i thought i could post something...

i just cannot write anything on this blog right now. i am alive and okay but there is something inside me i need to sort out. emotionally i am at a blank. i need to make sure my work does not suffer.

... God did it.

and Jesus said "tisha come forth". this is how i survived the past week. had malaria. the last time i had malaria was like august2005. i was a big pain in the behind to everybody. was having nightmares and ish'. miss mz.dee, hope she is having fun iin canada though. now mz.dee has a life, we on blogville will have no more heartbreaker gist. my chi says "grow up". i rediscovered my chi this past weekend. my chi said tisha you have much to live for hold on, the whole world doesn't want to hurt you, you are just having anxiety attacks. my mind says focus, you have work to do, you used to be more objective and productive than this. this harmattan is getting on my nerves. ok i have been round all the blogs. saw naija denzel around and i am not sure how to relate to him. i want to be polite but have sneaky feeling that i sound snappy when i talk to him instead of nice and indifferent. i dont feel anything again for him, i think! i am still too woozy and spaced out from being ill. what was the goal in the first place of even starting any form of interaction with him. i am sitting here thinking i am a crazy chic and unlike anyone else on these earth. meanwhile, in my office, instead of bringing out my real personality i am trying to pretend like everyone else. i cant. for long periods anyway! so i just wanted to update because everyone else whose blog i went to updated too. no real gist. i wanted to say thanks to everyone that commented on my last post. chairlady is going private co s of some stupid gossip girl naija site, i think she is juvenile and did not bother to comment. if you know the trauma i have been through cos of gossips, you will know i do not fancy gossips; will not be friends with someone with a habit of gossiping, we will just not get along. teebay was speechless, now he is pissed, folks who have been reading my posts all through last year, yell in his ear that i am incapable of love. only invisible (blogville big brother still has hope for moi), Deola sweetie that she is, is an irrepressible romantic and wants things to work out, she reminds me of moi. XSN, i could not make it, apart from the fact that i was ill, i want to maintain my anonymity. have you heard about chari and buttercup, blogville couple, they hooked up, read charis poem, he almost made me a believer in-love, so sweet, see you guys next week. some banker guy told me how much he cared about me during the week and how that .... blah blah blah (stupid feelings again intruding, why is the whole world daft and retarded when it comes to love?), i was so numb, could not even feel anything. He sounded stupid to me. we were friends last year but he just went and spoilt everything. as far as i am concerned, i do not know him, do not love him, dont care. crazy dolt! these are the kind of people who spoil your day cos they lack timing.

to hell with the stalkers trying to get me off fb n blogville...

so i went off blogville for 12 hrs and i felt like my baby died i am so not giving up blogville i had to go round adding people's email addy and then mailing and requesting for them before i could add them and many folks began emailing me on FB that they needed a password to get on my blog i felt terrible and i released my blog again so folks i am being stalked on blogville and i may soon go off again and become private so if you are interested in having access leave me your email address when you make a comment. i went a little crazy between september and december and if you read my posts during that time you will find out that i was in-love with the idea of love and today i was accused of lusting i only wish i actually lusted so it woke me up and i am over naija denzel. i met a bloke recently who i can have all the crazy feelings for and not be insulted (i can hear invisible on the background telling me to slow down) i am moving at snail's pace. major challenge: distance. i will date him if he asks if not, i will be okay as just friends. He has read my blog and he loves it whatever, i have received too many insults and its about time i said good bye. i am pretty angry and could say nasty things but no it is not worth the anger i could spend on it i will learn something from it even though i am still waiting for what it is i will say i learnt it was just a waste of 5 good months of my life but that was what my dream was saying then i am just too deaf to listen sometimes. so to all the folks who gave me sound advice thanks to the folks i listened to, you must be thrilled to the folks i did not listen to. its not your fault, all you can do is dole out the advice i still make the final decisions. so i love blogville and like mz.dee who has been found out again (why can't folks mind their business) i am staying on in blogville no nosy, gossipy stalker can force me out of blogville. i nearly deleted my blog today, instead i made it private and then i made it open again. Blogville is my own world where i can be real and i will guard it with all i have got. Happy New Year!

