Monday, December 22, 2008
i offloaded my feelings so i could be light... and got insulted by teebay my blogville psychologist who wants me made over overnight, these things take time i tell myself. (but the other party usually does not see things this way). whatever! i was told i needed a coquette, and i quote 'to deal u sm blows, make u do stuff u neva done b4, make u open up n stuff' definition: a woman who flirts lightheartedly with men to win their admiration and affection; flirt. (i totally don't get this. a coquette is usually female, i need a female to deal me some blows and make do stuff like i have never done before, like make me open up and stuff) answer: i'd rather open up to a close friend of mine male or female, i tried once but then all my friends were exactly like me: stuck up and snobbish. i was hurt that she (fairlady) could not handle it and so i kept it to myself. i'd probably open up to the new friends i made a year later, but cos of the skeletons i had in my wardrobe, i was almost always on the surface. i made friends with really wonderful people then who helped me through ma issues without asking questions; they are still in my life today even if i don't get to see them often. i can call them up and its like we had never seperated. i love them so much and regret that i can't mention their names. My thanksgiving for the year they are xtians but not the up-in-your-face judgemnetal kind of christians we have today who nail you to cross and expect you to stay there. they just want you to consistently hold a scarlet letter to your head and be condemned. which is why i am glad i never gave up my unbeliever friend, i never could have made it wthout them. i thank God every day i met them or i might have committed suicide (yes! that disgusting word) they neverasked me any questions cos it was better that way for us all, i couldn't talk then anyway. ...and invisible my blogville hero came and commented on my post. i so dig invisible cos he's not afraid to criticize me and all. so invisible, will appreciate it if you comment on every article since you stopped commenting cos these past months have been a little crazy and i don't know if i have been making the right decisions. (i really appreciate your honesty, pls feel free to psychoanalyze me; i always do it to others in my head anyway, lol. so... i was thinking of leaving blogville and i have barely been here 3 months, wait let me check the exact time. okay check and i have been on blogville 7months and i have really enjoyed it. yes its been a lot of offloading of feelings that have held me back for a good many years. i am thankful for blogville, its been like my family that listens and loves me just the way i am. i love you guys on blogville and i have enjoyed getting to know you and yours and your life even though i can't see any of your faces and i love it just the way it is! i am always kidding myself that many pple on blogville sound like my friends on planet earth living in naija: i have few of them, the ones i have i trust. One of them is tying the knot soon. Surprised she waited this long, she's funny and bubbly and full of fun, will miss her but i am glad for her too cos i know this is what she wants. Ok, I realise that all of this so does not make sense so if you get it, you do; and if you don't get it, you don't i am blogging straight from my head and i want the feelings and stuff to come out exactly the way i am feeling it so, whatever! i am sorry (my dangerous alter-ego: shut up, you pple pleaser, its
blog and you can do whatever you want with it) lol.
So i am listening to James Morrison’s 'one last chance' and it’s like still loading so... i'll wait. I just finished listening to the other one em' "you give me something"
and to be my honest romantic self, it's amazing! it speaks of letting go and finding out if naija-denzel has something to offer, perfectly logical conclusion.
on the other hand, to be my cynical self (my cynical self is always around to save me from being too idealistic). many fools are always around to betray you if you trust them an inch and they'll justify their actions. ok my cynical self believes this is a nostalgic song to sing when you are blue.
when you are sad and emotional.
Conclusion: though it is a good thought, i have concluded that we are star-crossed lovers, never meant to be. i magine the things i believe. (i always considered myself an optimistic person, but right about now i am a downright pessimist. i will be happy with naija denzel when he finally hooks up with whichever princess he speaks, so i guess i am still optimistic, and i know i will find my prince)
having problems downloading it!
downloaded after an hour and on a laptop again
well the song is a nice one about a guy needing healing for his head
will download both of them after i get my laptop this week then listen until i understand.
nice music even though i don't know if it falls under inspirational or xtian music
Finally, i am setting a wedding date for july 2010 and as from today i begin to work towards it. all my friends have been bugging me asking what i had been waiting for? could have married to 't' in 2005 but i just happened to not love him enough, never opened up to him, it was a crazy r/ship from the word go but i agreed to go ahead with it and ended up breaking up with t and affecting my perfect friendship with t (chic who introduced us). ibo boy! still like ibo boys bcos of t, had a perfect r/ship. problem: did not want to be a trophy wife, did not enjoy being a trophy g.friend, had all that money could buy but i did not see a future in it.
so my wedding date is july 2010. H.spirit, help me keep a dates!
i thought i could let this go but i need to ask, teebay (my self-proclaimed psychanalyst) what does this mean?
like now i hold myself back from writin stuff dat'll make ur head pop :)! lol i don't understand,
Defensive answer: (imagine you are talking to a pissed black american sister and her head is flying in all directions) next time when you feel like exrecising self control and not poping my head with stuff you write, be sure to send it to my inbox. address: email@example.com, will read it sometime and send you a reply.
this is my private space where i let go and blog my thots. it's meant to relax me and its serving its purpose. (here i get rid of all the hate and anger and the stuff that's bugging me and no on is getting me off blogger, at most i'll just delete this blog and start another cos i need it.)
more pple have annoyed me today but i just won't blog about it they are just not worth it. their life's too boring so they are always focusing on someoneelse's life. meaning mine, how i hate to be in the spotlight, what can i do? i guess i'll just shine the way i know best.