Sunday, September 27, 2009

trusting God

I got the courage to extract this from my private blog and post on my public blog because i am finally sure i can handle whatever...

Hey blogaratti, i stole ur poem and used it, hope you are not angry, it means something different to me than what it means to you...

he (BLOGORATTI) sounds a lot like someone i like, i could have said liked but its liked, he has such a forceful personality and is selfish (this makes me think i am crazy o) its not enough to sacrifice my faith for sha but enough to hurt sometimes cos i am a fixer and because i see no way out but i know that God is the way-maker.

I do not like the way you stare at me.
With those wild eyes.
(my eyes can be haunted, wild eyes, i don't know if i have wild eyes. i don't know that i stare at him but since i am afraid i have a message in my eyes, i usually avoid his eyes but my boss is still not satisfied)

I do not like the way you look.
With those dark clothes.
(i do wear dark clothes though, i will try to buy new clothes but will i be doing it because of me or because i like looking good, as soon as i resolve those feelings, then i will buy new shirts)

I do not like the way you love.
Empty feeling and emotions.
(i don't love, i only hold my emotions in because seriously i don't feel loved or comfortable in my environment. i don't know if i can have their kind of marriage and be satisfied in it, 'just pick anyone', 'love without trust', i feel they are living empty lives and the way the holy ghost makes me feel when i worship makes me know i can't live a 50% life, its 100% or nothing)

I do not like the way you are.
A stranger hiding in the dark.
(i can only be a stranger until i trust and if i can't trust then what will i do? my sis has fought with me, she says i am too distant, i can't be any different and i can't help myself, it makes me cry sometimes)

What would i like?
I would like to....

Think with your thoughts.
Watch with your eyes.
Love with your heart.
Escape with your body.
(this smacks of crazy unimaginable intimacy, can i be this close to anyone or allow anyone to be this close to me. i keep freezing people out and i can't help me, i can't even stop it. i can be snobbish and nasty and standoffish just to push people away and no one is special to me as soon as i have not let you in. 'escape with your body' i am not sure i am quite comfortable with that statement, my body belonging to someone else to manipulate at will, me freely giving up my body is not something i can phantom, i am scared...

i can't let go of me and only the holy ghost can set me free and someone says i should make the decision. why do i say this? it is because dee puts me off now (when i think of him, i just want to throw up), maybe its because he just wanted to have me at every cost and i do not think i could please anyone for long, i get irritated when i feel crowded. i hate anyone hovering around...

i just get irritated and i feel it is my right to be irritated and nasty
i can cry in the spirit but otherwise i will never show any emotion so yes i am cold and unfeeling but that was my defence when i just got raped and i used to be hit from every direction by people i did not even know but now it is a prison i can't out of myself. i need ur help holy ghost, help me, show me the way out, heal my emotions i pray...

n.j hurt me for a millisecond and then i shut him out...

felt good because he set out to hurt me and then on my birthday after planning to hurt me, he bought me stuffs. Let me reiterate that he hurt me cos i guess he was hurt i did not wish him happy birthday on his. i was frozen i just could not.
(like the physical goodies will take the hurt away, all he succeeded in making me do is build another wall.) i think i am a construction engineer. i build walls no one can take down except me with the help of the Holy ghost.

he just showed me he had his own issues, he does not acknowledge me in the presence of others (that smacks of high school games, duh!), it just shows me that he does not know himself yet... he is not confident in God, he depends on his strength and i just remembered why i don't look in His eyes, i see fear when i look in His eyes, i am better off by myself and the Holy Ghost is working on me.

His word has the capability to produce what it talks about. its neither a myth nor a folklore. some people say we have more faith than God, untrue, its just because we want to put limits on God so we label somethings impossible as though we are putting ourselves and our word in the line. i read someone that God is not afraid of being put on the spot. He knows that all of His word is potent.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

so it happened when i was 10

I woke up and my brain told me that "put your legs on the ground and go to the toilet now". i reached out to put my feet down and i felt my head make impact with the floor.

lol now

so when i woke up in the morning (that was of course after i was helped to the toilet and back by my mom), my mom said i wasn't talking, i wasn't eating, i was just unconscious (for two whole weeks).

so when i finally was awake for as much as two days, the docs (two of my uncles) told me i could start eating, walking around, playing, whatever, they bought me anything i asked for so i knew i must have scared the shit outta them.

My siblings came the first night i woke up, they said they had been coming everyday for two week that the last sign of progress they had seen before now was when i was speaking gibberish. I was totally disconnected from what they were saying because the last memory i had was of drinking fanta at home, sleeping at home in the couch and waking up in a hospital bed.

The doctor (from luth) had come one after the other marveling at the miracle of a dead girl waking up again, they just couldn't understand it. my uncles had wanted to give up on me cos they had already pumped 29 drips and 2 pints of blood into me and i had shown no sign of waking up until that morning (2 am) when i tried to walk.

