i don't hate men o

i wrote a post last week and i was flabberwhelmed at the responses i got. well i ranted a little too much and blogfam came to the rescue as usual. thanks for the comments but i don't hate men, i know too many nice males to really do something as drastic as hate men. i was irritated by the comments of some malefolk who went ahead and spoilt my day by being thoughtless. i was a little depressed this past week, but i guess i am good now. thanks invisible for the advice, it made me wake up. i have not made a decision. i am tired of me self and so i am just taking things easy and bothering about the stuff that was making me disturbed. A friend is getting married and even though i am not considering walking down the aisle yet (sha lol, crazy right), i am not allergic to looking good and partying like a rock star. so come june, yours truly is planning to have a lot of fun. will also be going out a lot. this work will not kill my social life or enthusiasm for life. i am bigger than any obstacle that can come my way. come june, i will be wearing a sexy dress (i dare say so; decent sha) and watch this, black and silver heels. i hate heels but this friend of mine took me out and got me heels (so much for having trendy friends). g8. the only downside is that i will have hurting feet by night so someone yell in my ear that i should take some sandals as backup. A girl doesn't have to be sexy all the time. love you guys on blogger (really!) Peace

My most honest post in a long time...

I am scared for the first time in a long time...

This was supposed to be the title of my post but after i conquered fear by the power of the Holy Spirit, i swore (it is that bad?) i vowed not to give fear priority in my life because when i had been blogging in recent times, i kept skirting the important issues in my life. So since N.j, i have gotten involved with another young man and i was taking it slow so that i would be sure i wasn’t on the rebound. So i am enjoying Dee’s honest humor but i am not quite as eager as he is to walk down the aisle and i am a gal o! I like him a lot cos its easier to understand him. so i have these issues. I believe that apart from the regular sociopaths and serial rapists and killer and ritual killers and basically psychos- i believed that other folks were basically normal, now these male folk at my office set out to convince me that every guy is a monster because that is the description i got from what they told me...

So this is how my morning started... (You’ll say what a bad way to start a morning when you finish. Hey guys, for the folks on Blogville who wonder, i am good. I am basically back to my logical self but part of the irrepressible romantic side of me is on display on the weekends but for the weekdays, its all logic. Don’t blame me, they said i would not understand the Holy Ghost with all the logic in the world. So i let go on the weekends, i am more me on the weekend. Weekdays, i wear a facade!)

So i refused to get close to my beau cos i was scared and i wasn’t sure if i could trust that he wasn’t some serial rapist or murderer or someone who just wanted my body and so i kept pushing to keep everything on a friendship level. He asked me to come and help him move into his house at the end of April and i eased out of it with my usual slippery ways, i was slippery as an eel. 

He told me all he wanted was a serious r/ship and that we could get married early next year as i had planned initially and i just did not want to think about it. I have a commitment phobia. If i were a guy, i would not take the trash i give from me? i would walk away and so i don’t know if i am expecting him to walk away or not, i sha respect the persistence of some guys sha. But that is why they can always be quite nasty and harsh on gals because of all the rejection they have had to receive from many gals in their lifetime before finding the one. How do you know that a person is “the one” by the way? 

I have tried to stop this fear thing but i cannot do it on my own. I cannot help myself, i need God’s help and i need to limit the number of guys asking me out too. I should be flattered but i am not, i just think that they are giving me stress. I always hate myself or subconsciously think i am loose when many guys are asking me out, like i am not good enough. I don’t know why i am having an identity crisis at theis moment but i know that “this too will pass” What is it about me that has changed, i didn’t have to try too hard to scare them away usually. I am almost fed up with the unnecessary attention.

I feel like i am losing him and i am hurt that i am frozen but i am also kinda i don’t care because i am scared to ever belong to anyone and lose myself. I am fighting it with everything i have. He says he likes me and i cannot respond the way i would want to because i don’t know how i feel and also i know that if i even whisper yes, i will just blink and see myself at the altar and i am scared of ever sharing living space with another human. I am more scared because God is still speaking but i am no longer hearing him like i could and i don’t know what i am doing wrong. I am terrified and i can’t even stop myself. I am still mediating on my fear False Evidence Appearing Real scriptures but not as often as i would like.

So now i am in between two guys; yes i still like Naija Denzel just don’t know if i know him well enough and what God is saying too. So if he is silent on both of them does that mean that it is someone else? I don’t know if this is fair, i know Naija Denzel, faults and all, but for now all i know about Dee are his good qualities and the plans (castles on the air) he has for us. He has a good job and all but when ever has it ever been about money for a chic like me? All my life (b4 the watershed event and after) i have been surrounded by guys who lived to please me, good car, good job, desire for a beautiful wife and all that. They always put on a good show and i was never impressed i always wanted them to keep it coming and now it’s all empty, i want more and i am not sure what i want. Its more than that, i want a guy who has all the works and loves the H.G as much as me, that is the fight i have with Dee, i just won’t do without the Holy Ghost.

