this is the life i have been given!

there is a sneak of incest in ma family. though i can't prove it. there was something that happened decades ago that still makes me suspicious i have gotten used to it though i still question God about why he had to give me a dad with no self control mom lives as if it isn't true, in denial i guess it makes me opposed to marriage and as you have probably guessed i don't trust no one. i have feelings but never display them, what will it benefit me? at this point in my life, there are several guys attracted to me and though i am friendly with them all, i think there is an invisible wall with which i block them from proceeding to becoming anything more than friends. its not like i am not attracted to them, i am but i just don't want them to get serious. it's like i can almost see the prison walls closing up on me. don't care right now. but will i in the future and i think i hurt them unintentionally without thinking because of some innate self-preservation technique. and why won't i? hardly have they become friends than they want to take it further. always in a hurry. sometimes, i cry for no reason but most times i am strong cos this is the life i have been given and i have no other option than to live it and make the best of it.