surprise at work retreat!

okay! The decision has been taken out of my hands. First of all my job is important to me at least for the next three months and then if i don't impress my boss, i have to start thinking about what i should do next. ok stupid of me to think that i could trust any one's word. After all, the chic before me did not trust my boss's word so i should be asking myself why i did. It is because every one else is realistic but i am idealistic. One of my friend's in college once said i should be living in Jand that i am too good for Nigeria, i guess i did not quite understand what he meant. i am just too naive for my own good. well, forget about that heavy stuff, i'll deal with it and let you know how it went. so as our staff training program for the year, we went to a hotel that is supposed to be 5-star. let me let down my standards a bit and say that it passed muster. it was ok, i am not a swimming kinda gal so i did not go swimming. many folks did though including the chic who wants my job and the man she thinks is mine. Naija denzel the star of the last quarter of 2008 and starting line-up of 2009. o how i wish it was 2, 3, 4 or 6 guys after me at once. God forbid, i'd just break down from the stress. I am glad with the close friends i have and not toasters. Toasters come with their own brand of wahala! Anyhow let's call my roommates, Joy and Vashti. Anyhow, i isolated them, spoke to them only when i had to and all that. They are younger than me by the way and i should receive a measure of respect. anyway, day 1 i listen to Jaci Velaquez on my laptop with ear phones (no writing, i was on break!), play games and just call my best.f on the phone to get updates on whats up. Joy and vashti: i walk in on them doing what gals do best; gossiping. i walked into the room and their conversation does not have a continuation. i swallow my anger and just play polite. talk about the remote control and whatnots. Guess what? Joy, who is so into naija denzel is sending me anger vibes, i still don't know why? she is talking to me in a nice way but her eyes are spitting fire. then she starts trying to convince me to go to the pool with her. I overhead my three binches from an earlier post say that naija denzel was going to be at the pool. since swimming is not my thing and i want to avoid as much drama as possible, i politely decline thinking 'let me leave the road clear for her'. she has several people backing and as much as she has been bitchy to me, i think she deserves to be happy. well, the next day after a very dry dinner the night b4 where i had to watch naija denzel and Joy drooling over each other. i guess my manners just kicked in and i set out to eat myself in. i ate all kinds of dishes, i thought my tummy would complain, amazingly it did not. Joy drank the bottle of brandy they brought to the room all on her own. blah! anyway the next day, i set out the clothes i'll be wearing for the day, walk into the shower, take a bath and my pant is missing. my black lacy y strings that big gals wear or so a friend told me and guess who the culprits are! i search every where and then queen vashti comes at me saying i took all the goodies in the bathroom: by this, she means the shampoo and cream. this is after Joy tells me she has no body cream and i give it to her considering that i have a large jar of body cream. i look at them both in amazement and then out of nowhere, Joy goes like i am an into-myself person, that i don't talk to anyone except my best.f on the phone and that once i have my laptop, i am satified and i am wondering where do these little gossips get off criticizing me. it is at this moment i find out it is a set-up. after the petty fight, i apologise first, can you imagine stuck up ol' me. these gals should have met me back in the days, i could have given them something to think about. but i guess my prayer is working. i just kept telling myself that 'love them, love these crazy lunatics'. They made nasty comments all through our stay together and then had the guts to tell me that i had no care for them. people of these world amazing!

okay... 2009 is good.

i am having challenges all round and by His grace i will overcome bacause i am more than a conqueror it may sound strange but my power is in my tongue all the crazy folks in my office. They are simply amazing They inspire me to maintain the mystery around me cos i prefer to trust unbelievers than them