I spent the next few days learning to walk without crutches though (even though at 10, i thought walking with crutches was fun, i had friends who had broken their legs and i envied them their crutches, silly me) i was eating again...
laughing again
without a care in the world

My mom was worried scared because a friend borrowed my book and lost it and my mom was angry about it and so they bought another and you know us (as africans, we tend to be really fetish) my mom thot their mom had gone to do jazz on the book and so immediately i fell ill, she returned the book to the buyers.
I survived it and only a miracle could have saved me then even though i was a kid and to me i was invisible. what am i trying to say, God wants us to trust Him like kids, we are invincible, so long as we believe it and don't allow doubt creep in.

I am over my anxiety attack but i am still waiting on God...

I wrote this because i woke up and i remembered what God had done for me and i wanted to say 'Thank you, My Love, My God'

Albeit, i became a star overnight, nothing like narrowly escaping death to make you a star overnight, whatever was glad, am glad and i have been keeping my angels busy ever since then

Friday, September 18, 2009

New decisions...

I wanted to write stuff.

I need to make some major decisions and i need to be sure that i am doing the right thing.
I gave myself an ultimatum
and now i have a deadline

I am not sure what i will do
but i do know i will make the right decisions
I had the feeling that
several people rushing me
making comments

but i think i am ready
i am tired
i feel afraid (fear has no place in me)
but i have the comforter (HG)
so i am sure that whatever decision
i make will be the right one (breathe!)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Love without trust...

yes i believe love goes out when trust ceases. some folks in my office said that you can love without trusting. i think thats a lie. if you love, you will show it by trusting, if there's no trust, then thats selfish love. for me, its either you love and trust me or you can't have me. i won't do love without trust. cos i don't do anything by halves.

I saw some (can't exactly call em friends) on fb, they are getting married soon and let me tell the truth, i was like, "is not fair" because they are cut-throat about life. they would be disappointed to hear me say that. but i have taken that right away from them. i wished them congrats but i am not going for their wedding because it would be a total waste of time and i am not going to even try to prove anything to them. On the contrary, i think they deserve each other (they will continue being themselves after marriage and if you know them like i do, they would be living the acting life and not true life). I used to call them (the both of them) friends but that all changed when i discovered they were not friends, at least not by my definition.

I have had enough of living the acting life, through being my parents children, i can do with reality. I want my life to be real and true. If you know me well like invisible (by the way, he's back, give it up for invisble, my blogville big brother and counselor)...
Anyway, sometimes i am totally sure of what i want out of life and other times i am not, but i do know what i do not want.

* i want to be able to totally trust and love the one i agree to walk down this road called life with.
* i want to be able to know that i can count on my family (immediate and otherwise) and my friends (two of em got married and i was like wow, i knew the guy and he was into this girl like forever, he kept on hoping and finally they are married. i am happy for you b**z, i am sure he must be out of his mind with joy, he's one of the really nice guys i know, a friend of a friend, has values and all)
* i want to be able to live a life that would count for something (currently doing that) but i want to do more
* i want to be more involved with charity (stuff and all that) something that would change the world starting with Nigeria
* i am about to have a big break (soonest) in all the areas of my life, God is just so good to me and my famille, lol

so i guess this is the post
I want to be more than just a name, someone to be reckoned with uhhmmm!
i mean i didn't go to college at 15 for nothing (amidst my challenges and all), i know i am unstoppable, i just hope i am ready for all the wonderful opportunities that have been coming my way
derilious laughter (my life is just totally blowing my mind) i can see the piture of it all.

uhmm! Faith
i get it everyday and yet there is more i need to comprehend!

You guys, its tisha...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


read my testimony on gee's blog

i finally got the courage to upload this on gee's church blog. something inside me just wanted to write the testimony.

i did not have the courage because i was scared of what people will say even on a blog and when they can't even see my face but when gee said it was for a service, i thought to myself can't you even bless someone online so i said why not? if someone finds out, too bad!

there is this stupid guy in my office,
was not going to rant but he got me unawares, he claims to ba a born again malo, but he is just a bloody bigot. he came into my office and was going though some mags in my office, he cursed the shit out of all the models in the mag.

so i just thot the idiots wife is preggers and so he is biffing slim gals cos this idiot moved on ma friend and i was very rude to him so he would get off her back and he hasn't forgiven me. i will gladly do same thing again, bloody nigga who can't keep his hands to himself and he was busy crucifying gals.

well i did not force him to get married to someone he did not love. so he's just b**ching all day and when i get tired of his nasty attitude (he was just onto gals today like maybe he could not forget some gal who broke his heart) i started speaking in tongues (words that come from the holy ghost, he tell you the words to say) so he yawned like 3-5 times, i just wanted to stand up from where i was seating and slap him 'abara' on his stupid razz looking head.

he is just a broken brother with no money. but i will make him uncomfortable

I STOLE THIS OFF LEGGY (thanks babe)

~~"If a bunch of guys are calling me a Bitch, I know I must be hitting a nerve, if they start calling me a Heartless Bitch, I know I've got them running scared, but the best part is when they call me a Cold, Heartless Bitch (my brother's personal favorite), because they know I am someone they will never be able to subjugate." -- -HBI Member, Dana ~~