Someone i should respect today kept saying annoying things with another guy; how that a guy can never be friends with another gal and that the guy was only timing a gal who thought she was only friends with. That he was pretending and i tried to tell them saying that there are exceptions but they kept at me saying that they are guys and they know; that all a guy ever wanted from a gal was sex. So how do they expect me to believe that? How do i get married, choose one of the guy who wants me solely for sex and then marry him. Therefore, all the guys that have ever been my friend or are my friends just want sex and so i should be wary of these sex-hunting guys. That my husband, his brothers and his friends all want sex from me, so i should spend the rest of my life being careful around them cos when they see a woman, all that is on their mind is sex, no matter who the woman is. Therefore, in the mind of every guy i meet, i am just an object. i refuse to believe that. their minds are just wacked and uninitaited, unrenewed. They are still living their worldly life in Christ, lol

I refuse to believe that my brother (whom i love dearly) and my cousins and my friends (all the guys i know and love even though i may only be able to count them on one hand) are just waiting for the day they would jump me or some other gal and do like Amnon did to Tamar. (like a scene out of a bad horror movie). It would mean that as bad as this world is, as much as it is sometimes depressing for me that there were even worse things that none of the guys were planning to be role models. They were happy to just keep obeying their flesh and the enemy and that would be a very sad thing in deed. I refuse to believe that things can’t get better. I refuse to have any female children if that is the way the world is. I refuse to live in fear that just because you are beautiful, some idiot somewhere can decide to make you an object and not a living breathing human being, i refuse to believe that people are not willing to fight negative traits in their life. I have the spirit of a fighter. Any obstacle that comes my way better think twice cos i don’t give up a battle until i have won. I may be exhausted physically and emotionally but spiritually i am aware that all of heaven backs me when i fight a cause that God cares about. I know that i can move mountains with my mustard seed faith.

So i started May 11 as a disgusting day with disgusting guys talking about men taking advantage of gals because they just can’t control their sexual desires (but they do just fine when they see a naked mad woman on the road) and people having sex with their pets and other depraved things. What hurt most was that this was the mind of a man of the cloth speaking. How dare he? I had to ask God for forgiveness after because i can’t fight authority if i want the angels to recognize me, i can’t fight my parents authority or my spiritual leaders authority (wow). I have to be meek and lowly not subservient though just service oriented. I was so upset i ran out, i think they were trying to scare me. its complicated with me, things are always complicated with me, never ordinary. The driver, the man of the cloth, the wannabe X-tian and other things all concluded that it was lust because they could not understand it. I understand why they think that way, all of them who said rubbish, which is that that is the only life they have ever known. They are coarse and raw and disgusting, the kind of guys i would never communicate with on a good day. Lust Hmmm! The sound of that word sends chills down my spine. Another said a guy could spend 2 years bidding his time with a gal just to get her into bed. What kind of disgusting guy would do that just for sex, out from under what slimy rock somewhere in the jungles of Somalia did he crawl?

Honestly, what if all N.j feels/felt for me is L.U.S.T – a very dirty word, i would just die of heartbreak but on a less dramatic note, he would be just like other guys. Seems like i am having a yucky day today, i just feel that all the male-folk around are giving me a once-over, i feel like staying in my office and never coming out. I just banged the door to my office loudly and i never do that. i am feeling exactly the way i felt when that stuff happened and i know i cannot afford to have a nervous breakdown at this time. All my support team either are out of the country, married or busy working. I guess i am just going to have to depend on God alone cos i cant trust anyone, i feel as if i am in a tight tiny whole in the ground and that it is covering me. i don’t need my self esteem to take a nose-dive. Ehen! Let me say this, at this moment, if you say i am pretty, i frown; but if you say i am smart and intelligent, i smile, i concluded that i would rather be a mind than a body that is admired like a sculptor. I would rather be just human, which is why i like n.j breathlessly and why i like Dee and my best male buddy at the university. So did he want sex too? Those guys have got to be wrong, not every guy is like them and from today i am going to avoid talking to them.

edited some stuff, so this may appear confusing, bear with me, i am not ready to share all but there is a surprise on the way. a good one sha 

Whatever happens, i know that God is leading me and that i am safe in His hands. I realize that safety is not a function of there being nice people around but that safety is a function of your location in Christ. 

I am hid in Christ Jesus and Christ in God.  

God is in control of my life and He may be speaking and i may not be hearing but i am confident in Him.

hi everyone (i am still trying to be honest)

i dobbed penelope

• ...so i dobbed this from penelope's blog.
• the instructions go thus:
• *Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.

*They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. *You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question. * Dont google ur answers. *Make it as interesting and fun as you can.

1. What is your name: Tisha  

2. A four Letter Word: Trip  

3. A boy's Name: troy 

4. A girl's Name: teri  

5. An occupation:Travel agent 

 6. A color: teal  

7. Something you'll wear: tops any color 

9. A food: toast bread (all good still)  

10. Something found in the bathroom: tool kit for makeup and the like (gal y'll know what i am talking about)  

11. A place: Tigris (i don't know the place but i know its exotic and close to Israel)  

12. A reason for being late: Taking time out to gist with my sistas about them boys and their never giving up. (its fun being a gal) 

13. Something you'd shout:! The president of the US always made me shout last year, this year, its getting rhema from God. It comes with a full throated shout and my voice is very tiny o!  

