Thursday, December 18, 2008
...a christmas feeling.
i felt really bad yesterday, i am having the blues (invisible will never make a comment on my blog again since i have been whining over stupid stuff. i am smart but i feel so stupid right now cos i am treading in uncharted waters and i am paralyzed with fear (i guess!) i feel like a coward but i know i have got courage ok i will blame everything i write today on PMS cos it gets me emotional and acting unlike myself i am kinda scared to write about it but what the heck i will use it as a learning experience if any1 finds out about it and uses it as blackmail material well all through yesterday i was totally miserable and being in the presence of naijadenzel was like squeezing my insides and sending it through a grinder like the ones in street fighter i think i nearly passed out from the feelings i could not control (remind me to use this when i am writing my book, it will come in handy if good for nothing else at all) saw him earlier and he was surrounded by his fan club was jealous or not, i am not sure but i did not feel like ramming their heads into the wall so i guess i was not that jealous but what the heck i am the one who's being ignoring him so he deserves to live his life the way he wants it. the way that makes him happy, i mean am not one to have a dog in a manger attitude, i guess if he's happy, i'll be glad about it i am kinda of getting a stupid kinda of reputation that would make guys hate me before they meet me cos it appears/ or they interprete my responses as though i am proud but what can i do? i am just not a social animal; i think i could be quite reclusive if not for the job that i do yesterday, it was like God did not want me to bash my parents and their marriage, i don't hate them but i certainly don't want to be their de javu. i think i would commit suicide if i ever ended up with a replica of their life. 'perfect love casts out all fear' i think i just noticed a resemblance btw naijadenzel and my dad and i hate it. usually when i see any guy that looks like my dad i am pretty defensive and i turn nasty so they usually take to their heels but this feelings crept on me unawares and by then i kind of had a rapport with him so i set out to destroy the rapport and all i succeeded in doing was hurt me and him (maybe, you know guys) and make everything awkward. am i happy? i dunno! i got my way... but even sef God must have a reason for saying no and i have to be strong and not hurt me further (yes i am selfish) i need to look out for me. woke u this morning and was thinking about him, think about him at the oddest times! i think i am stupid and a psycho cos i know it mot likely will not succeed so why start? i would have loved to have had him as a friend and confidante but how do i even know i can be trusted. most of the stress i am going through comes from the fact that i can't talk things through at home, my younger ones can't stand him and don't want me to give him the time of the day. what about me i ask? well three months ago, i knew what i wanted, but today, i am not sure what i want but i know what i have to do and its sad but i guess i'll go on. cos its only God i can't do without and i won't do without it. Even though teebay says i will regret it in the future, i don't think so. i believe all things will work out for good. so my emotions are back under control cos am seeing ma lady in red, no more disgusting mood swings and unpredictable behavior. I know God will get me through this time. i still feel so stupid and strangely vulnerable, today i wanted to cry and then everyone at the office that could annoy me annoyed me and then i snapped and two people and then shut up before i did more damage, i feel like i am out of control and its not funny, i need my self-esteem back, i feel like everyone is stabbing at me with little knives and it is getting real crazy. u know what maybe i am paranoid, what i do know is that i need to stop thinking, face work, read a book, whatever will calm me down. jeez, i should be dramaqueen and not tisha. One thing i know for sure is that God loves me, I love me and my family love me and i can vouch for some of ma friends that they love me, its good enough for me, that is!