Wednesday, June 16, 2010

where i am TODAY...

I feel at peace. If anyone asked me if I ever wanted to work in faith based organizations after I have been through the wringer these last three years I would say a big no and run far away and never volunteer or even offer to use my gifts for the work of God (cos that is what it really is!)
Everything they say about faith based organizations is true, you will feel used and unappreciated many times, you will feel run over, you will think that ‘koro’ can get folks ahead faster than doing the right thing and you will feel honesty is not the best policy and after a while you will wonder if you are working for God or just to fill your belly. Your beliefs, your mindset, who you are and what you stand for will be challenged daily and if you fall it is only because your strength was small. Many days, you will even want to just ‘fall’ and get it over with and go live the world way.

What they won’t tell you by the way, is that, amidst all the jockeying, lobbying, politicking and small (stupid in my opinion) talks, there is a God actively working in the people who are sensitive enough to hear Him and do His bidding. What no one will tell you is that God is there; but to hear Him, you have to consciously shut out the world and really believe Him like you say you do. What some would not tell you is that even though you feel like every thing is out of control or going the wrong way, He has got His hands on the rudder, gently steering you in the path He has chosen for you, they won’t tell you cos sometimes they don’t know, and sometimes they half-believe God is not involved even I sometimes forget that God is in charge of steering my life in the direction He wants it to go for a better purpose than I have planned for me.

Lately, I was just going on and on about how I wanted the mind of God established on earth concerning me and my family and then I asked myself if I did not already have the blueprints drawn and was waiting on God’s approval instead of asking Him where He wanted me to go. I slapped my head ‘ohmyGod here I go again’. I started being thankful because I again recognized the hand of God. In March 2009, I sowed se, I sowed only because I wanted money beyond my imagination so I could be financially free and not beholden to anyone. I wanted to be ‘free’. Let me say that I knew what I wanted but not what I needed so when I got to the gathering of believers and God singled me out as usual with a word, I was embarrassed and then nonplussed, I was like ‘what did I ask you for? O Lord you have started again?’ I wanted finances and God gave me healing, the healing was worth more than any amount of money he could have given me, funny thing is i was not consciously or unconsciously expecting it, i was only religiously expecting it cos i had waited a while...

The scriptures say that …if we ask according to his will, he heareth us and that if he heareth us, we know he has answered… The scriptures say, ‘that sometimes we ask ‘amiss’ that “…he makes things beautiful in His time…” that …His thoughts are always good
All of this is true but I had picked the one I wanted to believe because all the rest were constantly being rationalized for me that he may not (they could be ambiguous statements, they could mean anything) , He may do this but not want to do this so I looked for an unambiguous scripture that could only mean one thing Jer 29:11 says “…the thoughts He has towards me are thoughts of God and not of evil…” I personalized it and fasheed the rest, I did not care what the other areas had to do with it, all I wanted to know was that He was good all the time and today I believe the word of God (all of it) because he proved himself to me in one of his word that I could speak… Did I need Him to prove Himself? I could say no but when it carried to application I did not believe. why? (you can say I paid lip-service subconsciously; you know there are words you say religiously but it does not carry to actions, this was how i was). I wanna believe Him all the time because I know He is real and true but sometimes I just lose focus and get hung up on the things that don’t even add up when you consider what is important!

I am studying the power of speaking consciously and unconsciously because subconsciously I am learning, my mind focuses on words and the effect and power of those words over time, I am teaching me to be careful how I speak and what I say and it is not easy, I have been doing it for a while but I need to prune my thoughts and my words from time to time that I may be pleasing to Him who has bought me with a great price. I am a work in progress but still a new creation nonetheless, I am a king/priest/ exactly like Christ representing but still in training, I choose to continue to be teachable by His grace and open to deeper truths by His spirit. The only way to grow is to read the word of God, study and fellowship with the Spirit of God so i am consciously studying the word, fellowshipping is another thing, i get too subconscious!
My mind has been on Zechariah for a coupla day’s, not seeing anything but I know there is something there for me, not pushing it though, can’t take the pressure or can i?

