Wednesday, April 28, 2010

ME, being honest again!

Today, as i arose, it rained torrents and torrents and it just would not stop and finally i was drenched on my way to work. It rained so much everything i had on got drenched. I kept wishing i was in my bed sleeping instead of being drenched as i trudged on to work. After a while i detached myself from everything happening around me and got into my office building looking like something the cat wouldn't drag in.

Oblivious at least partially of everything going on outside me, i was aware that inside me, something had burst free and so as soon as i got into my own space, i worshiped from the depths of me (those depths are just not measurable). At the end of it all, i cried and i knew i had it coming so try as i might i could not stop them tears from flowing.
Since i hate coming apart at the seams (like a rag doll) with the precision of a surgeon, i got a lone handkerchief i began to clean every trace of any tear away. Under the rain, i can be a porcelain doll and under the sun shiny new toy but today i am less concerned about outward beauty. all i cared about was concealing any sign at all that i had feelings or be human enough to let them show.

In my office, i can't be human, if i am human, i fear i would collapse from the pressure of it all. In my young life, i have seen the wickedness, ruthlessness and callousness of man. i have seen selfishness and covetousness at its height.

I look in the mirror and i see a beautiful young lady full of promise but in her eyes i see what scares me, i see coldness and hollowness and emptiness, that is not my reflection and i refuse it.
Many have trudged the road before me and have gotten conditioned to the hardness of life and so they adapt and make subtle changes in their outlook and thinking that changes totally who they are.
They become less kind, more harsh, they get harder and brittle like the rest of the world. They are less sincere and say words they don't mean and laugh with their mouths while their eyes shoot daggers.

This is not me (I know who i am)

I may not laugh often (wanna change this) but when i do laugh, it is without guile or pretense. This is who i am and who i choose to remain. No matter what this world throws at me, it can't make me conform to its customs and traditions, its lifestyle and it can't define me. I don't depend on staying this way by knowing what i want. I trust God to help me retain 'me' because i know who i am.

I hate crying but i am glad i cried because i achieved my purpose. Its shaken me again. I started this morning sining this song, its a beautiful one:

"I'm a new creation
I'm a brand new man
Old things are passed away
I'm born again
More than a conqueror
That's who i am
I am a new creation
I am a brand new man"

No one can take this away from me and this is my piece this morning and it brings me peace, lol

Good morning, the rain has definitely washed away many things...

Below is the link to the collabo i did with myne, read and tell me what you think...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

10 things i really love...

1. I love my God. He loves me too.
E.g I am struggling in my thought life in practically all the areas but i know that His love for me has not changed. Because He still loves me no matter what, i always want to please Him.

2. I love my family
They are not perfect but they are my family so i want to love them. I just don't want to. i need to and i depend on them in different areas.

3. I love my friends
I may not be the best friend in the universe but i am learning to trust my friends and learning to be a good friend too. e.g I had four appointments today but i could only keep two and apologize to my cousin and to the other folks i am disappointing. The story of a working gals life.

4. I love my job
It doesn't pay as much as i would like but i am using it in my life and for the gospel and trusting God to bring increase my way. I believe that nothing in my life happens by chance and that God is orchestrating good for me so i am still expecting.

5. I love shopping.
I haven't shopped in a while (bad for my rep'). Last week my sis forced me out to go buy some things. I actually had fun until i saw the bill. Guess what? I refused to return anything, let me have some fun. So you can see why i need provision fast.

6. I love my girlfriends
My BFF (they are many), we may be at the stage in our life when we really don't have time for others but i still love them and its mostly me not meeting all our social appointments. I hope they don't give up and stop sending me invites to the creme de la creme parties and all that.

7. I am conservative but not quiet lol!
Most os my girlfriends or male friends are 'jaiye' (a Lagos slang for folks who love parties), we come across as really quiet and down to earth but we love to party and party like a rock-star. I am missing my friends because i trust them and building trust with new folks is hard work, just when you think you have built something, it falls like a pack of cards or they are not sincere or are political which is why i appreciate what they say about old friends.

8. I love to write
It is the outlet where i can let go and simply be. I don't care who's looking, reading or judging, i can juts let my hands flow and truely be me. I love to write, if you keep coming to my blog, you will come to believe it

9. I love reading
I used to read just about anything. One time i got hooked on pornography (the written kind) after i got out (thanks to my sis) i became selective in the things i read. If i am not controlling the stuff i put in my mind then its like that stuff we learnt when we were learning computers in Lag (GIGO garbage in garbage out). So i am more selective in my reading in fact i majorly do christian reading and intelligent reading.

10. I love me
I try to do what is right for me each time. I try to feed my soul and my spirit and body. I am running low on all three. I know if i feed my soul and my spirit that my body will follow suit. Someone tell me to discipline me, i no longer read as much or listen to as much messages and it's telling on me, maintaining my joy is a little difficult. i think i need me some tough love.

Last word before i sign out...

neefemi: Thanks i love you

I need to work on my thought life again, i am struggling in certain areas and i have this weakness, i never trust easily so i am silent and seeking solutions from within. best se, for my christian friends in the house, just pray for me.

see why i am always telling my BFF i am melancholy, feeling melancholy, i hope i'll be better tommorrow.

I hereby tag kafo, zoebeliever, blogoratti, beautiful, nigeriandramaqueen, fabulolo, sweetness, dante, BBB, enkay

By the way i found this lovely website for women. click here for the blog and here for the website.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Just having fun...

