Tuesday, August 26, 2008

this is the life i have been given!

there is a sneak of incest in ma family. though i can't prove it. there was something that happened decades ago that still makes me suspicious i have gotten used to it though i still question God about why he had to give me a dad with no self control mom lives as if it isn't true, in denial i guess it makes me opposed to marriage and as you have probably guessed i don't trust no one. i have feelings but never display them, what will it benefit me? at this point in my life, there are several guys attracted to me and though i am friendly with them all, i think there is an invisible wall with which i block them from proceeding to becoming anything more than friends. its not like i am not attracted to them, i am but i just don't want them to get serious. it's like i can almost see the prison walls closing up on me. don't care right now. but will i in the future and i think i hurt them unintentionally without thinking because of some innate self-preservation technique. and why won't i? hardly have they become friends than they want to take it further. always in a hurry. sometimes, i cry for no reason but most times i am strong cos this is the life i have been given and i have no other option than to live it and make the best of it.

Friday, August 22, 2008

ineffable; me, myself and i: mirror mirror on the wall...

ineffable; me, myself and i: mirror mirror on the wall...

i have stood him up again

I am so so stupid i mean how on earth do i want to get a really good friend if i cannot simply meet someone ata particular area and now i am planning how to go tomorrow to see him. may be i should tell him i simply am not ready to meet him right now, chances are he will get mad and totally bust it. sometimes i think i am a crazy workaholic with no time for loved ones and friends or that i am just punishing myself for not being perfect. i had never known a perfectionist like me. 

I am never meet one. i am sure i am just terribly scared of actually falling for someone which is why i want to keep my distance because i am afraid i may make a mess of it. i could actually fall for this guy, only he is 5yrs younger but looks 35. I am going to ask him when i meet him, if i do why he is such a control freak. i am upset, there is this guy in my office that just loves talking about sex and it is so offensive bcos i know he says it and watches for our reactions.
It's crazy and i am beginning to be repelled by him cos if i say it like it is, i am kind of a prude. He was talking about quiet guys and saying that there are like tigers in the bedroom. i think he gets a kick from scaring conservative guys like myself or fascinating us whichever is the case. I am not sure if my blog is safe for everybody's reading because i am writing stuff thats really personal. well, whatever!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Its been a while

There is this young man that i refer to as my best buddy. I guess we could be great friends if i let us. I have a feeling that he wants more than friends, well don't they all? Frankly, all i can cope with at this time is friendship. My ex- when i started with him said friendship was okay with him, but pretty soon, he wanted to do more than hold hands. 

We used to make out big-time and i will not say i did not enjoy it. I just did not want to go all the way and then you know guys. They cannot do but want and want to go all the whole nine yards once they have started anything. this is why i don't want to be close to my said best buddy. I know before long of saying hi and confiding in ourselves, next thing i know, he'll be hot for my body and spoiling our friendship for whats not worth it, but don't tell a guy that, he'll fast be telling you that that's the "koko" of a relationship. 

I like him, a lot, apart from his manipulative tendencies, not my thing. Now that i think back, my ex did not let our r/ship grow, he was too eager for sex, and as far as i know, sex never made any r/ship work, it only extended the time of breakage. I mean, do you realize how many aborted babies are down the drain just because the guys and girls can't keep their pants zipped up. i mean its not like i don't have feelings but once my ex's tongue was down my throat, all i wanted was to do it and let that ache go away. I mean, if you know what being extremely...lol. 

This is why i like to avoid any intimacy of any sort, which is why i want to avoid any closeness with my younger friend, i mean i don't do younger guys. 
Usually! wowie, i'll have to get back to this note, he must be working on my mind big-time, you know the way guys do. i'd better counter-act his strategy and don't get emotionally involved.