Exposed... this is how i feel

Lord, i love naija denzel,lord take care of him, he was so depressed yesterday, i was really sad and down. he came up to check me and wish me a merry xmas . i was hiding in my office as i dont know what he digs about me by the way . i think i am in-love with him or love him a lot anyway. it happened cos my mind was always on him and he is actually a great guy. With principles he lives his life by, there is no way he wont turn out to be one of the world changers of our time. how did i start loving him? i guess i just liked him at first because he did everything he did from his heart and never asked for a reward like other folks and he did stuff for me and not just me but everyone without expecting anything in return. i am sure he has his flaws but he is the closest things to Jesus i have ever met and i appreciate that. maybe its because i see through rose-colored glasses now but hes really a great guy and he does not know i think so. he thinks i am a stuck-up, nasty and proud girl and i dont think i am any of those things but how will he ever find out when my mouthy mouth just wont speak. i swear my mouth absolutely refuses to work around him, all it can say is hi. my self-esteem (not that he has anything to do with it) has been taking a nose-dive these last few months and the worst thing is that i think he has some issues he just cant tell me about because i am too shallow and insensitive (this i admit) well, i love him (i think), but where will that get me? i just keep hurting him left, right and center. funny thing is as i am hurting him, it keeps hurting me as well. (you dont get it right, i dont get ir myself). i hope he has a wonderful xmas and new year and smiles a lot and forgets about me since all i end up doing is making him miserable and angry. enough about my non-existent love-life (not that there are not toasters) just dont like any of them in particular if not i may have to start running again. the story of my life. well, great gist, my dad who had been out of a job for about 5 years has a new job in AB (code name for one of the South-south states ) with a house and car and a whole new life. Good news: yeah, i guess. because now i dont have to worry about watching if my dad is suicidal or not and theres more money at home and my siblings can go to school with less stress and it all happened when i gave my seed. (glad about it though it was painful). hes in front of me now eating and ordering everyone around, its his right but i kinda resent that. i have never had a close r/ship with my dad and i dont plan to. i just want him to be ok and do well and get saved , my sis too. if everyones ok then i can relax and just love God and then get my life in perspective. these are the things i am thankful for. i love my family i guess, we were never a very expressive family. used to have loads of money and it got difficult when we lost it, but i was never happy, just knew how to cope with whatever came my way. i dont want to end up like my mom, would rather stay unmarried than live life like her, enough of this persimism, i am thankful for the year 2008 is all that matters and God loves me. i am sorry i compared naija denzel with my dad or that i compare my mom with me, we look so alike its difficult to not imagine stuff! i am thankful that in 2008 i have grown that in 2009, i will treat people better both believers in christ and unbelievers. i will treat naija denzel better. i guess i was just living my life not planning to hurt other people but sometimes, it is impossible to live without affecting the people around you, so i guess you should make the choice to influence the people around you right in spite of the circumstances life had throw at you. at the age of 16, it was me who always said that your circumstances do not define you, so i am saying to me: you are greatness personified because christ in you the hope of glory and if any man is in christ, he is a new creature, old things are passed away and all things are made new. and i know the grace of God that though he was rich he became poor that i through his poverty might be made rich and the lord is my shepherd , i shall not want, and that oppression is far from us as the east is far from the west. where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty. next post: i think ill update on my life so far and then the dark years in unilag and how i found the light and how it all formed me and re-formed me into another person. NB: i was talking with someone briefly about my childhood and the person said something about me when i was a kid, and i was a little sad and then that was the highlight of my day because i had lost the little girl inside me who used to laugh and sing with abandon. she is gone. then i felt joy because it was the best time of my life to dance and play under the stars and to encourage and carry other people along. those are the best parts of me and if i can, i want to ressurect the part of me that took pleasure in life before "life happened. ok i really am a girl cos more weird things are happening. what was my conclusion when i woke up this christmas morning, before i became all moody a few minutes ago, it was that i loved him, money or no money, looks or no looks, even with some not so pretty habits, it just seems like everyone is throwing information at me and i am even going to risk me, he is the one that may actually get the chance to break my heart, i really hope this is not a game because you know guys and i fit the criteria for games like this cause i dont fall easily and love is important to me so even if i get him or not, all games are off, i choose to still say i love him even though i may get hurt. What won my heart? he has never looked at me like meat, you know that look, the one that says any girl is game as long as she has a face and a pair of boobs and ass. Hes never given me that funny look