Exposed... this is how i feel

Lord, i love naija denzel,lord take care of him, he was so depressed yesterday, i was really sad and down. he came up to check me and wish me a merry xmas . i was hiding in my office as i dont know what he digs about me by the way . i think i am in-love with him or love him a lot anyway. it happened cos my mind was always on him and he is actually a great guy. With principles he lives his life by, there is no way he wont turn out to be one of the world changers of our time. how did i start loving him? i guess i just liked him at first because he did everything he did from his heart and never asked for a reward like other folks and he did stuff for me and not just me but everyone without expecting anything in return. i am sure he has his flaws but he is the closest things to Jesus i have ever met and i appreciate that. maybe its because i see through rose-colored glasses now but hes really a great guy and he does not know i think so. he thinks i am a stuck-up, nasty and proud girl and i dont think i am any of those things but how will he ever find out when my mouthy mouth just wont speak. i swear my mouth absolutely refuses to work around him, all it can say is hi. my self-esteem (not that he has anything to do with it) has been taking a nose-dive these last few months and the worst thing is that i think he has some issues he just cant tell me about because i am too shallow and insensitive (this i admit) well, i love him (i think), but where will that get me? i just keep hurting him left, right and center. funny thing is as i am hurting him, it keeps hurting me as well. (you dont get it right, i dont get ir myself). i hope he has a wonderful xmas and new year and smiles a lot and forgets about me since all i end up doing is making him miserable and angry. enough about my non-existent love-life (not that there are not toasters) just dont like any of them in particular if not i may have to start running again. the story of my life. well, great gist, my dad who had been out of a job for about 5 years has a new job in AB (code name for one of the South-south states ) with a house and car and a whole new life. Good news: yeah, i guess. because now i dont have to worry about watching if my dad is suicidal or not and theres more money at home and my siblings can go to school with less stress and it all happened when i gave my seed. (glad about it though it was painful). hes in front of me now eating and ordering everyone around, its his right but i kinda resent that. i have never had a close r/ship with my dad and i dont plan to. i just want him to be ok and do well and get saved , my sis too. if everyones ok then i can relax and just love God and then get my life in perspective. these are the things i am thankful for. i love my family i guess, we were never a very expressive family. used to have loads of money and it got difficult when we lost it, but i was never happy, just knew how to cope with whatever came my way. i dont want to end up like my mom, would rather stay unmarried than live life like her, enough of this persimism, i am thankful for the year 2008 is all that matters and God loves me. i am sorry i compared naija denzel with my dad or that i compare my mom with me, we look so alike its difficult to not imagine stuff! i am thankful that in 2008 i have grown that in 2009, i will treat people better both believers in christ and unbelievers. i will treat naija denzel better. i guess i was just living my life not planning to hurt other people but sometimes, it is impossible to live without affecting the people around you, so i guess you should make the choice to influence the people around you right in spite of the circumstances life had throw at you. at the age of 16, it was me who always said that your circumstances do not define you, so i am saying to me: you are greatness personified because christ in you the hope of glory and if any man is in christ, he is a new creature, old things are passed away and all things are made new. and i know the grace of God that though he was rich he became poor that i through his poverty might be made rich and the lord is my shepherd , i shall not want, and that oppression is far from us as the east is far from the west. where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty. next post: i think ill update on my life so far and then the dark years in unilag and how i found the light and how it all formed me and re-formed me into another person. NB: i was talking with someone briefly about my childhood and the person said something about me when i was a kid, and i was a little sad and then that was the highlight of my day because i had lost the little girl inside me who used to laugh and sing with abandon. she is gone. then i felt joy because it was the best time of my life to dance and play under the stars and to encourage and carry other people along. those are the best parts of me and if i can, i want to ressurect the part of me that took pleasure in life before "life happened. ok i really am a girl cos more weird things are happening. what was my conclusion when i woke up this christmas morning, before i became all moody a few minutes ago, it was that i loved him, money or no money, looks or no looks, even with some not so pretty habits, it just seems like everyone is throwing information at me and i am even going to risk me, he is the one that may actually get the chance to break my heart, i really hope this is not a game because you know guys and i fit the criteria for games like this cause i dont fall easily and love is important to me so even if i get him or not, all games are off, i choose to still say i love him even though i may get hurt. What won my heart? he has never looked at me like meat, you know that look, the one that says any girl is game as long as she has a face and a pair of boobs and ass. Hes never given me that funny look

i hate my office right now.