14. A movie title: The Pelican brief  

15. Something you drink: Tantalizing cocktail (i only take it if i have to, i am addicted to fanta)  

16. A musical group: The goo goo dolls  

17. An animal: Tolo tolo (lol)  

18. A street name: Travellers Road, wherever 

19. A type of car: Toyota Camry 2009  

20. The title of a song: Too hot to handle  

So that was really difficult but i heard somewhere that its good to task your brain so ... So thanks invisible for giving me your ear will be mailing you soon. having fun with my beau on the weekends though. i have some questions for you though, will mail you soon.  

To my folks on Blogville i love you guys because i can. My goal for the month is to walk in love and i have had many challenges but i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me Peace!

My new beau!

Invisble will say i am in a rush. i guess i will say same too. i am actually slower than the tortise when it comes to stuffs like this. so i had the chance to blog and i decided to talk about the new guy and it is not a movie. i actually hate that this is not flowing but i guess since i cant transfer it from wh i now blog (irritating right!) on my lap top, you guys will have to make do with this. so i met t this guy and after all the stress i went through this last few weeks, all i wanted was friendship from guys and to the ladies. sorry not accepting applications to be close friends so right now i am on the surface with many people. so opening up to this my friend has not backfired. at least i pray it won't. He's tall, dark and good looking. He is smart, intelligent and interesting and he's also safe, i know i can hurt him easily which is why i have to tread carefully. He asked me how i felt yesterday and i said honestly that i had no deep feelings for him. To me, we were good friends and we could be more as per confiding in one another. he is all those computer guys. The 'funky nerd'. There is a difference btw geeks and nerds: geeks are the ones you would say hi nicely to but never consider dating while the nerds are the ones who are tongue-tied on the outside but speak really well on the inside. Okay so i am not in-love with him and its all good because ii can just generally hang-out and have good clean fun with him if he lets me.

found out something else. a friend of my sister was molested by two of her fathers brothers and b4 you say it was her fault, it was btw the ages of 6-10 years, i don't care whose fault it was, i ust pray the Holy spirit does something for her soon because HE is the only one that can. I used to feel she was so rude now i don't care that she was. thinking about starting a newsletter for helping females like me soon and then females in situations that feel like they wi.ll never get better. It just goes to show that when you know some stuff abt people you understand them better. but if she is rude again, i will kick her butt, not cat fight sha. so waiting to see if my beau will call tonight.

as cynic will say, the games are about to start. where is invisible o. come and become my r/ship adviser. i will keep it on a friendship level till i get to know him well enough but i won't be a baby about this. i don't want to be too fast but i expect to be getting good messages soon.

honest i wrote a nicer one in the morning when it was still fresh from my head, if i get a flash drive i'll add the real one.

miss u guys, i am going blog stalking like funkola. thanks chari for stopping by. How's burra...cup

Okay i told myself i will blog today

Enough of running away from blogger. i told myself i will blog today. i am not sure if i have missed blogger award or not. there are many pple who i love and appreciate on blogger and would love to. first of all i was interrupted by my b bro and so could not blog, for everyone who was offended, i apologise. To tee, and dante and chari and funkola and fashinga, so so sorry. i will make this worthwhile. to think you still check on my blog even though i took a long sabbatical. okay so let me talk about wh the story ended last year. i swore i would never blog about naija denzel but i put myself on a regimen and if i don't, it would make the event seem of some importance to me. first of all, i want to say that i grew emotionally and spiritually and socially and i learnt that i am much stronger than i thought or rather that God loves me too darn much He gave and He spoke and i listened... (story for another day) So i finally got closure, i am not sure exactly when it happened. all i know is that like we all know when there is anything emotional in an office setting, things often get difficult and they got really difficult for me. So by now you all know that i am not dating him but what you did not know till now is that he's been dating another gal that he was also let me use the word shadowing, the chic i wrote about in earlier posts that eyes me when she sees me. I should have been upset but i at the ripe old age of 20+ know that guys usually do not ask only one gal out. so i took it in stride. I am blogging about it now because i finally got closure a few weeks back and i am convicted about what i did being the right thing. I was unlike me for a while and mainly because i could not blog about it so all the emotions were locked up inside moi. I really wished i was a guy for a short time but i came to my senses fast. I would not give up fashion and feminine wiles for anything. imagine the wedges and capris and body hugging t-shirts i'd miss wearing. not to appear too shallow but a gal's gotta be shallow a bit. So i adapted and its the end of this story but new ones will be coming up soon.

okay so i saw buttercup's message that i ....

...got tagged so folks i am back and i have worked out something. what is best for moi. so i guess i'll go on and do the tag but only after i say a big thank you to everyone who visited my blog and encouraged me. you guys at blogville are the best.
I don't know what i would do without you. tear!

  Q & A.

where is your cell phone?

