I am scared for the first time in a long time...
This was supposed to be the title of my post but after i conquered fear by the power of the Holy Spirit, i swore (it is that bad?) i vowed not to give fear priority in my life because when i had been blogging in recent times, i kept skirting the important issues in my life. So since N.j, i have gotten involved with another young man and i was taking it slow so that i would be sure i wasn’t on the rebound. So i am enjoying Dee’s honest humor but i am not quite as eager as he is to walk down the aisle and i am a gal o! I like him a lot cos its easier to understand him. so i have these issues. I believe that apart from the regular sociopaths and serial rapists and killer and ritual killers and basically psychos- i believed that other folks were basically normal, now these male folk at my office set out to convince me that every guy is a monster because that is the description i got from what they told me...
So this is how my morning started... (You’ll say what a bad way to start a morning when you finish. Hey guys, for the folks on Blogville who wonder, i am good. I am basically back to my logical self but part of the irrepressible romantic side of me is on display on the weekends but for the weekdays, its all logic. Don’t blame me, they said i would not understand the Holy Ghost with all the logic in the world. So i let go on the weekends, i am more me on the weekend. Weekdays, i wear a facade!)
So i refused to get close to my beau cos i was scared and i wasn’t sure if i could trust that he wasn’t some serial rapist or murderer or someone who just wanted my body and so i kept pushing to keep everything on a friendship level. He asked me to come and help him move into his house at the end of April and i eased out of it with my usual slippery ways, i was slippery as an eel.
He told me all he wanted was a serious r/ship and that we could get married early next year as i had planned initially and i just did not want to think about it. I have a commitment phobia. If i were a guy, i would not take the trash i give from me? i would walk away and so i don’t know if i am expecting him to walk away or not, i sha respect the persistence of some guys sha. But that is why they can always be quite nasty and harsh on gals because of all the rejection they have had to receive from many gals in their lifetime before finding the one. How do you know that a person is “the one” by the way?
I have tried to stop this fear thing but i cannot do it on my own. I cannot help myself, i need God’s help and i need to limit the number of guys asking me out too. I should be flattered but i am not, i just think that they are giving me stress. I always hate myself or subconsciously think i am loose when many guys are asking me out, like i am not good enough. I don’t know why i am having an identity crisis at theis moment but i know that “this too will pass” What is it about me that has changed, i didn’t have to try too hard to scare them away usually. I am almost fed up with the unnecessary attention.
I feel like i am losing him and i am hurt that i am frozen but i am also kinda i don’t care because i am scared to ever belong to anyone and lose myself. I am fighting it with everything i have. He says he likes me and i cannot respond the way i would want to because i don’t know how i feel and also i know that if i even whisper yes, i will just blink and see myself at the altar and i am scared of ever sharing living space with another human. I am more scared because God is still speaking but i am no longer hearing him like i could and i don’t know what i am doing wrong. I am terrified and i can’t even stop myself. I am still mediating on my fear False Evidence Appearing Real scriptures but not as often as i would like.
So now i am in between two guys; yes i still like Naija Denzel just don’t know if i know him well enough and what God is saying too. So if he is silent on both of them does that mean that it is someone else? I don’t know if this is fair, i know Naija Denzel, faults and all, but for now all i know about Dee are his good qualities and the plans (castles on the air) he has for us. He has a good job and all but when ever has it ever been about money for a chic like me? All my life (b4 the watershed event and after) i have been surrounded by guys who lived to please me, good car, good job, desire for a beautiful wife and all that. They always put on a good show and i was never impressed i always wanted them to keep it coming and now it’s all empty, i want more and i am not sure what i want. Its more than that, i want a guy who has all the works and loves the H.G as much as me, that is the fight i have with Dee, i just won’t do without the Holy Ghost.
