Do I care any more?

Do I care anymore?
Yes I do, it hurts
No it doesn't.
Fact
They can't hurt me anymore
I don't know why Jesus chose
this road
But he understands best

Today I understood
"Perfect love casts out all fear"
I do understand God's perfect love for me
But when it comes to relationships
I am afraid to get hurt

Why?

Of course I got raped
That is so far into the past
Almost 15 years
Honestly I probably am using it as an excuse
to not get involved with someone
I must open up to
I don't want fake relationship
Where my boyf accepts me or what he can get of me
Which is not all of me
If I get my way
But I don't want to get my way
I can't believe I just said that
Because without the Holy Ghost
I am just plain selfish
Brene said, some people withhold love
Immediately she said that,
It clang in my ears
"I withhold love..."

I know I do
How do I come out of that place?
He tried so much
Now he's making me suffer
Makes me want to open up to him
and then close up too and make him suffer
problem with having someone as smart as you
He understands you just fine
and so the games don't work

Maybe I should do what my cousin did
Date 6 guys in succession
and then pick one
No emotions involved
I just know, come December
I would finally be able to date
and stop the rigmarole

This year, God impressed on my heart not to date
and as soon as he said it
possibilities kept coming to break what he said
and stubborn me, I was happy to go along for the ride

God you are patient with me
Thankful!

Action plan: I will definitely do something, they will be so many, it will be so confusing
My FBI agents won't be able to keep track
I will have fun too!

I still believe God.
I believe in Jesus and in the Holy Ghost.

"I and mine, we are a confirmation of God's covenant"