Its upstairs, my cell phone is never really glued to my side.

where is your significant other?
He's in naija too


 Hair color?
brown. my relaxer makes it black, and when i carry a weave, its color 30 shades off blonde and amazingly it fits moi.

your mother? i thought we got along but she has changed so much i really do not know but i love her anyway.

 your father? with all his negative traits, many times he surprises me with his kindness. i am glad God blessed me with a funny dad. He tells really good stories, you will be captivated.


your favorite thing? gadgets, but i love denim, it has a way of hugging moi and just making moi look good. i would rather wear cotton anyday except its a dress.

your dream last night? it was really weird. for some funny reason i cannot remember it presently

your dream/goal? To own a Magazine that is hugely successful

the room you're in? At the office in a tiny cubicle downstairs 


 Your hobby? Reading music and watching movies.

 where do you want to be in 6 years? Healthy and in God's will. Hugely successful and somehow affecting the lives of other females.

 where were you last night? I got home late from work but woke up at night (an annoying habit i will not drop) to watch Smallville 7 with my siblings.

what you're not? Loud, overbearing or rude, i don't gossip either (the baddest habit on planet earth)

one of your wish list items? 2009 Toyota Camry, a house, 10 million naira and all of God's best. the list is inexhaustible right. i sound like a 9 year old let loose in a candy store but you asked right! lol

where you grew up? In Lagos, Nigeria.

the last thing you did? i tried to fill in something important online its not going so i'll try again at night or early in the morning.

what are you wearing? Black and grey, skirts and blazer with camisole in it and accessories.

your tv? In the sitting room.

your pet? none, i like puppies but not dogs.

your computer? On a flat surface.

 your mood? A little high, i get high on the Holy Ghost, i just keep feeling a shout on my inside.

 missing someone? not today, months and exactly 3 years ago. now, my feeling are totally under control. Huh!

 your car? don't have one yet, amazing right!

 something you're not wearing? my shoes. they are these pretty wedgies, elegant and all but they hurt my feet after a while, i only wear them to impress. I look really great on them too.

  favorite store? The chocolate store close to my house.

 your summer? i did not have any holidays during the summer, it was hot in naija though if you want to know.


love someone? Yes o How could i not?

 your favorite color? Blue

 when is the last time you laughed? I have been doing blog rounds so what are the chances that i have been laughing for the last few hours. yes yes, you got it.

 last time you cried? 2 wks ago. i was frustrated and stressed out and angry not counting the time when it is silent tears, if its that then it was 5 days ago.

 are you a b*tch? No. i am a nice and really sweet gal. i can be really tough though for anyone who wants to see the other side of me.

 favorite past time? Daydreaming.. i did that last night. lol It is a picture of your goal and where you are going!

 are you a hater or a lover? I am a lover, i can never hate, can't stand the animosity.

 are you genuine or fake? I am totally original.

 any vices? My inability to forgive easily.. but i am learning and i am pretty secretive mccain or obama? Obama! definitely. Who asked this question?

 pro plastic or natural? i am of the opinion that "you can buy your hair if it won't grow " especially if you look really good on a weave. hardly ever go natural.

 dream job? To write and write and write for a living and make money so much it would be considered suspicious I hereby tag olufunke, aloofar, irrepressible romantic, vera and invisible see you folks soon. i look really good right now, so which i could upload a pic. but i am anonymous, i have been giving me a lot of tlc ciao!

i thought i could post something...

i just cannot write anything on this blog right now. i am alive and okay but there is something inside me i need to sort out. emotionally i am at a blank. i need to make sure my work does not suffer.

... God did it.

and Jesus said "tisha come forth". this is how i survived the past week. had malaria. the last time i had malaria was like august2005. i was a big pain in the behind to everybody. was having nightmares and ish'. miss mz.dee, hope she is having fun iin canada though. now mz.dee has a life, we on blogville will have no more heartbreaker gist. my chi says "grow up". i rediscovered my chi this past weekend. my chi said tisha you have much to live for hold on, the whole world doesn't want to hurt you, you are just having anxiety attacks. my mind says focus, you have work to do, you used to be more objective and productive than this. this harmattan is getting on my nerves. ok i have been round all the blogs. saw naija denzel around and i am not sure how to relate to him. i want to be polite but have sneaky feeling that i sound snappy when i talk to him instead of nice and indifferent. i dont feel anything again for him, i think! i am still too woozy and spaced out from being ill. what was the goal in the first place of even starting any form of interaction with him. i am sitting here thinking i am a crazy chic and unlike anyone else on these earth. meanwhile, in my office, instead of bringing out my real personality i am trying to pretend like everyone else. i cant. for long periods anyway! so i just wanted to update because everyone else whose blog i went to updated too. no real gist. i wanted to say thanks to everyone that commented on my last post. chairlady is going private co s of some stupid gossip girl naija site, i think she is juvenile and did not bother to comment. if you know the trauma i have been through cos of gossips, you will know i do not fancy gossips; will not be friends with someone with a habit of gossiping, we will just not get along. teebay was speechless, now he is pissed, folks who have been reading my posts all through last year, yell in his ear that i am incapable of love. only invisible (blogville big brother still has hope for moi), Deola sweetie that she is, is an irrepressible romantic and wants things to work out, she reminds me of moi. XSN, i could not make it, apart from the fact that i was ill, i want to maintain my anonymity. have you heard about chari and buttercup, blogville couple, they hooked up, read charis poem, he almost made me a believer in-love, so sweet, see you guys next week. some banker guy told me how much he cared about me during the week and how that .... blah blah blah (stupid feelings again intruding, why is the whole world daft and retarded when it comes to love?), i was so numb, could not even feel anything. He sounded stupid to me. we were friends last year but he just went and spoilt everything. as far as i am concerned, i do not know him, do not love him, dont care. crazy dolt! these are the kind of people who spoil your day cos they lack timing.