It's a new year and my heart has broken all without me doing anything about the situations at hand. It's time i grew up and took responsibility for every part of me. I have acted as though i did not have feelings and it used to be a strength but this past year, it turned out to be a weakness. It's just another reason why i need God, it helped me understand again what it is to be interdependent on other people. I have come to understand this past month that you can make your weakness your strength. So i have made a decision that i will do nothing about my love for naijadenzel. He's moved on already and i am cool with it. In my life, he will be known as "my knight in shining armour" and in further blogposts i will refer to him as such if ever i talk about him. I don't hate him. i am numb and indifferent but i have the spirit of God so i know i am on my way to increasing and improving and becoming a better me (smile!). I refuse any negativity this year. I am always at my best when i am not involved in any fights or gossip issues or anger issues so i forgive everyone this year before they even offend me. So i admitted that i loved naijadenzel and i decided i was not going to do anything about it because there were already two other females in the running who were more interested in making him happy so i opted out because 1. i have issues i am dealing with now that i need to give all my attention and 2. (He just passed me right now and i am amazed at him, how can he not get angry at my idiosyncrasies or he is just bidding his time before he shows me for my little stress or he doesn't even care, whatever! i have a pretty high opinion of myself so i'd just brush it off) i need to think about other people in life when making decisions. It's easier dealing with being around him because i have made a decision so no more anxiety. It's refreshing to be able to admit stuff to yourself and just deal with it than living in denial. i feel like screaming that i have grown up (lol). It was me who said at 13 that i wanted to remain a child forever that i never wanted to grow up or grow old. i feel glad and nostalgic at the same time, i am 27, it seems old but when i look in the mirror, i still look and feel 16 (i can hear you saying 'story', i said when i look in the mirror right!) well, like i said i have a lot, i had a lot of laughs last year, renewed old friendships and realised that a lot of my friends still had my back. i love my friends a lot and i appreciate all the stress they went to being a friend to me and good ones too. After knowing them i have had the privilege of also meeting nasty, vindictive, unforgiving and friendly on the surface people. The time you spend with them is always tense and stress inducing cos i can't trust that they mean what they say, they are two-faced, they say one thing and mean another, they back-bite and back-stab and take part in all the corporate mumbo jumbo. if they say i love you, i cant believe them. Some good has come out of this, it has made me appreciate the friends i had previously and regret the times when i took their sincerity and great attitude for granted. It has made me grow strong, how? in my dependence on God. Many times when they had planned one of their corporate set-ups, it was the "the still small voice" (my current phone profile) that had alerted me and told me when to shut up and when to speak out and nudged me to do stuff that kept me in line. He's taught me spiritual authority and loving my dad irrespective of who he is. Loving without the emotions right now but at least i pray for him that he'll received salvation. my dad sowed a seed of an undisclosed amount in his church (yes he goes to church). i never knew i could be glad like Joyce Meyer of any little spiritual improvement that came into his life. My pastor and a book i read taught me to not expect anything order than my father bringing me into the world. Michael Hosea said he was happy his father brought him into the earth and i could not understand it. How could he not be angry at what his father had done to him and he said something so profound that in this world we have little control over anything except how we think and how we live. i nearly burst into tears because i am a control freak and i love to control absolutely every thing. I went to see my publisher yesterday and i am afraid he may be starting to have feelings for me. I don't want that because i am really comfortable with him and i want a haven. My other publisher is married so no danger there. I handle everyone else because they don't have control directly over my job. all's well right now, i'll be checking in soon.

