Sunday, September 27, 2009

trusting God

I got the courage to extract this from my private blog and post on my public blog because i am finally sure i can handle whatever...

Hey blogaratti, i stole ur poem and used it, hope you are not angry, it means something different to me than what it means to you...

he (BLOGORATTI) sounds a lot like someone i like, i could have said liked but its liked, he has such a forceful personality and is selfish (this makes me think i am crazy o) its not enough to sacrifice my faith for sha but enough to hurt sometimes cos i am a fixer and because i see no way out but i know that God is the way-maker.

I do not like the way you stare at me.
With those wild eyes.
(my eyes can be haunted, wild eyes, i don't know if i have wild eyes. i don't know that i stare at him but since i am afraid i have a message in my eyes, i usually avoid his eyes but my boss is still not satisfied)

I do not like the way you look.
With those dark clothes.
(i do wear dark clothes though, i will try to buy new clothes but will i be doing it because of me or because i like looking good, as soon as i resolve those feelings, then i will buy new shirts)

I do not like the way you love.
Empty feeling and emotions.
(i don't love, i only hold my emotions in because seriously i don't feel loved or comfortable in my environment. i don't know if i can have their kind of marriage and be satisfied in it, 'just pick anyone', 'love without trust', i feel they are living empty lives and the way the holy ghost makes me feel when i worship makes me know i can't live a 50% life, its 100% or nothing)

I do not like the way you are.
A stranger hiding in the dark.
(i can only be a stranger until i trust and if i can't trust then what will i do? my sis has fought with me, she says i am too distant, i can't be any different and i can't help myself, it makes me cry sometimes)

What would i like?
I would like to....

Think with your thoughts.
Watch with your eyes.
Love with your heart.
Escape with your body.
(this smacks of crazy unimaginable intimacy, can i be this close to anyone or allow anyone to be this close to me. i keep freezing people out and i can't help me, i can't even stop it. i can be snobbish and nasty and standoffish just to push people away and no one is special to me as soon as i have not let you in. 'escape with your body' i am not sure i am quite comfortable with that statement, my body belonging to someone else to manipulate at will, me freely giving up my body is not something i can phantom, i am scared...

i can't let go of me and only the holy ghost can set me free and someone says i should make the decision. why do i say this? it is because dee puts me off now (when i think of him, i just want to throw up), maybe its because he just wanted to have me at every cost and i do not think i could please anyone for long, i get irritated when i feel crowded. i hate anyone hovering around...

i just get irritated and i feel it is my right to be irritated and nasty
i can cry in the spirit but otherwise i will never show any emotion so yes i am cold and unfeeling but that was my defence when i just got raped and i used to be hit from every direction by people i did not even know but now it is a prison i can't out of myself. i need ur help holy ghost, help me, show me the way out, heal my emotions i pray...

n.j hurt me for a millisecond and then i shut him out...

felt good because he set out to hurt me and then on my birthday after planning to hurt me, he bought me stuffs. Let me reiterate that he hurt me cos i guess he was hurt i did not wish him happy birthday on his. i was frozen i just could not.
(like the physical goodies will take the hurt away, all he succeeded in making me do is build another wall.) i think i am a construction engineer. i build walls no one can take down except me with the help of the Holy ghost.

he just showed me he had his own issues, he does not acknowledge me in the presence of others (that smacks of high school games, duh!), it just shows me that he does not know himself yet... he is not confident in God, he depends on his strength and i just remembered why i don't look in His eyes, i see fear when i look in His eyes, i am better off by myself and the Holy Ghost is working on me.

His word has the capability to produce what it talks about. its neither a myth nor a folklore. some people say we have more faith than God, untrue, its just because we want to put limits on God so we label somethings impossible as though we are putting ourselves and our word in the line. i read someone that God is not afraid of being put on the spot. He knows that all of His word is potent.


  1. deep stuff... sounds like recovery is well and truly on its way though..... and that is one of favorite Rebecca St James songs!

  2. Some deep truth. Just listen to dat inner voice and let the comforter b with u.

  3. I'm happy you are letting out the hurt. Release and liberty will surely come through the Holy Spirit. Take care dear.

  4. as each day passes- it gets better.

  5. oooo my are loved much...just know that God has brought you this far cos he has a purpose for need to forgive yourself and free your one can hurt you no matter how hard they are blessed and highly favored

  6. it'll all get better in time. i'm glad u trust God.loads of cyber hugs.

  7. @bagucci

    @fragile looks
    inner voice, uhmm!

    i am no longer hurt, just waiting...

    everyday brings new benefits, agreed

    i know o, that is what keeps me standing (spiritual sense of it; standing i mean), i have forgiven myself and freed my mind that is why i could let it out.

    this was more than 5 yrs ago, and its many years mixed up. i am good now...

  8. this is some deep real word! I envy your writing style!

  9. staggering in its strength and potency, lyrical and gripping in its style...amazing.

  10. woooow.....deep deep deep stuff....
    it could b difficult but trust and obey.for there is no other be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey. there is nothing too hard for the lord God to do.... God is with you

  11. trust in God, think positive for yesterday is history and tommorrow is mystery. Believe that God turns all things for good - dont consume your mind with any other thoughts

  12. You're a pot in Gods hands.
    I dont care how dark ur personality may seem and how loveless your aura might seem...God will mould u into the perfect woman with passing time...

  13. @ebony
    thanks for the compliment on my writing. i am touched

    staggering in its strength
    ok, thanks

    i do trust God, thanks for stopping by.

    @lil miss thang
    i am thru with thinking positive, its trusting God no matter what for moi!

    I am a a clay in the potters hands...

  14. Tisha, tisha, tisha.
    It is well. You'll be alright.
    Normally, I would come with some serious words and hit you on the head but no need for that today.
    The fact that you can recognize and acknowledge these things is a step to overcoming them.

    Don't forget - you can do all things through Christ that strengthens you.

    STOP BUILDING WALLS. You're not shutting others out, you're shutting yourself in!!!

  15. yea its all get better in time. take care of you babe

  16. i love the poem. :)


  17. waoh! That was some real cool stuff to sink into.. Very deep, I mean..

  18. @invisible
    hey, where have you been? How is work?
    yes. I am working at letting the walls down. I know that if i let it all down at once, i will fall apart emotionally and otherwise so i have started a step-by-step process of being open and not getting hurt if i get judged.
    In fact, i give people excuses to forgive them when they hurt me now, i try to put me in their shoes.

  19. @BSNC
    i believe i will get better with letting people in. shutting people out is just my defense mechanism so i don't get hurt or so i can mask the hurt.
    i am learning to be more open.

    the poem is credited to "blogoratti". i guess i'll add a link b4 i am accused of plagiarism

    deep eh? i want to learn to be more open and kick the judgmental folks into the lagoon
    lol (i mean it!)

  20. Just like what an adage says: When all else fails, Pray.

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Say whats on your mind. Still loving cos i don't see myself ever becoming a hater or confirming to the voice of the crowd either.
What can i say? Tell me what you think!