to hell with the stalkers trying to get me off fb n blogville...

so i went off blogville for 12 hrs and i felt like my baby died i am so not giving up blogville i had to go round adding people's email addy and then mailing and requesting for them before i could add them and many folks began emailing me on FB that they needed a password to get on my blog i felt terrible and i released my blog again so folks i am being stalked on blogville and i may soon go off again and become private so if you are interested in having access leave me your email address when you make a comment. i went a little crazy between september and december and if you read my posts during that time you will find out that i was in-love with the idea of love and today i was accused of lusting i only wish i actually lusted so it woke me up and i am over naija denzel. i met a bloke recently who i can have all the crazy feelings for and not be insulted (i can hear invisible on the background telling me to slow down) i am moving at snail's pace. major challenge: distance. i will date him if he asks if not, i will be okay as just friends. He has read my blog and he loves it whatever, i have received too many insults and its about time i said good bye. i am pretty angry and could say nasty things but no it is not worth the anger i could spend on it i will learn something from it even though i am still waiting for what it is i will say i learnt it was just a waste of 5 good months of my life but that was what my dream was saying then i am just too deaf to listen sometimes. so to all the folks who gave me sound advice thanks to the folks i listened to, you must be thrilled to the folks i did not listen to. its not your fault, all you can do is dole out the advice i still make the final decisions. so i love blogville and like mz.dee who has been found out again (why can't folks mind their business) i am staying on in blogville no nosy, gossipy stalker can force me out of blogville. i nearly deleted my blog today, instead i made it private and then i made it open again. Blogville is my own world where i can be real and i will guard it with all i have got. Happy New Year!

surprise at work retreat!

okay! The decision has been taken out of my hands. First of all my job is important to me at least for the next three months and then if i don't impress my boss, i have to start thinking about what i should do next. ok stupid of me to think that i could trust any one's word. After all, the chic before me did not trust my boss's word so i should be asking myself why i did. It is because every one else is realistic but i am idealistic. One of my friend's in college once said i should be living in Jand that i am too good for Nigeria, i guess i did not quite understand what he meant. i am just too naive for my own good. well, forget about that heavy stuff, i'll deal with it and let you know how it went. so as our staff training program for the year, we went to a hotel that is supposed to be 5-star. let me let down my standards a bit and say that it passed muster. it was ok, i am not a swimming kinda gal so i did not go swimming. many folks did though including the chic who wants my job and the man she thinks is mine. Naija denzel the star of the last quarter of 2008 and starting line-up of 2009. o how i wish it was 2, 3, 4 or 6 guys after me at once. God forbid, i'd just break down from the stress. I am glad with the close friends i have and not toasters. Toasters come with their own brand of wahala! Anyhow let's call my roommates, Joy and Vashti. Anyhow, i isolated them, spoke to them only when i had to and all that. They are younger than me by the way and i should receive a measure of respect. anyway, day 1 i listen to Jaci Velaquez on my laptop with ear phones (no writing, i was on break!), play games and just call my best.f on the phone to get updates on whats up. Joy and vashti: i walk in on them doing what gals do best; gossiping. i walked into the room and their conversation does not have a continuation. i swallow my anger and just play polite. talk about the remote control and whatnots. Guess what? Joy, who is so into naija denzel is sending me anger vibes, i still don't know why? she is talking to me in a nice way but her eyes are spitting fire. then she starts trying to convince me to go to the pool with her. I overhead my three binches from an earlier post say that naija denzel was going to be at the pool. since swimming is not my thing and i want to avoid as much drama as possible, i politely decline thinking 'let me leave the road clear for her'. she has several people backing and as much as she has been bitchy to me, i think she deserves to be happy. well, the next day after a very dry dinner the night b4 where i had to watch naija denzel and Joy drooling over each other. i guess my manners just kicked in and i set out to eat myself in. i ate all kinds of dishes, i thought my tummy would complain, amazingly it did not. Joy drank the bottle of brandy they brought to the room all on her own. blah! anyway the next day, i set out the clothes i'll be wearing for the day, walk into the shower, take a bath and my pant is missing. my black lacy y strings that big gals wear or so a friend told me and guess who the culprits are! i search every where and then queen vashti comes at me saying i took all the goodies in the bathroom: by this, she means the shampoo and cream. this is after Joy tells me she has no body cream and i give it to her considering that i have a large jar of body cream. i look at them both in amazement and then out of nowhere, Joy goes like i am an into-myself person, that i don't talk to anyone except my best.f on the phone and that once i have my laptop, i am satified and i am wondering where do these little gossips get off criticizing me. it is at this moment i find out it is a set-up. after the petty fight, i apologise first, can you imagine stuck up ol' me. these gals should have met me back in the days, i could have given them something to think about. but i guess my prayer is working. i just kept telling myself that 'love them, love these crazy lunatics'. They made nasty comments all through our stay together and then had the guts to tell me that i had no care for them. people of these world amazing!

okay... 2009 is good.

i am having challenges all round and by His grace i will overcome bacause i am more than a conqueror it may sound strange but my power is in my tongue all the crazy folks in my office. They are simply amazing They inspire me to maintain the mystery around me cos i prefer to trust unbelievers than them

