Thursday, December 18, 2008

...a christmas feeling.

i felt really bad yesterday, i am having the blues (invisible will never make a comment on my blog again since i have been whining over stupid stuff. i am smart but i feel so stupid right now cos i am treading in uncharted waters and i am paralyzed with fear (i guess!) i feel like a coward but i know i have got courage ok i will blame everything i write today on PMS cos it gets me emotional and acting unlike myself i am kinda scared to write about it but what the heck i will use it as a learning experience if any1 finds out about it and uses it as blackmail material well all through yesterday i was totally miserable and being in the presence of naijadenzel was like squeezing my insides and sending it through a grinder like the ones in street fighter i think i nearly passed out from the feelings i could not control (remind me to use this when i am writing my book, it will come in handy if good for nothing else at all) saw him earlier and he was surrounded by his fan club was jealous or not, i am not sure but i did not feel like ramming their heads into the wall so i guess i was not that jealous but what the heck i am the one who's being ignoring him so he deserves to live his life the way he wants it. the way that makes him happy, i mean am not one to have a dog in a manger attitude, i guess if he's happy, i'll be glad about it i am kinda of getting a stupid kinda of reputation that would make guys hate me before they meet me cos it appears/ or they interprete my responses as though i am proud but what can i do? i am just not a social animal; i think i could be quite reclusive if not for the job that i do yesterday, it was like God did not want me to bash my parents and their marriage, i don't hate them but i certainly don't want to be their de javu. i think i would commit suicide if i ever ended up with a replica of their life. 'perfect love casts out all fear' i think i just noticed a resemblance btw naijadenzel and my dad and i hate it. usually when i see any guy that looks like my dad i am pretty defensive and i turn nasty so they usually take to their heels but this feelings crept on me unawares and by then i kind of had a rapport with him so i set out to destroy the rapport and all i succeeded in doing was hurt me and him (maybe, you know guys) and make everything awkward. am i happy? i dunno! i got my way... but even sef God must have a reason for saying no and i have to be strong and not hurt me further (yes i am selfish) i need to look out for me. woke u this morning and was thinking about him, think about him at the oddest times! i think i am stupid and a psycho cos i know it mot likely will not succeed so why start? i would have loved to have had him as a friend and confidante but how do i even know i can be trusted. most of the stress i am going through comes from the fact that i can't talk things through at home, my younger ones can't stand him and don't want me to give him the time of the day. what about me i ask? well three months ago, i knew what i wanted, but today, i am not sure what i want but i know what i have to do and its sad but i guess i'll go on. cos its only God i can't do without and i won't do without it. Even though teebay says i will regret it in the future, i don't think so. i believe all things will work out for good. so my emotions are back under control cos am seeing ma lady in red, no more disgusting mood swings and unpredictable behavior. I know God will get me through this time. i still feel so stupid and strangely vulnerable, today i wanted to cry and then everyone at the office that could annoy me annoyed me and then i snapped and two people and then shut up before i did more damage, i feel like i am out of control and its not funny, i need my self-esteem back, i feel like everyone is stabbing at me with little knives and it is getting real crazy. u know what maybe i am paranoid, what i do know is that i need to stop thinking, face work, read a book, whatever will calm me down. jeez, i should be dramaqueen and not tisha. One thing i know for sure is that God loves me, I love me and my family love me and i can vouch for some of ma friends that they love me, its good enough for me, that is!

8 comments:

  1. ooooh u got butterflies in ur tummy.... (lol)

    we see people and we fall for them, its called chemistry...
    our beliefs and personal principles hold us back from turning it into biology ;-) (know wat i mean??)
    dont hold back or run (or in ur case chase ppl away)
    a day lost is a day u can never get back. use every second wisely cos it counts

    if u dont do wat ur heart tells u, u'l feel really bad bout it in future (near future)

    three months ago ur head was in charge, today ur hearts kickin it.
    find a middle ground for both (use ur belief and principles)

    :-)

    hey heard dis really beautiful songs by james morrison- one last chance and you give me smthing.
    beautiful, really! listen to them.

