i can write uninhibited

POST 1 well, so what happened? i tried to send him the green light or whatever it is we do nowadays and what was his response? A cold polite hi! like i am stupid or something. It's not his fault, it's my fault for convincing myself that i am in-love wiith him. Is it even worth it? Now that i think about things more clearly, he has at least half a dozen girls convinced that they feel something for him and maybe i am just one of the many confused girls who is just part of the game to boost his ego. i may tell myself i am in-love with him but it does not mean i cannot do without him. It bites me to think i am just an ego booster. i feel as if my heart is broken but then i gave him the permission right and i was warned. i know right now i come across as paranoid and confused possibly hurt but to the folks who previously thought i was logical, smart and practical, i am sorry to dissappoint you. i am just human like the rest of the folks on planet earth. i was seething in silent anger. Guess what? i may be paranoid but i have a funny feeling that someone who knows me has access to my blog and instead of waiting for some anonymous folk to get me off blogville like they did... was it sting or 36, i am not so sure now. well, i kinda can read faces and he was with this other girl who i admit is hot but i absolutely did not like her the first time i met her, you know when girls just ooze 'hate vibes' . she used to size me up anytime she saw me and i just blanked her out. Of all the chics he tried to use to make me jealous, she was the one that annoyed me the most. i guess if he's happy, i'll let him go, like i have not already, i may seem really melodramatic but i hate how i got involved in this stupid game cos when i look at it now, it's like a stupid game to get me to look stupid which is exactly the reason why i don't do office romance, the girl comes out looking stupid and suddenly there's rumors of how the girl was trippin' and all that. If he loves her, he should find a way to let me know. i never wanted to be involved in all this. i thought i had it covered and now i need a new job a.s.a.p. my office has always been uncomfortable and now it is more so but before that, i need some damage control. i need to take control of the whole situation. I would hate to think that he never even liked me in the first place and that it was all a game from the beginning cos then the really great guy i thought he was would dissolve. ok i don't have control of other people, but i have control of myself and the way i react. i am so dreading training cos our last training, i was so hurt that my chest constricted and i had a really bad case of anger and heart burn. this is why i never get angry or why i deal with anger quickly cos it hurts so bad, its 3 days to the end of the year and all i can hold on to as what i really have is God and someone once said that's a good place to be. so i am getting a taste of my own medicine and it does not taste so good. (being ignored, albeit politely) i admitted i love him and i still do cos i think he deserves it but i don't have to end up with him now do i? Nah! cos i will make him miserable, he deserves someone who can make him happy. That is agape to be able to let someone go in order for the person to find happiness. i sound so noble don't i? The story of my life, the martyr. You know what? I sound really crazy and i think i am going to mail invisible for some personal advice. His theory did not work. On a lighter note, i am glowing right now. I dont know if its cos i changed that hideous facial cleanser i was using or because i am happy inside. i am at peace i guess, i feel a confidence i have no right feeling in natural circumstances (but nothing about this circumstance is natural). It seems like everything around me, the outside is going crazy but inside i am at peace. I am thankful for making it to 2009, its 3 days to 2009 and i amd fasting 30th and 31th. It's been a while since i fasted, now i am not talking about the numerous voluntary starvation (that's story for another day). i am going private in approximately a month's time and if you are interested in having access to my blog, just mail me at tishasmith010@gmail.com and ill send you the password cos i am not going to stop writing for anyone.