It's a new year and my heart has broken all without me doing anything about the situations at hand. It's time i grew up and took responsibility for every part of me. I have acted as though i did not have feelings and it used to be a strength but this past year, it turned out to be a weakness. It's just another reason why i need God, it helped me understand again what it is to be interdependent on other people. I have come to understand this past month that you can make your weakness your strength. So i have made a decision that i will do nothing about my love for naijadenzel. He's moved on already and i am cool with it. In my life, he will be known as "my knight in shining armour" and in further blogposts i will refer to him as such if ever i talk about him. I don't hate him. i am numb and indifferent but i have the spirit of God so i know i am on my way to increasing and improving and becoming a better me (smile!). I refuse any negativity this year. I am always at my best when i am not involved in any fights or gossip issues or anger issues so i forgive everyone this year before they even offend me. So i admitted that i loved naijadenzel and i decided i was not going to do anything about it because there were already two other females in the running who were more interested in making him happy so i opted out because 1. i have issues i am dealing with now that i need to give all my attention and 2. (He just passed me right now and i am amazed at him, how can he not get angry at my idiosyncrasies or he is just bidding his time before he shows me for my little stress or he doesn't even care, whatever! i have a pretty high opinion of myself so i'd just brush it off) i need to think about other people in life when making decisions. It's easier dealing with being around him because i have made a decision so no more anxiety. It's refreshing to be able to admit stuff to yourself and just deal with it than living in denial. i feel like screaming that i have grown up (lol). It was me who said at 13 that i wanted to remain a child forever that i never wanted to grow up or grow old. i feel glad and nostalgic at the same time, i am 27, it seems old but when i look in the mirror, i still look and feel 16 (i can hear you saying 'story', i said when i look in the mirror right!) well, like i said i have a lot, i had a lot of laughs last year, renewed old friendships and realised that a lot of my friends still had my back. i love my friends a lot and i appreciate all the stress they went to being a friend to me and good ones too. After knowing them i have had the privilege of also meeting nasty, vindictive, unforgiving and friendly on the surface people. The time you spend with them is always tense and stress inducing cos i can't trust that they mean what they say, they are two-faced, they say one thing and mean another, they back-bite and back-stab and take part in all the corporate mumbo jumbo. if they say i love you, i cant believe them. Some good has come out of this, it has made me appreciate the friends i had previously and regret the times when i took their sincerity and great attitude for granted. It has made me grow strong, how? in my dependence on God. Many times when they had planned one of their corporate set-ups, it was the "the still small voice" (my current phone profile) that had alerted me and told me when to shut up and when to speak out and nudged me to do stuff that kept me in line. He's taught me spiritual authority and loving my dad irrespective of who he is. Loving without the emotions right now but at least i pray for him that he'll received salvation. my dad sowed a seed of an undisclosed amount in his church (yes he goes to church). i never knew i could be glad like Joyce Meyer of any little spiritual improvement that came into his life. My pastor and a book i read taught me to not expect anything order than my father bringing me into the world. Michael Hosea said he was happy his father brought him into the earth and i could not understand it. How could he not be angry at what his father had done to him and he said something so profound that in this world we have little control over anything except how we think and how we live. i nearly burst into tears because i am a control freak and i love to control absolutely every thing. I went to see my publisher yesterday and i am afraid he may be starting to have feelings for me. I don't want that because i am really comfortable with him and i want a haven. My other publisher is married so no danger there. I handle everyone else because they don't have control directly over my job. all's well right now, i'll be checking in soon.