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  2. awww, i hope u get sorted out, i know that feeling of losing ur self esteem and feeling lyk everyone's against u. u'll pull thru and teebay's ryt abt finding a middle ground between ur head and ur heart

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  3. hmm... tish tish tish

    i tot i had issues.. lol

    wanna ask u smtins,

    are u scared of smtin?
    scared of openin up2 ppl,
    u dont like lookin stupid, feelin compromised or vulnerable in any way.
    u dont like the feelin of not being in control.
    yet u discover most of the time u're victim to ur emotions and stuff.

    i think u need to knw that ppl have to annoy u, they hav to get on ur nerves, not cos of any particular reason, but cos dats wat ppl do. get on other ppls nerves.
    am sure there r a bunch of ppl who want to snap at u too, who want to kick u whr it hurts n stuff like dat. dats cos its all a vicious cycle really!

    like now i hold myself back from writin stuff dat'll make ur head pop :)

    u need to knw wen ppl do stuff, its not their fault, really they cant help being d way they r (annoying). so with dat at d bak of ur mind, u need to take it easy on or with dem all. wen they step on ur toes, u appologise to them and wen next they're comin ur way, get ur feet outa their way.

    wen u feel the way u do, u carry a weight dat no one else does. dat weight affects a lot of stuff, like ur health and d way u see ppl n things (like naijadenzel. which by d way i tot i was! neways i cant share d title). dat could be dangerous to u.

    u knw wat, i think u need a coquette. to deal u sm blows, make u do stuff u neva done b4, make u open up n stuff. lol

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  4. hey, did u listen to dem songs?

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  5. i wont comment? i will o. i didnt abandon you. i'll brb with proper comment.

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  6. @teebay
    not yet
    thanks for the advice
    and you are not naija denzel
    he's just a random guy in my office
    and i have given myself till
    xmas to sort myself out

    @rayo
    thanks
    you are so sweet

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  7. listened to them
    its touching!
    thanks for the advice

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  8. So I'm back!!
    Now I discovered that teebay and I kinda have similar personalities which kinda means I'll agree with some things he says. But regardless, I'll put my 2 cents in the bucket.

    You don't whine about stupid stuff by the way. I gave you the honest blogger award for a reason.

    Naijadenzel .... what can I say. You marked your territory and put him outside of it. Now you got the butterflies and you wish you didn't push him so far away.

    My head is not quite in the stable state anymore so I may not make real sense here and I'd rather not say nonsense.

    I'll say something though. Don't ever, ever see your relationship with someone the way your parents had or have theirs (this applies if your parents relationship isn't as good as you wish it could be, since I don't know, I'll stop personalizing it). Just because parents make mistakes does not mean we will make mistakes. We are NOT our parents. Yes, we do learn from them but we don't have to live how they did. You have your own course to set and if you need to change maps and compass to set it right, do it!!! Chasing a guy away because he looks like your dad is not right. You may not like it but what if that's God's way of making your relationship with your dad stronger?? Doing that is you just hurting yourself more and who knows, you may be chasing that someone.
    You can't do without God and trust me, you can't do without that someone either. God talks about two becoming one - flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone??? You need God and that someone. Now you definitely need God to guide you in the right direction, not point you, guide you. You can't link everything to God though. You can't push people away for some reasons and think God said no. Nope, you said no.
    I'm a religious guy so I'll say I know what I'm saying. I won't preach to you though.

    You have a huge fence around you that you need to bring down a notch. Ask God to help you with that. You have so much love to give, don't hold back. Love is a beautiful thing. It is painful when it's lost but guess what? The pain makes you stronger. You're not being strong though. You're on the defensive. You've got to go and fight.


    I'm going to insert my disclaimer now, lol.

    Disclaimer:
    *If I've misunderstood you, I apologize. My comments are just what I PERSONALLY feel about this post.

    ReplyDelete

Say whats on your mind. Still loving cos i don't see myself ever becoming a hater or confirming to the voice of the crowd either.
What can i say? Tell me what you think!