Tuesday, August 31, 2010

i need a rhythm for my blogging...

Its like i always start stuff with okay

Don't care
This is my space and i am going to be blogging
my thoughts, feelings or words irrespective of who is reading
It is my second hundred so i think it is significant.

I am in a good place spiritually
How do i know?
I don't but i know.

My bff is blocked out
trust her but i don't any longer
don't know why, maybe it is because i don't trust
still love her and we still chat but i am
not quite as deep as before

I needed her at the time she came and i believe
God orchestrated it all
Work is good
God is at work, family is good
I am driving at my goals full speed.

The other day i was thinking about it and
God has answered about 75% of all the stuff i had prayed for and
He aint done yet
He is still on the others
I am still trusting Him

Amazing thing is i know i don't think i am as strong as i should be
but i am better than yesterday and the ...
My bff is calling and i got to go

c ya thursday

just playing around with colors (feeling light hearted and very undefeatable, tis a good feeling!)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

This is how i think...

 I have used poetry not only to help me understand a strange and sometimes hostile world, but also to help me understand myself.

- Maya Angelou

I deal very little in facts, facts can obscure the truth, you can tell so many facts you never get to the truth, you can tell the places where, the people who, the times when, the reasons why, and never get to the human truth which is love and pain and loss and triumph.

-Maya Angelou

So enough of Maya even though she inspires me a lot. I want to say thanks to everyone who read my last post and was encouraged and encouraged me. It took a lot but i am glad i finally did it and it has lifted a lot from my shoulders that i did not know i carried at the time.

This week i am in a "to hell with it" mood and i am sorry for the person who crosses me by saying the wrong thing. All of it i will do without committing any sin. I did not miss the crack about "helping filthy people come to the gathering of the righteous..." Maybe i am just angry but i can't recall anywhere in the bible where sinners were called filthy. Jesus Christ who came to earth to die for them called then 'the lost'. People who are the lost have not come to the knowledge of Christ and so need the word of God. There is only one way the word of God comes to people, by the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

I feel out of it but since i don't live by my feelings, i am going to get up and go and do what is expected of me by God not as rule keeping but because "I love God o", however much it does not show but i know he loves me sha. So my week was all good. I am going through a phase that is proving a little difficult maybe a lot. This is the only prayer i will pray for myself at this time.

It says in the scriptures that the letters kill but the spirit gives life. Holy spirit i ask that every word of God that i hear brings life to me and that i am sensitive to the presence of the spirit of God and that this crazy pressure i feel goes away. All i want to know is the presence of God and His voice. Lord help me overcome this crazy feeling that i am under a microscope, it just paralyzes me. I just need to be me and not be gossiped about or talked about or analyzed or pitied or ganged up against but if i can't stop it or change it then i know i have been empowered to overcome it so Holy Ghost i take advantage of grace to overcome and fight back by walking in love.

A female minister i heard told me that humiliation is not the same thing as humility, God give me the grace to know the difference and the courage to stand up for what i believe.

So i have got it off my chest and hopefully i can let go and stop being so tense, my bff says i am too tense when i am in my office. Tis not my fault, i don't trust anyone and i don't plan to start trusting any of them any time soon. They proved me right, everything i thought about them they have accomplished and now we are in pretend mode. I don't pretend because i break down when i pretend so i have decided to be me and speak things the way i see them and i know God will fight for moi.

Monday, August 16, 2010

My 100th post...

We may encounter many defeat s but we must not be defeated.
-Maya Angelou

For me when i interpret this, it says to me that no matter what is going on in and around me that "Greater is He who lives in me than he who lives in the world..."

I am not thinking, i am writing freely!
(Title: How i found out that i am supernatural and not a mere man)

Lets go straight to the questions:

1. raindropsonarose said:
Whats your favourite color?

Me: Growing up my fav color was yellow (now i hate yellow except its a yellow and white mini dress more yellow than white). As a teenager, my fav color was wine red ( I hate red, it makes me look sallow), as an adult my fav color is navy blue, white or coffee brown, did that answer your question. (sweet heart, i know i am evasive, i have been wired that way but after going around and around, i know how to get to the point eventually)

Aside; i visualise my clothes, my hair style, my make up before i put them on or make them. lol, amazing way to use your imagination, it always comes out looking beautiful when i can see what i want to buy or make before i buy or make it.

2. me8amp;I
Whats your view on premarital sex and do you have a b.f?

This question's answer is obvious. I don't agree with premarital sex. No i don't have a b.f yet.