Happy New Year to all bloggers, i love you guys and Blogville that brought us together... Okay. Stop! I keep tearing myself down and i need to stop. i was thinking just this afternoon, 2 days to 2009 and i was like i had cooperated with other folks in helping to blow my self-esteem to shreds. i remember when i started building me up and my college pastor said i deserved the best and at the time i was no-good, at least to myself. (humph!) That day i promised to be my no.1 cheerleader and now i found myself breaking that rule and i needed to stop! what showed me this? let me just say as the year was coming to a close and another year starting, i saw no reason why i could not ask for God's help concerning the coming year. I need new flows of income and i need insight into the new year. Why walk like an ordinary man when i can use`the supernatural powers i possess. Today i called myself 'wonder woman' while fetching water with my siblings . (lol- laugh out loud) Its a day to xmas and right now, i can feel the H.ghost flowing through me and i wonder what he wants me to do. i think (i actually stopped and prayed in tongues and in my understanding). ok this year i choose to walk supernatural in spite of the issues i may see now, i say that this is my year of walking in the supernatural constantly. I choose to build myself up with my words and to choose which thoughts to think (only thoughts that build me up). I choose to take responsibility for my actions and to generally be a better person. i am more aware of the presence of God now more than ever (hope it stays this way all through the year). For this first three months, i may not see it all clearly but i speak and say that i am supernaturally favored and supernaturally directed this year. After all i am indeed crossing into 2009 in aproximately 7hrs and for the first time since december started, i am excited about something great. So time for some truths to myself: i am beautiful, not just beautiful but fearfully and wonderfully made by God, blessed, not just for myself but to be a blessing to myself and to my world. I am excellent in all things, walking in-love, speaking and my talk is seasoned with grace. I am kind and sensitive, as wise as a serpent (Hmmm!) and as gentle as a dove. I am peaceable, just, growing in the wisdom of God This is not just a new year resolution , it is a prophesy. I reckon myself dead indeed unto sin but alive unto God. What am i going to do about naijadenzel. I think things have sorted themselves out and i am just going to be friends. In spite of the fact that i love him, i won't deny that, he is lovable and just too good to be true. In real life, things that too good to be true are just that but in God's Kingdom, things that are too good to be true are just the hand of God. so what am i saying? I am happy for him and i hope he is happy too. (i am sorry, invisible, i'll mail you later!) In the spirit of the new year, let me end this with my favorite verse from school days when i was still building up (i plan to dedicate tuesdays to building up myself in the word and mondays and friday for blogging) 2pet1: 5-9 The Living Bible (Paraphrased) 5; But to obtain these gifts [Peter was speaking of God giving us ALL that we need for life and Godliness (moi)], you need more than faith; you must also work hard to be good, and even that is not enough. For then you must learn to know God better and discover what he wants you to do. okay, i was pretty okay with having faith and striving to be good and project the nature of righteousness, i ahd been given, i mean why would i not want to please a wonderful God like mine! He is just totally amazing! 6; Next, you must learn to put aside your own desires so that you will become patient and godly, gladly letting God have His way with you putting aside my own desires, a little difficult but i mastered them. Why? cos i loved God that's why! becoming patient and godly, absolutely difficult, it is wonderful when you have mastered patience, letting God have His way with moi was a bit more difficult cos as a youngster, i was pretty strong willed and knew what to do to get my way. I could always be logical and swing people in my direction no matter what! so giving in to God was like handing over control to someone else. How are you sure they will do what is best for you? I trusted God and handed over. Still trust God now and then, i am working on it! 7; This will make possible the next step, which is for you to enjoy other people and to like them, and finally you will grow to love them deeply. Now, here's the difficult part, i enjoy some people and some others i dont enjoy. just think about the faults of other people, disloyalty, lies, bitching, back stabbing, back biting, gossiping, cussing, betrayers extraordinaire, jealous folks, nasty folks; imagine all this ugly stuff and God expects me to 'enjoy other people and grow to love them deeply'. I am like "story" how does God expect me to do this? when i can't keep pretending for long hours. i have the people i love and the folks i tolerate and then the folks that don't exist. yes! that's what i think. Why do i have to do this i am yelling? I know God did all this for me but meen if i don't love other folks, i'd be hurting God. Guess what? i want to say God that's blackmail, then i remember the benefits of keeping God's word and i slid down the greatest idol in my life. It's not money, fame, good looks, guys or a car or a house. It's moi and i have to keep my flesh in control so i say Lord i'll try after all i call you Lord so i choose to obey. 8; The more you go on this way, the more you will grow strong spiritually and become fruitful and useful to our Lord Jesus Christ. I want to grow strong spiritually and be fruitful to my savior Jesus. I want to use the spirit of wisdom (to know what will happen in the future, and i already walk in it some but not sharp enough) and knowledge (to know the stuff that has happened in people's life without them telling moi), discernment of spirits (to know if a person is good or bad; i already know, would love it to be sharper though), gifts of healing (to heal the hurting, both emotional and physical;it's all got to do with the Holy Spirit ) and miracles (walk on water or float on the air or dissappear ), to be like Jesus. NB: all these gifts are in order to edify the church and not so you would entertain yourself. that is to build up the church. i feel guilty that i don't pray as often as i should and i would try to change that. (maybe 15 mins every morning) 9; But anyone who fails to go after these additions to faith is blind indeed, or at least very short sighted, and has forgotten that God delivered him from the old life of sin so that now he can live a strong good life for the Lord. and since i am not blind, i must do all of this... wow this seems like an adventure This is who i am in the presence of God. I am strong and have a good heart and i dont care when others wrong me but in the flesh, i am pretty vengeful. i just want to be more like God. If i were more like Him everyday, wouldn't the world be a better place indeed? To my fellow bloggers, plan your year for 2009, i am planning my first and second quarter right now! Happy New Year.