Someone i should respect today kept saying annoying things with another guy; how that a guy can never be friends with another gal and that the guy was only timing a gal who thought she was only friends with. That he was pretending and i tried to tell them saying that there are exceptions but they kept at me saying that they are guys and they know; that all a guy ever wanted from a gal was sex. So how do they expect me to believe that? How do i get married, choose one of the guy who wants me solely for sex and then marry him. Therefore, all the guys that have ever been my friend or are my friends just want sex and so i should be wary of these sex-hunting guys. That my husband, his brothers and his friends all want sex from me, so i should spend the rest of my life being careful around them cos when they see a woman, all that is on their mind is sex, no matter who the woman is. Therefore, in the mind of every guy i meet, i am just an object. i refuse to believe that. their minds are just wacked and uninitaited, unrenewed. They are still living their worldly life in Christ, lol
I refuse to believe that my brother (whom i love dearly) and my cousins and my friends (all the guys i know and love even though i may only be able to count them on one hand) are just waiting for the day they would jump me or some other gal and do like Amnon did to Tamar. (like a scene out of a bad horror movie). It would mean that as bad as this world is, as much as it is sometimes depressing for me that there were even worse things that none of the guys were planning to be role models. They were happy to just keep obeying their flesh and the enemy and that would be a very sad thing in deed. I refuse to believe that things can’t get better. I refuse to have any female children if that is the way the world is. I refuse to live in fear that just because you are beautiful, some idiot somewhere can decide to make you an object and not a living breathing human being, i refuse to believe that people are not willing to fight negative traits in their life. I have the spirit of a fighter. Any obstacle that comes my way better think twice cos i don’t give up a battle until i have won. I may be exhausted physically and emotionally but spiritually i am aware that all of heaven backs me when i fight a cause that God cares about. I know that i can move mountains with my mustard seed faith.
So i started May 11 as a disgusting day with disgusting guys talking about men taking advantage of gals because they just can’t control their sexual desires (but they do just fine when they see a naked mad woman on the road) and people having sex with their pets and other depraved things. What hurt most was that this was the mind of a man of the cloth speaking. How dare he? I had to ask God for forgiveness after because i can’t fight authority if i want the angels to recognize me, i can’t fight my parents authority or my spiritual leaders authority (wow). I have to be meek and lowly not subservient though just service oriented. I was so upset i ran out, i think they were trying to scare me. its complicated with me, things are always complicated with me, never ordinary. The driver, the man of the cloth, the wannabe X-tian and other things all concluded that it was lust because they could not understand it. I understand why they think that way, all of them who said rubbish, which is that that is the only life they have ever known. They are coarse and raw and disgusting, the kind of guys i would never communicate with on a good day. Lust Hmmm! The sound of that word sends chills down my spine. Another said a guy could spend 2 years bidding his time with a gal just to get her into bed. What kind of disgusting guy would do that just for sex, out from under what slimy rock somewhere in the jungles of Somalia did he crawl?
Honestly, what if all N.j feels/felt for me is L.U.S.T – a very dirty word, i would just die of heartbreak but on a less dramatic note, he would be just like other guys. Seems like i am having a yucky day today, i just feel that all the male-folk around are giving me a once-over, i feel like staying in my office and never coming out. I just banged the door to my office loudly and i never do that. i am feeling exactly the way i felt when that stuff happened and i know i cannot afford to have a nervous breakdown at this time. All my support team either are out of the country, married or busy working. I guess i am just going to have to depend on God alone cos i cant trust anyone, i feel as if i am in a tight tiny whole in the ground and that it is covering me. i don’t need my self esteem to take a nose-dive. Ehen! Let me say this, at this moment, if you say i am pretty, i frown; but if you say i am smart and intelligent, i smile, i concluded that i would rather be a mind than a body that is admired like a sculptor. I would rather be just human, which is why i like n.j breathlessly and why i like Dee and my best male buddy at the university. So did he want sex too? Those guys have got to be wrong, not every guy is like them and from today i am going to avoid talking to them.
edited some stuff, so this may appear confusing, bear with me, i am not ready to share all but there is a surprise on the way. a good one sha
Whatever happens, i know that God is leading me and that i am safe in His hands. I realize that safety is not a function of there being nice people around but that safety is a function of your location in Christ.
I am hid in Christ Jesus and Christ in God.
God is in control of my life and He may be speaking and i may not be hearing but i am confident in Him.
hi everyone (i am still trying to be honest)