3. Half and half
What is the hardest thing you had to do?

The hardest thing i had to do in my life is to not conform to my environment. Before i got saved i had a pretty strong personality but my face belied my strength because i look pliable (still do). My weakness was that if i liked you, you could get me to do pretty much anything, you could even change my opinion.
Now i am saved, i make it a point to not like you if you are not following Jesus (whether you are saved or not) i don't want to be influenced by other people's habit and if i like you, i could morph into you. (I am really big on the transformation and conformation thingy. When you conform you are going down, when you transform you are going up).

Is that you in your profile picture?

No i look a lot hotter than she does only more naive. (I fought looking naive all my life and now i don't care any longer, when people say i am naive, i only smile because i know that when they underestimate me i have the upper hand, i just had to make my weakness my strength. didn't i? lol)

4. dollchic
Can you share your salvation testimony?

I did 6 before 5 because i will enjoy writing 6 more than 5. I got saved on the 19 march 2001. It wasn't really memorable! Everyone knows i take forever to make up my mind. So i was going through trauma and even though i could have broken i was actually going through an internal battle of going bad (remember Rihanna song "Good girl gone bad") or staying good (Who is really good anyway?).

My sis (one of them) and practically everyone (friends) around me was saved already. I did not want to get saved because i did not want to look or act like deeper lifers (Who can blame me? They are so judgmental, i know some good ones sha!).
Okay, it wasn't memorable at all, i had battled and battled internally, gone through like a million altar calls i was determined not to answer because i had not done anything wrong so why must i go out and confess my sins declaring Jesus. (I grew up Catholic and i had been praying to Jesus from the time i was 6, i can remember that far, i was basically good so i didn't need God)

I was very smart, skipped three classes in pry school to proof it. I was always tops through secondary sch in every thing all without reading or sweating. I was just naturally smart and could figure out anything, just not crooked in any way. Well i listened and analyzed 10 dozen or so salvation prayers and they still could not convince me on why i needed to say a sinners prayer. I finally said the prayer at 2 am or so one morning gazing into the TV set during a Turning Point Program. The next few weeks when my sis came to preach to me, i told her "Hey don't bother, i have already given my life to Christ, you act as if i hate God or something" (I was/still am very cocky if you get it out of me)

Here is what is dramatic. I received the Holy Ghost in-filling (because i know He came when i got saved. I just couldn't give Him expression no matter how i tried cos i was just too brilliant and logical for him).

I was at a program at Unilag and maybe it was Alvin Slaughter or whatever (I could not be bothered with knowing the name of Gospel artistes then...) and we were singing this song (You are the air i breathe) and i was singing along "I am desperate for you..." and then i feel a presence surround me like i was being hugged or something. I stop singing and i look around me because i can see nothing but i can feel a presence (Now i am scientific in my thinking so...) I put my hand on my head and i can't feel it but when i remove my hand, i can feel a presence again. (In my mind i am wondering what's up? These bible hugging folks have started, what the heck is going on? Every one else is praying while i am checking what's happening?)

Suddenly the huge black overweight african american guy picks the microphone and says "You are a young lady and you have been raped..." all the other words blurred because i was crying and i couldn't worship any longer.
I am determined to not go out because i mustn't need anyone and in my mind 'Christians are these cold people who talk about Jesus all the time but are so bigoted, i know Jesus just isn't like them'. Anyway i am determined not to go out but i can feel a presence lifting me off the ground. (I know you don't believe this and neither did i at the time but it happened to me). In the end i am carried out and i jejely cooperate and go out and this guy mutters some words and there are about 10 or 20 words but the entire atmosphere is so charged up i know it is something more than the words this guy is saying, something bigger than the physical is in operation here.

To cut a long story short i received the Holy Ghost that day and for the first time i begin to speak in tongues. I laugh when i think of all the folks that had prayed for me to receive the Holy Ghost and as they are praying, i am wondering how they are going to make gibberish come out of my mouth. They used to make me laugh but that day i encountered the One they met and He made all the difference. After that day, i did a kind of interview for all the fellowships in school and i pick the fellowship i had been going to for the last three years but i become a worker because the guy mentions the word 'commitment' and says 'i must be commited to grow' (This is while he is preaching to the 20-30 people who got saved... I was one of them and shaking in my shoes, i was a teenager but in my head, i was a fish out of water, i was in a place where i knew there was lots i did not know).