My heart is light cos i spoke to a friend and off-loaded my heart and just told her all the stuff i was thinking about and she just said, "sometimes you have to let go of the need to control everything and just trust God..."

Of course she said a couple of other things (mostly about 'man', lol, my younger sis hates it!) which we laughed and talked about, she tells me all about herself and me, i am the kind of person that likes gist, but before i would tell you anything you will hear when!

I was blog hopping and i saw this note on the FB posts of one of my friends in college and you know how i like to borrow notes from peeps i find interesting to share with my blogville family. Did i mention how much i appreciate you guys and the role you have played in my life, yes i have favorites but you all matter to me, when i come on blogville, its the time i give me to let my hair down and just be! Thanks and I love you (This is really a big deal, Tisha said 'i love you', i make it a point to not say 'i love you' unless i mean it).

A Real Woman Knows...

- how to fall in love.
(I have gone and done it. my friend says if you get hurt falling in love, no problem, its part of life, i should stop taking myself too seriously and just trust God so here goes, i am trusting God, hope i don't forget and start worrying)

- how to quit a job.
(I believe i can do this when and if the time comes with no hard feelings on my part at least lol)

- how to confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
(May the Lord teach me, i have not known anyone who avoids confrontations like me, rather i am skilled in the silent treatment which i hear is not a healthy relationship habit, my friend calls it sulking)

- when to try harder... and when to walk away.
(This is why i pray for serenity so i know what to do everytime, don't always know what to do but i have help)

- how to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend.
(I am a spoilt sport at parties. if i don't want to be at the party, i can criticize and criticize and letting go and having fun usually takes a while. i can be very stiff and stuffy sometimes but when i let go, my accompanying friend will usually have a great time, now can i just let go and have fun?)

- that she can't change the lenght of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
(Funny enough, i love my boobs the way they are, my hips, my calves etc i don't mind adding an inch or two in hips sha but not too much, now my parents, love them despite their weaknesses)

- that her childhood may not have been perfect, but its over.
(Thank God it is over, i had fun but also...)

- how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it.
(I don't want to ever live alone, i have claustrophobic episodes from staying in a room alone sef, if i ever had to live alone, i would get a room mate, i hate isolation!)

- whom she can trust, whom she can't and why she shouldn't take it personally.
(I am super careful about whom i trust with myself, didn't use to have those issues but then you know that you must grow up sha! I am glad i have some people i trust now)

- where to go... be it her best friend's kitchen or a charming quiet hotel... when her soul needs soothing.
(That's what i did yesterday, i told my BFF (best female friend) about someone and she said he was loyal apart from his idiosyncrasies he had. i just laughed and told her everything from day 1 till date and what i go went thru/go thru (sorry blogville i can't really explain right now) and i was glad someone understood and she knew when to shut up and when to speak and not to judge).

God really does love me. i appreciate her friendship right this moment, wish i could trust her more, will check then maybe release a little.

- what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
(For me right now, all i do is a step-by step process of trusting God and anything is possible)

I love anyhow
God loves me, i love me
I love my family
I love my friends
i love my blogville family

I am just so content in my soul where it matters right now so no more worries and no more people pleasing and no more focusing on the wrong stuff, I am a woman of vision value and virtue.
I say this to myself every morning, a whole page of affirmation of what a woman i am so i don't forget, all gotten from the word of God sha, will share it with you sometime

(You can all start thinking up questions for my 100th post, its coming up and its going to be a big one, i appreciate blogville so darn much )

Being gushy, i miss me being gushy and myself...
I miss me

Friday, April 9, 2010

This can only be love...

Many days have past but i still remember easter and what it represents to me, i wrote a poem yesterday but blogger wouldn't let me post it and these days i am doing free style...

Over the last week, i had been hearing what easter meant to different people and i wanted to document mine so here goes:

This shakes me every time

When i was younger
i always wondered why he had to go to the cross
now my relationship with him is a very special on

when i found out
i cried, real tears not the manipulative one i grew up crying
to get my way

i wondered many times why he wouldn't toss the cross away
and fly up into the sky like superman or any other effizy
way cos for him anything was possible

i mean, i wouldn't bother with mean and nasty people
who just want to go their way and do their thing
but he wouldn't budge

still he carried the cross trudging along
he was wounded, his stripes bristled in pain
i mean those prongs took pieces of flesh and blood

someone recently said that mel gibson didn't get the true picture
however gruesome "the passion of the Christ was
i mean 'why would you die on a cross for me?' i cried inside:

He did it for me so i would know
As he walked to the cross weighed down by the pain, the hurt and the shame
He saw me, he saw my victories and he saw the obstacles that could have
stopped me from 'getting to the other side'

He saw my pains, my shames and my perceived disadvantage
he has told me i can never be disadvantaged and i believe him
but what if he had given up on the way and did not make it to the cross

He saw the weights that could have held me down
he saw darkness creeping up on me and knew that my own 'tisha'
i'll do it for you

He went to the cross having fully counted the cost
after deciding i was worth it
he died on the cross and set me free

from sin and its consequences
he translated me from darkness into light
he gave me power over all the power of the wicked one

He assured me of victory even before i began the journey
and he walks with me daily to ensure i don't sway from his path
for me

He went to the cross for me
He knew the cost and he paid the price
so i could have every thing he died for

he gave me a voice and so
when i saw poverty, i preached the gospel
when i saw sickness, i proclaimed healing
when i saw captivity, i proclaimed liberty
when i saw foolishness, i declared understanding
when i saw doubt, i spoke the word and faith arose...

Thank God he arose after 3 days
We are more than what we see