Happy New Year to all bloggers, i love you guys and Blogville that brought us together... Okay. Stop! I keep tearing myself down and i need to stop. i was thinking just this afternoon, 2 days to 2009 and i was like i had cooperated with other folks in helping to blow my self-esteem to shreds. i remember when i started building me up and my college pastor said i deserved the best and at the time i was no-good, at least to myself. (humph!) That day i promised to be my no.1 cheerleader and now i found myself breaking that rule and i needed to stop! what showed me this? let me just say as the year was coming to a close and another year starting, i saw no reason why i could not ask for God's help concerning the coming year. I need new flows of income and i need insight into the new year. Why walk like an ordinary man when i can use`the supernatural powers i possess. Today i called myself 'wonder woman' while fetching water with my siblings . (lol- laugh out loud) Its a day to xmas and right now, i can feel the H.ghost flowing through me and i wonder what he wants me to do. i think (i actually stopped and prayed in tongues and in my understanding). ok this year i choose to walk supernatural in spite of the issues i may see now, i say that this is my year of walking in the supernatural constantly. I choose to build myself up with my words and to choose which thoughts to think (only thoughts that build me up). I choose to take responsibility for my actions and to generally be a better person. i am more aware of the presence of God now more than ever (hope it stays this way all through the year). For this first three months, i may not see it all clearly but i speak and say that i am supernaturally favored and supernaturally directed this year. After all i am indeed crossing into 2009 in aproximately 7hrs and for the first time since december started, i am excited about something great. So time for some truths to myself: i am beautiful, not just beautiful but fearfully and wonderfully made by God, blessed, not just for myself but to be a blessing to myself and to my world. I am excellent in all things, walking in-love, speaking and my talk is seasoned with grace. I am kind and sensitive, as wise as a serpent (Hmmm!) and as gentle as a dove. I am peaceable, just, growing in the wisdom of God This is not just a new year resolution , it is a prophesy. I reckon myself dead indeed unto sin but alive unto God. What am i going to do about naijadenzel. I think things have sorted themselves out and i am just going to be friends. In spite of the fact that i love him, i won't deny that, he is lovable and just too good to be true. In real life, things that too good to be true are just that but in God's Kingdom, things that are too good to be true are just the hand of God. so what am i saying? I am happy for him and i hope he is happy too. (i am sorry, invisible, i'll mail you later!) In the spirit of the new year, let me end this with my favorite verse from school days when i was still building up (i plan to dedicate tuesdays to building up myself in the word and mondays and friday for blogging) 2pet1: 5-9 The Living Bible (Paraphrased) 5; But to obtain these gifts [Peter was speaking of God giving us ALL that we need for life and Godliness (moi)], you need more than faith; you must also work hard to be good, and even that is not enough. For then you must learn to know God better and discover what he wants you to do. okay, i was pretty okay with having faith and striving to be good and project the nature of righteousness, i ahd been given, i mean why would i not want to please a wonderful God like mine! He is just totally amazing! 6; Next, you must learn to put aside your own desires so that you will become patient and godly, gladly letting God have His way with you putting aside my own desires, a little difficult but i mastered them. Why? cos i loved God that's why! becoming patient and godly, absolutely difficult, it is wonderful when you have mastered patience, letting God have His way with moi was a bit more difficult cos as a youngster, i was pretty strong willed and knew what to do to get my way. I could always be logical and swing people in my direction no matter what! so giving in to God was like handing over control to someone else. How are you sure they will do what is best for you? I trusted God and handed over. Still trust God now and then, i am working on it! 7; This will make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and to like them, and finally you will grow to love them deeply. Now, here's the difficult part, i enjoy some people and some others i dont enjoy. just think about the faults of other people, disloyalty, lies, bitching, back stabbing, back biting, gossiping, cussing, betrayers extraordinaire, jealous folks, nasty folks; imagine all this ugly stuff and God expects me to 'enjoy other people and grow to love them deeply'. I am like "story" how does God expect me to do this? when i can't keep pretending for long hours. i have the people i love and the folks i tolerate and then the folks that don't exist. yes! that's what i think. Why do i have to do this i am yelling? I know God did all this for me but meen if i don't love other folks, i'd be hurting God. Guess what? i want to say God that's blackmail, then i remember the benefits of keeping God's word and i slid down the greatest idol in my life. It's not money, fame, good looks, guys or a car or a house. It's moi and i have to keep my flesh in control so i say Lord i'll try after all i call you Lord so i choose to obey. 8; The more you go on this way, the more you will grow strong spiritually and become fruitful and useful to our Lord Jesus Christ. I want to grow strong spiritually and be fruitful to my savior Jesus. I want to use the spirit of wisdom (to know what will happen in the future, and i already walk in it some but not sharp enough) and knowledge (to know the stuff that has happened in people's life without them telling moi), discernment of spirits (to know if a person is good or bad; i already know, would love it to be sharper though), gifts of healing (to heal the hurting, both emotional and physical;it's all got to do with the Holy Spirit ) and miracles (walk on water or float on the air or dissappear ), to be like Jesus. NB: all these gifts are in order to edify the church and not so you would entertain yourself. that is to build up the church. i feel guilty that i don't pray as often as i should and i would try to change that. (maybe 15 mins every morning) 9; But anyone who fails to go after these additions to faith is blind indeed, or at least very short sighted, and has forgotten that God delivered him from the old life of sin so that now he can live a strong good life for the Lord. and since i am not blind, i must do all of this... wow this seems like an adventure This is who i am in the presence of God. I am strong and have a good heart and i dont care when others wrong me but in the flesh, i am pretty vengeful. i just want to be more like God. If i were more like Him everyday, wouldn't the world be a better place indeed? To my fellow bloggers, plan your year for 2009, i am planning my first and second quarter right now! Happy New Year.