i think my boss is an over-achiever. i got a below average cos i could not get any adverts, all the interviews and my briefs and everything i did throughout the year was discounted like i was a common advertsing executive and not an media assistant and writer cum. what did annoy me was the fact that i felt i worked more than many of my colleagues that had a better appraisal. now what did that do to me? it demotivated me and reduced my love for my work. i am sad and dissappointed in what happened. i am an over-achiever but i like to ba appreciated and if not appreciated then be indifferent to me, what i absolutely cant tolerate is being put down especially when i am doing the best i can and busting my ass to produce results when no one has ever produced the results i did. if i do raise money and ened up doing my work excellently it will be becasue i want to prove that i can and not because of any threats however silent they may be. just got a laptop and so i will be having less stress and will do doing more writing. Thank God. i am about to become a much better writer. have not seen naija denzel in a while and love interest wahala is the last thing on my mind with job stress, i think i am just going to focus on my work for a while and just be friends. i love him, i love him not. i am sure that i like him though but like invisible said i have built walls that i myself cannot get over. so i guess thats it, i mean how do i go about breaking the ice without it seeming like i am giving him a green light to go on and ask me out. well, i think he is all those mature guys that will go like i know what i want and not want to spend time as friends... what am i saying? it sounds like crap, i guess i dont know what i want? end of post, i am going to let go and have lots of fun during christmas.

i offloaded my feelings so i could be light... and got insulted by teebay my blogville psychologist who wants me made over overnight, these things take time i tell myself. (but the other party usually does not see things this way). whatever! i was told i needed a coquette, and i quote 'to deal u sm blows, make u do stuff u neva done b4, make u open up n stuff' definition: a woman who flirts lightheartedly with men to win their admiration and affection; flirt. (i totally don't get this. a coquette is usually female, i need a female to deal me some blows and make do stuff like i have never done before, like make me open up and stuff) answer: i'd rather open up to a close friend of mine male or female, i tried once but then all my friends were exactly like me: stuck up and snobbish. i was hurt that she (fairlady) could not handle it and so i kept it to myself. i'd probably open up to the new friends i made a year later, but cos of the skeletons i had in my wardrobe, i was almost always on the surface. i made friends with really wonderful people then who helped me through ma issues without asking questions; they are still in my life today even if i don't get to see them often. i can call them up and its like we had never seperated. i love them so much and regret that i can't mention their names. My thanksgiving for the year they are xtians but not the up-in-your-face judgemnetal kind of christians we have today who nail you to cross and expect you to stay there. they just want you to consistently hold a scarlet letter to your head and be condemned. which is why i am glad i never gave up my unbeliever friend, i never could have made it wthout them. i thank God every day i met them or i might have committed suicide (yes! that disgusting word) they neverasked me any questions cos it was better that way for us all, i couldn't talk then anyway. ...and invisible my blogville hero came and commented on my post. i so dig invisible cos he's not afraid to criticize me and all. so invisible, will appreciate it if you comment on every article since you stopped commenting cos these past months have been a little crazy and i don't know if i have been making the right decisions. (i really appreciate your honesty, pls feel free to psychoanalyze me; i always do it to others in my head anyway, lol. so... i was thinking of leaving blogville and i have barely been here 3 months, wait let me check the exact time. okay check and i have been on blogville 7months and i have really enjoyed it. yes its been a lot of offloading of feelings that have held me back for a good many years. i am thankful for blogville, its been like my family that listens and loves me just the way i am. i love you guys on blogville and i have enjoyed getting to know you and yours and your life even though i can't see any of your faces and i love it just the way it is! i am always kidding myself that many pple on blogville sound like my friends on planet earth living in naija: i have few of them, the ones i have i trust. One of them is tying the knot soon. Surprised she waited this long, she's funny and bubbly and full of fun, will miss her but i am glad for her too cos i know this is what she wants. Ok, I realise that all of this so does not make sense so if you get it, you do; and if you don't get it, you don't i am blogging straight from my head and i want the feelings and stuff to come out exactly the way i am feeling it so, whatever! i am sorry (my dangerous alter-ego: shut up, you pple pleaser, its ur blog and you can do whatever you want with it) lol. So i am listening to James Morrison’s 'one last chance' and it’s like still loading so... i'll wait. I just finished listening to the other one em' "you give me something" 1st song and to be my honest romantic self, it's amazing! it speaks of letting go and finding out if naija-denzel has something to offer, perfectly logical conclusion. on the other hand, to be my cynical self (my cynical self is always around to save me from being too idealistic). many fools are always around to betray you if you trust them an inch and they'll justify their actions. ok my cynical self believes this is a nostalgic song to sing when you are blue. when you are sad and emotional. Conclusion: though it is a good thought, i have concluded that we are star-crossed lovers, never meant to be. i magine the things i believe. (i always considered myself an optimistic person, but right about now i am a downright pessimist. i will be happy with naija denzel when he finally hooks up with whichever princess he speaks, so i guess i am still optimistic, and i know i will find my prince) 2nd song having problems downloading it! downloaded after an hour and on a laptop again well the song is a nice one about a guy needing healing for his head will download both of them after i get my laptop this week then listen until i understand. nice music even though i don't know if it falls under inspirational or xtian music Finally, i am setting a wedding date for july 2010 and as from today i begin to work towards it. all my friends have been bugging me asking what i had been waiting for? could have married to 't' in 2005 but i just happened to not love him enough, never opened up to him, it was a crazy r/ship from the word go but i agreed to go ahead with it and ended up breaking up with t and affecting my perfect friendship with t (chic who introduced us). ibo boy! still like ibo boys bcos of t, had a perfect r/ship. problem: did not want to be a trophy wife, did not enjoy being a trophy g.friend, had all that money could buy but i did not see a future in it. so my wedding date is july 2010. H.spirit, help me keep a dates! i thought i could let this go but i need to ask, teebay (my self-proclaimed psychanalyst) what does this mean? like now i hold myself back from writin stuff dat'll make ur head pop :)! lol i don't understand, Defensive answer: (imagine you are talking to a pissed black american sister and her head is flying in all directions) next time when you feel like exrecising self control and not poping my head with stuff you write, be sure to send it to my inbox. address: tishasmith010@gmail.com, will read it sometime and send you a reply. this is my private space where i let go and blog my thots. it's meant to relax me and its serving its purpose. (here i get rid of all the hate and anger and the stuff that's bugging me and no on is getting me off blogger, at most i'll just delete this blog and start another cos i need it.) more pple have annoyed me today but i just won't blog about it they are just not worth it. their life's too boring so they are always focusing on someoneelse's life. meaning mine, how i hate to be in the spotlight, what can i do? i guess i'll just shine the way i know best.