Anyway from then onwards, the presence (The Holy Ghost) was with me day and night (I forgot also that was the day i stopped looking behind me 20 or so time wherever i was and i started going out after 6.00pm again, i was still scared but not filled with terror any longeer). I knew something had happened and then anytime i slept i would be dreaming i was killing snakes from dusk till dawn. Prior to then i had been praying and meditating on 2 Cor 1:7, "i can quote it in my sleep, For God has not given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind...". All the while i am quoting it, i would be thinking how weak and helpless i was because i couldn't save me what can this do anyway but my pastor had convinced me that the word works so i kept at it. My fellowship never stopped speaking in tongues (a heavenly language, they are word the Holy Ghost can take advantage of and make you walk like a supernatural man. Supernatural means beyond the ordinary).

I grew so much but most of the time i could not understand what was going on, but then i was fighting a very private battle. I would be in tongues dusk till dawn some days because i knew i must win. I would cry for 2 hrs steadily during fellowship o! in front of everyone no stopping me, no embarassment whatsoever. Funny thing about it is i blubber when i cry but my voice would be so steady that this cry was definitely special but who would believe me if i told them. (since i don't drink water, i hardly drink water i mean, i wonder where the tears were coming from). If you asked me why i was crying i couldn't answer, all i knew was that i responded to the anointing of God's spirit that way and i had no answer, i wasn't crying because i was hurt, i cried because that was my response to God's spirit. I would wake up muttering scriptures i had no idea was in the bible. (As catholics, we knew the word (specific words rather) but we did not know the bible, let me say, i knew nothing about the death, burial and ressurection of Jesus Christ. Many supernatural things happened till i was convinced that God had come to be with me because he knew i would turn to no one else, i had no one to trust and when i thought i would fall, He was there.

My pastor was just a couple of years older than me and he tormented me with word of knowledge about some girl who was raped, he knew my life history, he knew my family, he knew the things that only i knew, he knew anything and everything, he knew what i did everyday. Every meeting ended with me saying 'I was never going for fellowship again in my life' and the next time saw me running for fellowship because i practically needed the word of God to get through everyday. I had a word everyday about me, about my work, specific words about the things God was teaching me about the bible. My pastor and i were 'in sync' everyday. If i wondered about a particular scripture, he would teach about it, if i wondered about hearing fron God, he would teach about hearing from God. If i wondered about baptism, holy spirit, that would be the topic for that day, it was eerie!

Its not finished, every day is another walk with the Holy ghost full of adventure. I used to get burdens, if there was a need to pray, i would just KNOW and i would find out the reason i prayed later on. I am so jealous of that girl then because she was so sensitive to the spirit of God, her heart was so soft. I would get mad and because i had a personal r/ship with the Holy Ghost, He knew how to get my heart soft with His presence and then showing me scriptures that told me what to do. He was my very best friend and i have been neglecting Him, we are not quite as close as we used to be. If i was angry or hurt or afraid, time spent praising and worshipping God or just meditating on scriptures usually solved that, but it was mainly the worship i longed for because i could let go and just go to another realm where the pressure in the world couldn't touch me, i was always refreshed. The Holy Ghost is just so cool and coming from worship, i could do His word, do anything He said, i felt big, bigger than anything i was facing. (Preachers call it looking at things from the mountain, that problems are so much smaller because that is how they really are and God is so much bigger)

Doing something about it though. presently reading Yongi Chou's "The Holy Spirit, My senior partner", I need to work on my relationship with Him because though we still talk, we don't talk as often as we used to, He still speaks to me in dreams. Last year, He was speaking to me by inward witness and that is so much faster than dreams. With dreams, you have to cream em' because it could be the enemy of my soul speaking. With all i have been through, no one needs to tell me how much my enemy hates me.

Pastor L (she's a she) was the first person to tell us (Me) that the Holy Ghost is a person, "He is not just a spirit, he is a person and he loves to be loved and hates to be ignored". The Holy Spirit is the One person i am totally sure has got my back. I love you "Holy Spirit"
I miss all the workers training we used to have, so building but now when i miss the fellowship, i go and fellowship with scripture, read my bible so my inner man is not starved.

So this is my hundredth post
"I am in a much better place than i was yesterday, i hate pressure but i am learning to deal with it because someone said the pressure is just going to keep increasing, with the Holy Ghost and i, I am sure i will do just fine"

He makes me believe that i am more than what i see in the mirror because i listen to Him, when i am listening to him, i am so convinced that i am more than my human form that i am supernatural