okay it makes me sound like...

okay it makes me sound like a kid but what can i say? seems like i am sending mixed messages, well its not my fault. he actually ate my candy and then licked his fore finger, was that supposed to turn me on or what? when we are supposed to be just friends or was he checking to see if i would respond to him sexually, or he was just trying to get into my mind? Whatever, i think i enjoy the chase more than being caught, cos i am not looking forward to getting caught. i am upset that i am not getting the consistent attention i am used to and yet i am a little relieved. something inside me wants to ask what is wrong with me being friends with the guy? why is it that other girls get to be friends with the guy and i get to be the on that he has a thing for. i think i was more comfortable when i thought he was just being friendly. not just him. we all meet a guy and i am the one that the guy is interested in or hostile to. they just don't want to be my friends. they either want to date me or hate my guts. maybe its me. maybe i give off unconscious date-me signals and other girls give off be-my-friend signals i would so love to learn how to give off give-my-friend signals or else. now everything is awkward, exactly what i was avoiding. what can i do? i have made up my mind within this past few days, since he does not want to be friends, enemies it is. if he asks me out, i'll say no. why? cos i don't want to date him that's why! i am missing out on friendship with him all cos he's so selfish and wants to ask me out before he knows me. i'll still say no anyways cos i can't afford to date anyone right now. Emotionally, i can't handle it. all the stress of being in a r/ship. its a full-time job. i should know cos i have been in one. why is everyone different from me, they seem to have the best of the guy-world. too bad. i am me and i have to come to terms with it. check this. it just came to me, i am scared of being a nympho, that if a guy i really like touches me, i won't be able to resist and i am christian and i would much rather pls a God who lifted me from the depths of despair than pls myself. la la that's it.

i want to be honest!

okay! this was inspired because i went to mz.dee's blog israelinigerianrantings.blogspot and i saw that she tagged the people she considered to be the most honest. i am not having an attack of the green-eyed monsters cos it takes a lot of courage to be really honest. so i decided to vent about growing up and about how when we were kids; my mom used to do 60,000 worth of juju as far back as 1994, you can imagine how much that was worth then. we'd not have food at home and my mom would go like, "do you want ur dad to survive, do you want him dead?" and she would break up in sobs, and we the kids would be so worried, we would spend all night praying for God to provide the money? Where's the sense in that? i mean why did we not just pray for God to protect my dad? No! my mom would say. Only alhaja can save us, she has saved us before. that woman see's, she says its 'anini' (my dad's brother) who's worrying us. my mom learnt to effectively blackmail us kids, she'd take our school fees money, our clothes money, hair money, food money and if you dared complained, she'd ask you what food or clothes or celebration you can do if you were dead, that usually silenced us. as children, we marvelled at how powerful alhaja really was. Not to talk about the numerous baths we had in strange waters. As a secondary school child, i was not allowed to be normal cos just as soon as i made a friend, on of the various soothsayers would prophesy that the friend is evil and is bound to do ne ill. i was too scared to have any friend it was either daddy would die in a plane crash, get retired, get killed, we would all have very nasty incidents if we did not come up with the money for alhaja to buy goat brain and serpents teeth and python's egg. she was always asking for impossible things that could only be replaced by money. my mom was only too willing to produce the money at the expense of our comfort. we grew up lacking in the midst of plenty. That's why when i found jesus, i was only too willing to let go. trust alhaja to prophesy that the greatest money

My cute guy is tired

so the cute guy is tired of hide and seek. ...and the sugar babe just wants sex, can u imagine he said i should come to PH(not real)e see him, i can't say what he does? well he asked me to come see him that he stays in a hotel and that did i want to come visit? i jejely said i was not coming as i had the flu, he just wasn't caring. i should start flying down from lagos to PH with the flu just to see him, not cool at all. It upset me so that when i saw his IM on Yahoo, even though i am used to saying hi and chatting. i mean i have self-respect. i just could not speak with him. how dare he just want to sleep with me? i was so upset but i have long since accepted that a guy will try to get some if he can no matter how nice he is. all the fault of testosterone of course! well, the other guy, let me give him a name. naijadenzel. he enjoys talking to other gals mainly now that i am not gelling. i don't think i want to gel sef. he's always asking me to buy him stuff, what makes them see me as a sugarbabes who's ready to spend money for a guy. as much as i am mordern, i am still an oldfashined lady and the guy should buy the lady stuff. well, i am not hurt, just miffed that every1 is paying him so much attention. i guess i better get over myself. no love interest this month, ho am i going to cope? denzel hates me he loves me. i'll soon give him a reason to hate me. i can be a first class binch and play the ice queen, ungetable, but deep down i am actually sweet so much for sweetness i refuse to go after a guy and those naughty gals are doing much of it to annoy me cos i don't flirt whatever! i really don't care maybe a little maybe i should find another guy i like and go after him just to show naija denzel he's not so ho i'm hotter than em' lol sign out