...a christmas feeling.

i felt really bad yesterday, i am having the blues (invisible will never make a comment on my blog again since i have been whining over stupid stuff. i am smart but i feel so stupid right now cos i am treading in uncharted waters and i am paralyzed with fear (i guess!) i feel like a coward but i know i have got courage ok i will blame everything i write today on PMS cos it gets me emotional and acting unlike myself i am kinda scared to write about it but what the heck i will use it as a learning experience if any1 finds out about it and uses it as blackmail material well all through yesterday i was totally miserable and being in the presence of naijadenzel was like squeezing my insides and sending it through a grinder like the ones in street fighter i think i nearly passed out from the feelings i could not control (remind me to use this when i am writing my book, it will come in handy if good for nothing else at all) saw him earlier and he was surrounded by his fan club was jealous or not, i am not sure but i did not feel like ramming their heads into the wall so i guess i was not that jealous but what the heck i am the one who's being ignoring him so he deserves to live his life the way he wants it. the way that makes him happy, i mean am not one to have a dog in a manger attitude, i guess if he's happy, i'll be glad about it i am kinda of getting a stupid kinda of reputation that would make guys hate me before they meet me cos it appears/ or they interprete my responses as though i am proud but what can i do? i am just not a social animal; i think i could be quite reclusive if not for the job that i do yesterday, it was like God did not want me to bash my parents and their marriage, i don't hate them but i certainly don't want to be their de javu. i think i would commit suicide if i ever ended up with a replica of their life. 'perfect love casts out all fear' i think i just noticed a resemblance btw naijadenzel and my dad and i hate it. usually when i see any guy that looks like my dad i am pretty defensive and i turn nasty so they usually take to their heels but this feelings crept on me unawares and by then i kind of had a rapport with him so i set out to destroy the rapport and all i succeeded in doing was hurt me and him (maybe, you know guys) and make everything awkward. am i happy? i dunno! i got my way... but even sef God must have a reason for saying no and i have to be strong and not hurt me further (yes i am selfish) i need to look out for me. woke u this morning and was thinking about him, think about him at the oddest times! i think i am stupid and a psycho cos i know it mot likely will not succeed so why start? i would have loved to have had him as a friend and confidante but how do i even know i can be trusted. most of the stress i am going through comes from the fact that i can't talk things through at home, my younger ones can't stand him and don't want me to give him the time of the day. what about me i ask? well three months ago, i knew what i wanted, but today, i am not sure what i want but i know what i have to do and its sad but i guess i'll go on. cos its only God i can't do without and i won't do without it. Even though teebay says i will regret it in the future, i don't think so. i believe all things will work out for good. so my emotions are back under control cos am seeing ma lady in red, no more disgusting mood swings and unpredictable behavior. I know God will get me through this time. i still feel so stupid and strangely vulnerable, today i wanted to cry and then everyone at the office that could annoy me annoyed me and then i snapped and two people and then shut up before i did more damage, i feel like i am out of control and its not funny, i need my self-esteem back, i feel like everyone is stabbing at me with little knives and it is getting real crazy. u know what maybe i am paranoid, what i do know is that i need to stop thinking, face work, read a book, whatever will calm me down. jeez, i should be dramaqueen and not tisha. One thing i know for sure is that God loves me, I love me and my family love me and i can vouch for some of ma friends that they love me, its good enough for me, that is!

