i think its fading...

i think i am getting over him slowly i taught i was too old for crushes but it turns out i wasn't cos i don't know how else to describe something like this when you know it won't work out nd you still keep encouraging yourself to hope that it could no. 1 i hate several of his friends no.2 just because you are friends with someone does not mean you would want to spend the rest of your life with them no.3 i totally hate gutless guys but then to be honest. exactly what have i given him to work on? nothing! why? cos i can't see the future in this. no.4 its a total non issue cos God has not given his say-so in fact he's said not to go on. so why am i going on about it cos my mind wants to do something else and my body wants an entirely different thing (get your mind out of the gutter). that's old story. well so i have concluded on the issue. i am going to try to be friends since he's mature enough to not want to be enemies or is he? whatever i'll be friendly but keep the distance to mintain my sanity. i can do this and then work on operation, pick a boyfriend soon so there's no free space for any other available bloke to constantly be considering. i am pretty hot if i say so myself but no heart. i am not capable of eros love. crushes yes. love comes from trust and i don't trust any1 or have faith in any1 so until i am ready, i will just be playing games and hurting people and sometimes i can't help it. some of them will have so much ego and want to hurt me back, others will walk away and just say this babe has issues she hasn't worked through. just have to cope with it until i can learn to be open. i mean for like 2 yrs after that ugly incident, had no feelings at all, was glad when i started feeling a little after. took me another 2yrs b4 i got rid of the nightmares, had to get a boyf to get rid of the memories. i mean i am not going to be in a hurry for anybody or i'll just end up making some bloke miserable i will take my time walking and communicating with God 2 December 2008. Guess what happened this morning, the 'nuisiance' (he's annoying me now) came and told me hi, then went about paying attention to every other girl except me. i thought what the heck, who does this nigga think he is. i smiled but played it cool. you are so naive boy i thought to myself, you think i will fall for that stupid trick. i think i have seen every stupid 'guy trick' ever. talk to her friend and ignore her, laugh with every1 but her. he's trying to make me look stupid like he didn't/doesn't have the hots for me, well his ego must have suffered a knock-out and i don't care cos he's not loyal, he calls his friends three other females who have double-crossed me, hid my files, blackmail me, lie about me, generally be nasty to me all bcos of his skinny framework. i am fed up with a nigga who can't stand up and i will not tie myself to a coward and someone who is so easily manipulated, he pisses me off with his bootlicking. heard people from his tribe are extremely good at bootlicking. well i will not stand for it the nigga is fired or not? since he was never hired anyway. coward. pretending to be a gentleman and am not feminist if not i will demand that he stop all the opening of doors and acting all nice uggggggggggggggh!