Friday, January 2, 2009
It's a new year and my heart has broken all without me doing anything about the situations at hand. It's time i grew up and took responsibility for every part of me. I have acted as though i did not have feelings and it used to be a strength but this past year, it turned out to be a weakness. It's just another reason why i need God, it helped me understand again what it is to be interdependent on other people. I have come to understand this past month that you can make your weakness your strength. So i have made a decision that i will do nothing about my love for naijadenzel. He's moved on already and i am cool with it. In my life, he will be known as "my knight in shining armour" and in further blogposts i will refer to him as such if ever i talk about him. I don't hate him. i am numb and indifferent but i have the spirit of God so i know i am on my way to increasing and improving and becoming a better me (smile!). I refuse any negativity this year. I am always at my best when i am not involved in any fights or gossip issues or anger issues so i forgive everyone this year before they even offend me. So i admitted that i loved naijadenzel and i decided i was not going to do anything about it because there were already two other females in the running who were more interested in making him happy so i opted out because 1. i have issues i am dealing with now that i need to give all my attention and 2. (He just passed me right now and i am amazed at him, how can he not get angry at my idiosyncrasies or he is just bidding his time before he shows me for my little stress or he doesn't even care, whatever! i have a pretty high opinion of myself so i'd just brush it off) i need to think about other people in life when making decisions. It's easier dealing with being around him because i have made a decision so no more anxiety. It's refreshing to be able to admit stuff to yourself and just deal with it than living in denial. i feel like screaming that i have grown up (lol). It was me who said at 13 that i wanted to remain a child forever that i never wanted to grow up or grow old. i feel glad and nostalgic at the same time, i am 27, it seems old but when i look in the mirror, i still look and feel 16 (i can hear you saying 'story', i said when i look in the mirror right!) well, like i said i have a lot, i had a lot of laughs last year, renewed old friendships and realised that a lot of my friends still had my back. i love my friends a lot and i appreciate all the stress they went to being a friend to me and good ones too. After knowing them i have had the privilege of also meeting nasty, vindictive, unforgiving and friendly on the surface people. The time you spend with them is always tense and stress inducing cos i can't trust that they mean what they say, they are two-faced, they say one thing and mean another, they back-bite and back-stab and take part in all the corporate mumbo jumbo. if they say i love you, i cant believe them. Some good has come out of this, it has made me appreciate the friends i had previously and regret the times when i took their sincerity and great attitude for granted. It has made me grow strong, how? in my dependence on God. Many times when they had planned one of their corporate set-ups, it was the "the still small voice" (my current phone profile) that had alerted me and told me when to shut up and when to speak out and nudged me to do stuff that kept me in line. He's taught me spiritual authority and loving my dad irrespective of who he is. Loving without the emotions right now but at least i pray for him that he'll received salvation. my dad sowed a seed of an undisclosed amount in his church (yes he goes to church). i never knew i could be glad like Joyce Meyer of any little spiritual improvement that came into his life. My pastor and a book i read taught me to not expect anything order than my father bringing me into the world. Michael Hosea said he was happy his father brought him into the earth and i could not understand it. How could he not be angry at what his father had done to him and he said something so profound that in this world we have little control over anything except how we think and how we live. i nearly burst into tears because i am a control freak and i love to control absolutely every thing. I went to see my publisher yesterday and i am afraid he may be starting to have feelings for me. I don't want that because i am really comfortable with him and i want a haven. My other publisher is married so no danger there. I handle everyone else because they don't have control directly over my job. all's well right now, i'll be checking in soon.