i refuse to judge you

judging other people is something i don't do and i am not planning to start judging others now. as an adolescent and a teenager, never judged people by the things they do, the way they dress or act and i will not be starting anytime soon i do not absolutely do not talk about people in a vindictive and damaging manner it makes a person very small in my eyes. i always would rather see from the point of view of the person wearing the painful shoes. when it comes to bad gal, rapists, murderers, wife beaters serail killers, stalkers, pimps and self righteous folks, loan sharks and participating passive observers i need the grace of God to not call them what they are i usually just out them in a mix and call that mix the world these are people bound to fulfill the devil's purpose by choice. i don't know why i always have this strong desire to change the world well, if Obama can, i guess i can too! besides God has said i can do all things At many ppoints i am at my wits end because the only way to change the world is by changing people and that has been one of my greatest challenges cos its a near impossible feat to accomplish why cos you can either influence people or not you can't force them i have been told that the only thing to do is to change myself i dare say that i am a world changer that is the only reason i can get up in the morning and keep moving because i know i can make a difference and change someone's life for the better my turf is in believing in people and being a team player if there is a team being accomplished to benefit other people, you can be sure to find me there i believe that God sent His son Jesus If you only know of the wildernesses and scary places he carried me through if you knew how He taught me to let go of my nightmares cos i couldn't sleep everyday for fear, vicious fear that tore at my insides and made my heart beat 200 times faster he is my hiding place and my rock and my sanctifier! i truly believe that in me lies the spirit of a champion one who never says die, whose spirit senses life and every single day i have the privilege of breathing in oxygen (His spirit) i will seize every opportunity that lies before me and do what will live beyond me. i choose to take a chance everyday on life and do something that changes another's world perspective, brings hope and leaves the world a better place i am tired of hearing of different kinda villains in the world i will rather be the hero that the world needs by doing things which proceeed from righteousness

He's dating someone else...

Well.

alls well that ends well thanks to this blog, i am not as hurt as i would have been if i did not have a blog well.

Thanks to blogville i am a-okay one of the binches tried to set me up but i am cool with it the other chic came at me like this is my property in my mind "i was like sister i am not interested" the bloke is so so shallow i wish i like put him through hell but its not worth it i would like to think i am more mature than that well, another love interest goes down the drain i have like two new ones on the line but they are sadly lacking in spirituality i wonder if i will ever find a man who listens to God like i do well.

With God, all things are possible 

 ...and i am willing to wait and maybe its because i am baby-faced and i look like a spring chicken but i don't think so i have always believed that whatever is worth doing is worth doing well so another application nearly suitable but not good enough and if you are wondering if it's not out of sour grapes i'll tell you that i have suffered enough from not listening when God speaks i'd just rather listen now ...and one of them is even in church the one who gave me the cheesy line of him being my destiny, talks real good the things that trip me (intelligence more than good looks) 

lol He's worth a trial, i am not attracted though so i want to see how much he wants me i'll seek him out and be his friend and if it doesn't work out, all good cos i'll have gained a friend who is not attracted to me or hating my guts or planning how to break me. 