Heart-sick!

cute boy or no cute boy! my sugar baby is back, he's no longer mad at me. Hmmm! we are not dating o but if u see the way we fight for each others time and attention, you would think something is going on, myself included. but no. o! nothing is going on and will go on cos i won't allow it, just friends is good enough for me. dunno if emotionally i can handle the stress that goes with being in a r/ship right now

The binches

hey,

you remember the two asses i talked about in the last blog. well, their plan to overthrow me did not work. can you imagine how two girls who pretend to be your friends (forget the fact that they are colleagues) suddenly get you into a position where they are claiming you are rude and nasty and all sorts gossiping and 'ish'. Now, because it did not work they are pretending to getting back to being colleagues and we are planning to go on assignments together.

it hurts but i am glad it happened cos now i know i have to walk like i am in a mine in japan and a bomb could just blow off unexpectedly. i spoke with the guy i stood up and he mentioned that they may be jealous of me though i don't know why? i do not think i am paranoid enough to think it is because of the macho male cutie in my office who is kind of into me sha!

i did not say, during all this pseudo fights we kind of met up at the coffee shop and he was telling me that he knows his mind and knows what he wants! my heart took a deep instead of a dive, or rather a dive instead of a ... whatever. i quickly added ...in life so that it does not just mean me. my issues are just totally interfering. well, he's acting all spiritual brother, i hope the act is not for me. i have been born again long enough to know that you can know jesus and still do rubbish! i also know that to grow, you need to consistently obey His word: that na bible.

so i am so into my work now. i don't know if i was snappy to him yesterday. well, what the hell, i can't be tip toeing around him, if he likes me, he ought to know that you should not give up the fight that easy. what's that saying again "faint heart never won fair lady". so when it comes to friends, i am not sure if i have moved forward. betrayed by female friends, moved closer to male friends...

uh huh! dunno men. i am just living my life by faith. yes, a cute fine boy will ask me out soon, maybe, maybe not. what will i say? i think he'll ask me soon though. i should have known cos his friends just kept coming around being all nice and polite and usually i don't give guys the time of the day but when i do, its usually as friends...

whatever, let me end this post with: i pray i won't disappoint my friends and that i and cute boy will not end up being enemies. friends is good enough for me but you know guys they are always on 180km/hr when the ladies have barely shifted gears to move.

as drama happens, i'll be guaranteed to blog on... hope nice things happen soon.

The Two binches

hey i am back. seems like i am having enough emotional issues to keep me blogging or journaling or whatever. 

remember the two asses i talked about from the last post, seti and rachel. rachel came and apologised to me yesterday even though it did not get to her belly, just because her propaganda is not working. then, bam! what do i see, seti comes to me offering for us to go on assignment together, she's going to be miserable not me.

well, i guess this is what i prayed about, even though they are biffed up and all that, it is not about me, i prayed to God for the strife to stop, for my sake not theirs. cos u know when you can't forgive someone, you put urself in a prison and give the other person the key.

...and of course most important of all it puts you in a bad place with God. so i had to get out of this shit anyhow, even if i did not create it.

i had never been quite so angry in a long time cos i never let stuff like that get to me.

New day, New characters

been betrayed by a colleague. i did not cry just upset that grownups don't care about lies there's this chic ass#1 lets call her Seti, she gets into a fight over any little thing. cross her and she'll fight you and then lie behind your back. she's married and i am sorry for the sorry ass she's married to, he must have to hide on hi roof pretty often to get away from her nagging. ass#2 lets call her Rachel. she's 36, claims she's 32, browbeats some guy into hooking up, they will hopefully be tying the knot next summer or she'll have a nervous breakdown. i wonder if she'll be really happy cos she just wants a ring on her index finger ( that's the marriage finger right!) well these two ladies from the old maids club are in about their mid thirties though one of them is married now, well they both claim they have never failed, when they told me i snorted under my breathe cos i mean, they slack off on work every now and then and have unending excuses for why they can't be at work. i mean if you are an ace students you can't have changed much, you gotta be efficient and all that. i mean they are a total zero when it comes to brain work. except you want to count ameboism. they gossip till they drop from the CEO to the cleaner, they have endless topics. they fight a lot too, i guess they must have gone to technical schools though they claim otherwise. when it comes to truth or loyalty, that word does not exist in their dictionary, they will lie ate the drop of a hat. there's a gorgeous hunk in my office who's into me. i so did not like me until rachel and seti began bitching at me. it sounds so cliche but i think they are jealous. he's a major in flirting. he's an ok guy but he does not set me on fire or any dramatic thing like that. he's cute and all that but i am just not into dating. he's not said anything yet but his eyes speak sister, you are crazy, his eyes speak? whatever! will blog soon