Tuesday, August 26, 2008

this is the life i have been given!

there is a sneak of incest in ma family. though i can't prove it. there was something that happened decades ago that still makes me suspicious i have gotten used to it though i still question God about why he had to give me a dad with no self control mom lives as if it isn't true, in denial i guess it makes me opposed to marriage and as you have probably guessed i don't trust no one. i have feelings but never display them, what will it benefit me? at this point in my life, there are several guys attracted to me and though i am friendly with them all, i think there is an invisible wall with which i block them from proceeding to becoming anything more than friends. its not like i am not attracted to them, i am but i just don't want them to get serious. it's like i can almost see the prison walls closing up on me. don't care right now. but will i in the future and i think i hurt them unintentionally without thinking because of some innate self-preservation technique. and why won't i? hardly have they become friends than they want to take it further. always in a hurry. sometimes, i cry for no reason but most times i am strong cos this is the life i have been given and i have no other option than to live it and make the best of it.


  1. You've said it: "live it and make the best of it."

  2. thanks,
    that's what i am trying to do but sometimes,
    it just gets me down
    and wastes precious emotional energy

  3. Girl life can be tough but we are tougher...so anything it throws at you is to test your resiliance...in the end we are the ones that are in control. Your life is yours and yours only, how far you go is up to you. I have a feeling you will rise above all the challenges. Keep your head up

    I like the way you write, very egdy...

  4. hmm you cry for no reason? perhaps it's subconscious, which is why you are unaware, or you don't want to be aware.

    You say your father had no control, ad talk of incest, and a mother who under pretense. I make no assumptions since nothing was specific & it was vague, but I hope sincerely you weren't abused.

    either ways, it seems your dealing with some trust stuff etc. look into it, or talk to someone professionally, maybe you'll be happier.

  5. thanks for stopping by my blog. i love urs already.it's on my blog roll now:-)
    u know, bout dis post, u need to talk to my man. i gave him a helluva hard time becos i had those prison walls (a consequence of being cheated on) and i thot he was like every bastard tryna get a nooky. i'm so glad i got over it and let him in. u really dont want the right person to pass u by just because of stuff like dis. trust me, there'll always be enuff strength for u to start over no matter how many times u get f*cked up.

  6. wow this is certainly profound...I am in want for the right words to say...I jus hope its appropriate for me to say that u really av to let go of ur inhibitions and spread ur wings love...a whole world of possibilities awaits u....

  7. u ve to overcome ur fears and move on with life.ur emotions shldn't be stagnant!

    nice blog!

  8. You need to take a easy on yourself. I understand completely about the insecurity. I have some issues with that when it comes to men. I am 'now' dealing with it so much better and not letting it take a toll on my life.

    Just sit back and appreciate the life that God has given you....everything happens for a reason.

    first time here, nice blog1

  9. you hav the attitude of a victor already...go ahead and make the best of that life.

  10. Thanks for stopping by my blog,

    I totaly feel you and nobody can undertand unless they have been in your shoes. I kind of have a crazy family story too, and I did not trust any guy.
    I was lucky to have a friend that talked some sense into me a week before I met my boyfriend. I can't imagine my life without my boo now, and I just thank God for sending someone to prepare my heart before my boyfriend came along... because I can 100% guarantee we would not have gotten together because of the invisible wall I had built up.
    If you need to talk, let me know I have family stories that will make you wonder how I ever was able to break that wall.
    God is your strenght!!! You can do it! You don't want to loose the right person because of the wrong person in your life.

  11. Hi, I'm here for the first time.

    Love you poetic style of writing.

    Wanted to ask if that's your picture on your profile page but when I read the first line of your post I really dont think so.

    Anyway, hope you're doing okay.

  12. @ jarrai
    thanks for stoppin by
    i took in your word like
    air, breathe whatever

    those things happen
    you know
    i know of bout 10 now
    real people

    glad for the info
    think God will prepare me
    i am a defense lawyer
    at every point
    totally defensive

    @ chari
    i think
    i believe i can fly

    i think its a step by step process
    i don't know if i am ready
    i can try though

    i pray i can
    insecurities are part of me
    though u wouldn't know it
    if u see me for the first time.
    Beauty hides a lot of things.

    thanks be to God
    He causes me to triump
    in all things
    i will rise above this challenge.

    i did get abused mentally
    grew up locking doors
    instigated by my mom
    several yrs later though
    my sis got molested cos we forgot the devil never forgot
    only came up with new tricks
    to think i still live with my dad it's living hell

    would never put up my pic
    i even deleted the pic from
    my computer so i wouldn't be caught
    with this deadly pic
    intend to offload my deepest thot
    so i'd always be light-hearted

  13. wow...i think every family has issues they have to deal with...pls dont let whatever happened spoil ur chances of findin ur own happiness..

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  16. Tisha,
    I Didnt Bother To Read Other's Comment For Reasons Beyond Me Frankily Since This Is Quite Seriously Coz You Already Believe Its The Life You Were Given...But I couldnt Help But Flicker Off Buttercup's *every family has issues they have to deal with*..Dont Let This Make A Mess Of The Life You Were Given To Construct The Way You Want Not The Life Constructing You.No Shrink Or Session Of Psychoanalysis Is Gonna Help You Except Your Will To Win Over The P.Wall...Be A Prison Breaker If Its What It Takes Mentally,The Deed Has Been Done So Get Dorminance Over The Depth Of Depression.But Its Sour To Know That You Still Stay Under The Same Roof With Him But What Can You Do As I Reckon Your Resources Are Limited.I Wish I Can Talk About We Guys..But The Truth Is 2/3 Of Us Are Pigs As They Never Cease To Amaze Me too.Just Heal First Before Worrying About Them.

  17. @buttercup
    thanks babe

    @pinky and the brain
    i think i am healed now.
    just need to spot the
    difference btw the good
    and the bad

  18. @buttercup
    thanks babe

    @pinky and the brain
    i think i am healed now.
    just need to spot the
    difference btw the good
    and the bad


Say whats on your mind. Still loving cos i don't see myself ever becoming a hater or confirming to the voice of the crowd either.
What can i say? Tell me what you think!