One who loves me for me and does not want to date me and will not be offended if i tell him that i just want a good friend ... ...and do not want anything more than friendship least for now

My complete the question!

i adapted it from A gem princess I am...: going home soon, i need to shop My ex-boyfriend was...: sometimes controlling and uncaring about my dreams. Maybe I should....: Hang out with friends soon! I love....: reading novels I don't understand....: why I have to pretend to satisfy someone else's ego or pretend just to adapt to another person's fake way of living. I lost my....: cool yesterday night and made some cool decisions My current boyfriend is....: don't have one and the one i thought i would gel for is not as stuck u as me, he enjoys being disrespected by other people just to be popular, that's a turn-off People say I'm...: rude and independent Love is....: patient and kind, does not keep record of wrongs (love kind more!) Somewhere, someone is....: thinking about how much they love me and i have been wired to not reciprocate love so i have to learn just in case God has some dream man He is sending ma way. I will always...: thank God and trust Him. Forever is....: a nice word when you have your true love and every thing is perfect with your family but i choose to praise God. I never want to...: see the ugly side of people, God loves me, i know! I think the current President is....: non functional When I wake up in the morning, I....: i tell God i love u and whisper a prayer that everything will work out for good cos i love Him. Life is full of...:good stuff and excellent stuff that should be experienced My past is incredibly...: amazing and certainly risque, you can't say its not interesting I get annoyed when...: a trusted person acts out of order or does the pretend stuff. Parties are for...: chatting and being pretty wall flowers, sampling food (i am a size 8) (i prefer come chops) I wish...: I can find the man of my dreams (with lotsa money and a nice house and car, simple stuff right!)and get married and give birth to twin sons and a daughter and to work freelance and also a job i love! Tommorrow I'm going to...: go for the experience! I really want some....: chicken and chips with ketchp from a 5 star hotel in ikeja I have low tolerance for people who....: self-righteous and suffer from huge bouts of envy and gossip often. If I had a million dollars...: i would not buy shares, i'd start my business and open a home for abused women and children. i would also live in a 5 bedroom house with my cosy family and constantly be involved in charity.

This best describes me!

the chic who does not have it quite together this got me hooked on blogger.

i think its fading...

i think i am getting over him slowly i taught i was too old for crushes but it turns out i wasn't cos i don't know how else to describe something like this when you know it won't work out nd you still keep encouraging yourself to hope that it could no. 1 i hate several of his friends no.2 just because you are friends with someone does not mean you would want to spend the rest of your life with them no.3 i totally hate gutless guys but then to be honest. exactly what have i given him to work on? nothing! why? cos i can't see the future in this. no.4 its a total non issue cos God has not given his say-so in fact he's said not to go on. so why am i going on about it cos my mind wants to do something else and my body wants an entirely different thing (get your mind out of the gutter). that's old story. well so i have concluded on the issue. i am going to try to be friends since he's mature enough to not want to be enemies or is he? whatever i'll be friendly but keep the distance to mintain my sanity. i can do this and then work on operation, pick a boyfriend soon so there's no free space for any other available bloke to constantly be considering. i am pretty hot if i say so myself but no heart. i am not capable of eros love. crushes yes. love comes from trust and i don't trust any1 or have faith in any1 so until i am ready, i will just be playing games and hurting people and sometimes i can't help it. some of them will have so much ego and want to hurt me back, others will walk away and just say this babe has issues she hasn't worked through. just have to cope with it until i can learn to be open. i mean for like 2 yrs after that ugly incident, had no feelings at all, was glad when i started feeling a little after. took me another 2yrs b4 i got rid of the nightmares, had to get a boyf to get rid of the memories. i mean i am not going to be in a hurry for anybody or i'll just end up making some bloke miserable i will take my time walking and communicating with God 2 December 2008. Guess what happened this morning, the 'nuisiance' (he's annoying me now) came and told me hi, then went about paying attention to every other girl except me. i thought what the heck, who does this nigga think he is. i smiled but played it cool. you are so naive boy i thought to myself, you think i will fall for that stupid trick. i think i have seen every stupid 'guy trick' ever. talk to her friend and ignore her, laugh with every1 but her. he's trying to make me look stupid like he didn't/doesn't have the hots for me, well his ego must have suffered a knock-out and i don't care cos he's not loyal, he calls his friends three other females who have double-crossed me, hid my files, blackmail me, lie about me, generally be nasty to me all bcos of his skinny framework. i am fed up with a nigga who can't stand up and i will not tie myself to a coward and someone who is so easily manipulated, he pisses me off with his bootlicking. heard people from his tribe are extremely good at bootlicking. well i will not stand for it the nigga is fired or not? since he was never hired anyway. coward. pretending to be a gentleman and am not feminist if not i will demand that he stop all the opening of doors and acting all nice uggggggggggggggh!