I remember ‘Nigerian Drama Queen and 36 and Mz Dee today, they were my first friends that I really gbaduned on blogger and they thought me to always explain the Nigerians slang I used, it just got away from me with time decided to give some respect to the folks that aren’t Nigerian who may visit my blog, hi guys!
I wrote face book just now (before writing blogger I mean), don’t mind me, I finally admit it, I am addicted to face book and its not a bad addiction (take note x-school nerd)’

Meaning of words:
Koro - crooked means

Jockeying, lobbying, politicking- living the way of the world as opposed to the word of God

Se/abi – right

OhmyGod here I go again – a phrase I like

Fasheed – Forgot about the rest

Gbadun- like

Gbaduned - my word for ‘liked

These words mean I am Nigerian and when I am gisting; all these different languages come in from time to time and make themselves at home.

Final word: When i joined the faith based organization, i was not sure what God had in store for me, all i knew was that as much as actions belied the fact, i was convinced that God was there and it was not because of anything i could see on the outside.
God has been faithful and has not disappointed me! He's faithful and if He tells you something, you can bank on it

Please send me Questions for my 100th post, i only have three or four question yet and i am hoping for at least 20, at most 50...pretty please


  1. "I am studying the power of speaking consciously and unconsciously because subconsciously I am learning, my mind focuses on words and the effect and power of those words over time"

    So true. Deep post.

  2. I'm gbaduing your posts o and learning new Nigerian words too. I learnt from this write-up.

  3. Even though sometimes you are a lil mean and harsh to me, I always thank God for you and your posts.

    They always teach me sth.

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  5. This just boils down to the fact that once you work with people certain habits are unavoidable, small-talk, politicking and all that. Each time that happens the best thing is just to reset our eyes on God, He is our ultimate motivation after all. Like you rightly said, one of such ways is meditation on his word... I pray God gives you the grace to navigate this. :-)

  6. @jaycee
    Thanks a lot, you are a blessing. i was at your place (blog i mean) and i liked that stuff you said about you and your shadow, deep...

    will be back to drop a comment on that post.

    I gbadun yours too especially cupid risks. I am naija to the bone. i see you are pluralizing 'gbadun', i got to take some time to think about how to conjugate that word... hmmm! lol

    Hi, was at yours, hope you are better, don't take things to heart too much but then maybe i don't understand it all but i think over the years i have discovered that love is always the way out. God is love, i try never to forget!

    @berean girl
    I have his grace, thanks babe. I don't know if i will ever get used to politicking but i love what i do and i have a gift; tenacity, you can't take it out of me if you tried to bleed it out, lol.

    @ chinese fellow
    i couldn't hate a person if i wanted to, it's not in me. Forgiving is no longer new to me. I have been doing it. Hating is too much effort, i can't afford it, would rather love cos i have the Holy Ghost; he makes it all worth it for me.

  7. so deep!it seems God has bn speaking to me through blog posts lately.

    bn a while.thanks 4 stopping by mine & let's make blogging tick again!

  8. Hi Tisha, I found you through Feedjit. Congratulations on you honest blogger award. I am a seeker like you and have a blog about codependent women. I became a follower of your blog and hope you'll follow me back. Thanks!! Randi

  9. Your posts always encourage me spiritually to grow..
    I once worked ina church based christian organisation,It was not a good experience at all, made me question alot but then again we are all work in progress, humans

  10. @ Musco
    I fear i have been diluted again. yeah, i am gonna make blogging tick again.

    @ Chinese guy
    actually God orchestrates every part of my life, i just don't know where he is going until he tells me. All i do is follow cos i TRUST him.

    yeah, i will follow yours and i am checking it out now.

    I totally get you. All they do is make me question their convictions and their ambitions. I never question God, His word is always true...


Say whats on your mind. Still loving cos i don't see myself ever becoming a hater or confirming to the voice of the crowd either.
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