Sunday, September 27, 2009
I got the courage to extract this from my private blog and post on my public blog because i am finally sure i can handle whatever...
Hey blogaratti, i stole ur poem and used it, hope you are not angry, it means something different to me than what it means to you...
he (BLOGORATTI) sounds a lot like someone i like, i could have said liked but its liked, he has such a forceful personality and is selfish (this makes me think i am crazy o) its not enough to sacrifice my faith for sha but enough to hurt sometimes cos i am a fixer and because i see no way out but i know that God is the way-maker.
I do not like the way you stare at me.
With those wild eyes.
(my eyes can be haunted, wild eyes, i don't know if i have wild eyes. i don't know that i stare at him but since i am afraid i have a message in my eyes, i usually avoid his eyes but my boss is still not satisfied)
I do not like the way you look.
With those dark clothes.
(i do wear dark clothes though, i will try to buy new clothes but will i be doing it because of me or because i like looking good, as soon as i resolve those feelings, then i will buy new shirts)
I do not like the way you love.
Empty feeling and emotions.
(i don't love, i only hold my emotions in because seriously i don't feel loved or comfortable in my environment. i don't know if i can have their kind of marriage and be satisfied in it, 'just pick anyone', 'love without trust', i feel they are living empty lives and the way the holy ghost makes me feel when i worship makes me know i can't live a 50% life, its 100% or nothing)
I do not like the way you are.
A stranger hiding in the dark.
(i can only be a stranger until i trust and if i can't trust then what will i do? my sis has fought with me, she says i am too distant, i can't be any different and i can't help myself, it makes me cry sometimes)
What would i like?
I would like to....
Think with your thoughts.
Watch with your eyes.
Love with your heart.
Escape with your body.
(this smacks of crazy unimaginable intimacy, can i be this close to anyone or allow anyone to be this close to me. i keep freezing people out and i can't help me, i can't even stop it. i can be snobbish and nasty and standoffish just to push people away and no one is special to me as soon as i have not let you in. 'escape with your body' i am not sure i am quite comfortable with that statement, my body belonging to someone else to manipulate at will, me freely giving up my body is not something i can phantom, i am scared...
i can't let go of me and only the holy ghost can set me free and someone says i should make the decision. why do i say this? it is because dee puts me off now (when i think of him, i just want to throw up), maybe its because he just wanted to have me at every cost and i do not think i could please anyone for long, i get irritated when i feel crowded. i hate anyone hovering around...
i just get irritated and i feel it is my right to be irritated and nasty
i can cry in the spirit but otherwise i will never show any emotion so yes i am cold and unfeeling but that was my defence when i just got raped and i used to be hit from every direction by people i did not even know but now it is a prison i can't out of myself. i need ur help holy ghost, help me, show me the way out, heal my emotions i pray...
n.j hurt me for a millisecond and then i shut him out...
felt good because he set out to hurt me and then on my birthday after planning to hurt me, he bought me stuffs. Let me reiterate that he hurt me cos i guess he was hurt i did not wish him happy birthday on his. i was frozen i just could not.
(like the physical goodies will take the hurt away, all he succeeded in making me do is build another wall.) i think i am a construction engineer. i build walls no one can take down except me with the help of the Holy ghost.
he just showed me he had his own issues, he does not acknowledge me in the presence of others (that smacks of high school games, duh!), it just shows me that he does not know himself yet... he is not confident in God, he depends on his strength and i just remembered why i don't look in His eyes, i see fear when i look in His eyes, i am better off by myself and the Holy Ghost is working on me.
His word has the capability to produce what it talks about. its neither a myth nor a folklore. some people say we have more faith than God, untrue, its just because we want to put limits on God so we label somethings impossible as though we are putting ourselves and our word in the line. i read someone that God is not afraid of being put on the spot. He knows that all of His word is potent.