POST 1 well, so what happened? i tried to send him the green light or whatever it is we do nowadays and what was his response? A cold polite hi! like i am stupid or something. It's not his fault, it's my fault for convincing myself that i am in-love wiith him. Is it even worth it? Now that i think about things more clearly, he has at least half a dozen girls convinced that they feel something for him and maybe i am just one of the many confused girls who is just part of the game to boost his ego. i may tell myself i am in-love with him but it does not mean i cannot do without him. It bites me to think i am just an ego booster. i feel as if my heart is broken but then i gave him the permission right and i was warned. i know right now i come across as paranoid and confused possibly hurt but to the folks who previously thought i was logical, smart and practical, i am sorry to dissappoint you. i am just human like the rest of the folks on planet earth. i was seething in silent anger. Guess what? i may be paranoid but i have a funny feeling that someone who knows me has access to my blog and instead of waiting for some anonymous folk to get me off blogville like they did... was it sting or 36, i am not so sure now. well, i kinda can read faces and he was with this other girl who i admit is hot but i absolutely did not like her the first time i met her, you know when girls just ooze 'hate vibes' . she used to size me up anytime she saw me and i just blanked her out. Of all the chics he tried to use to make me jealous, she was the one that annoyed me the most. i guess if he's happy, i'll let him go, like i have not already, i may seem really melodramatic but i hate how i got involved in this stupid game cos when i look at it now, it's like a stupid game to get me to look stupid which is exactly the reason why i don't do office romance, the girl comes out looking stupid and suddenly there's rumors of how the girl was trippin' and all that. If he loves her, he should find a way to let me know. i never wanted to be involved in all this. i thought i had it covered and now i need a new job a.s.a.p. my office has always been uncomfortable and now it is more so but before that, i need some damage control. i need to take control of the whole situation. I would hate to think that he never even liked me in the first place and that it was all a game from the beginning cos then the really great guy i thought he was would dissolve. ok i don't have control of other people, but i have control of myself and the way i react. i am so dreading training cos our last training, i was so hurt that my chest constricted and i had a really bad case of anger and heart burn. this is why i never get angry or why i deal with anger quickly cos it hurts so bad, its 3 days to the end of the year and all i can hold on to as what i really have is God and someone once said that's a good place to be. so i am getting a taste of my own medicine and it does not taste so good. (being ignored, albeit politely) i admitted i love him and i still do cos i think he deserves it but i don't have to end up with him now do i? Nah! cos i will make him miserable, he deserves someone who can make him happy. That is agape to be able to let someone go in order for the person to find happiness. i sound so noble don't i? The story of my life, the martyr. You know what? I sound really crazy and i think i am going to mail invisible for some personal advice. His theory did not work. On a lighter note, i am glowing right now. I dont know if its cos i changed that hideous facial cleanser i was using or because i am happy inside. i am at peace i guess, i feel a confidence i have no right feeling in natural circumstances (but nothing about this circumstance is natural). It seems like everything around me, the outside is going crazy but inside i am at peace. I am thankful for making it to 2009, its 3 days to 2009 and i amd fasting 30th and 31th. It's been a while since i fasted, now i am not talking about the numerous voluntary starvation (that's story for another day). i am going private in approximately a month's time and if you are interested in having access to my blog, just mail me at tishasmith010@gmail.com and ill send you the password cos i am not going to stop writing for anyone.