POST 1 well, so what happened? i tried to send him the green light or whatever it is we do nowadays and what was his response? A cold polite hi! like i am stupid or something. It's not his fault, it's my fault for convincing myself that i am in-love wiith him. Is it even worth it? Now that i think about things more clearly, he has at least half a dozen girls convinced that they feel something for him and maybe i am just one of the many confused girls who is just part of the game to boost his ego. i may tell myself i am in-love with him but it does not mean i cannot do without him. It bites me to think i am just an ego booster. i feel as if my heart is broken but then i gave him the permission right and i was warned. i know right now i come across as paranoid and confused possibly hurt but to the folks who previously thought i was logical, smart and practical, i am sorry to dissappoint you. i am just human like the rest of the folks on planet earth. i was seething in silent anger. Guess what? i may be paranoid but i have a funny feeling that someone who knows me has access to my blog and instead of waiting for some anonymous folk to get me off blogville like they did... was it sting or 36, i am not so sure now. well, i kinda can read faces and he was with this other girl who i admit is hot but i absolutely did not like her the first time i met her, you know when girls just ooze 'hate vibes' . she used to size me up anytime she saw me and i just blanked her out. Of all the chics he tried to use to make me jealous, she was the one that annoyed me the most. i guess if he's happy, i'll let him go, like i have not already, i may seem really melodramatic but i hate how i got involved in this stupid game cos when i look at it now, it's like a stupid game to get me to look stupid which is exactly the reason why i don't do office romance, the girl comes out looking stupid and suddenly there's rumors of how the girl was trippin' and all that. If he loves her, he should find a way to let me know. i never wanted to be involved in all this. i thought i had it covered and now i need a new job a.s.a.p. my office has always been uncomfortable and now it is more so but before that, i need some damage control. i need to take control of the whole situation. I would hate to think that he never even liked me in the first place and that it was all a game from the beginning cos then the really great guy i thought he was would dissolve. ok i don't have control of other people, but i have control of myself and the way i react. i am so dreading training cos our last training, i was so hurt that my chest constricted and i had a really bad case of anger and heart burn. this is why i never get angry or why i deal with anger quickly cos it hurts so bad, its 3 days to the end of the year and all i can hold on to as what i really have is God and someone once said that's a good place to be. so i am getting a taste of my own medicine and it does not taste so good. (being ignored, albeit politely) i admitted i love him and i still do cos i think he deserves it but i don't have to end up with him now do i? Nah! cos i will make him miserable, he deserves someone who can make him happy. That is agape to be able to let someone go in order for the person to find happiness. i sound so noble don't i? The story of my life, the martyr. You know what? I sound really crazy and i think i am going to mail invisible for some personal advice. His theory did not work. On a lighter note, i am glowing right now. I dont know if its cos i changed that hideous facial cleanser i was using or because i am happy inside. i am at peace i guess, i feel a confidence i have no right feeling in natural circumstances (but nothing about this circumstance is natural). It seems like everything around me, the outside is going crazy but inside i am at peace. I am thankful for making it to 2009, its 3 days to 2009 and i amd fasting 30th and 31th. It's been a while since i fasted, now i am not talking about the numerous voluntary starvation (that's story for another day). i am going private in approximately a month's time and if you are interested in having access to my blog, just mail me at tishasmith010@gmail.com and ill send you the password cos i am not going to stop writing for anyone.

Exposed... this is how i feel

Lord, i love naija denzel,lord take care of him, he was so depressed yesterday, i was really sad and down. he came up to check me and wish me a merry xmas . i was hiding in my office as i dont know what he digs about me by the way . i think i am in-love with him or love him a lot anyway. it happened cos my mind was always on him and he is actually a great guy. With principles he lives his life by, there is no way he wont turn out to be one of the world changers of our time. how did i start loving him? i guess i just liked him at first because he did everything he did from his heart and never asked for a reward like other folks and he did stuff for me and not just me but everyone without expecting anything in return. i am sure he has his flaws but he is the closest things to Jesus i have ever met and i appreciate that. maybe its because i see through rose-colored glasses now but hes really a great guy and he does not know i think so. he thinks i am a stuck-up, nasty and proud girl and i dont think i am any of those things but how will he ever find out when my mouthy mouth just wont speak. i swear my mouth absolutely refuses to work around him, all it can say is hi. my self-esteem (not that he has anything to do with it) has been taking a nose-dive these last few months and the worst thing is that i think he has some issues he just cant tell me about because i am too shallow and insensitive (this i admit) well, i love him (i think), but where will that get me? i just keep hurting him left, right and center. funny thing is as i am hurting him, it keeps hurting me as well. (you dont get it right, i dont get ir myself). i hope he has a wonderful xmas and new year and smiles a lot and forgets about me since all i end up doing is making him miserable and angry. enough about my non-existent love-life (not that there are not toasters) just dont like any of them in particular if not i may have to start running again. the story of my life. well, great gist, my dad who had been out of a job for about 5 years has a new job in AB (code name for one of the South-south states ) with a house and car and a whole new life. Good news: yeah, i guess. because now i dont have to worry about watching if my dad is suicidal or not and theres more money at home and my siblings can go to school with less stress and it all happened when i gave my seed. (glad about it though it was painful). hes in front of me now eating and ordering everyone around, its his right but i kinda resent that. i have never had a close r/ship with my dad and i dont plan to. i just want him to be ok and do well and get saved , my sis too. if everyones ok then i can relax and just love God and then get my life in perspective. these are the things i am thankful for. i love my family i guess, we were never a very expressive family. used to have loads of money and it got difficult when we lost it, but i was never happy, just knew how to cope with whatever came my way. i dont want to end up like my mom, would rather stay unmarried than live life like her, enough of this persimism, i am thankful for the year 2008 is all that matters and God loves me. i am sorry i compared naija denzel with my dad or that i compare my mom with me, we look so alike its difficult to not imagine stuff! i am thankful that in 2008 i have grown that in 2009, i will treat people better both believers in christ and unbelievers. i will treat naija denzel better. i guess i was just living my life not planning to hurt other people but sometimes, it is impossible to live without affecting the people around you, so i guess you should make the choice to influence the people around you right in spite of the circumstances life had throw at you. at the age of 16, it was me who always said that your circumstances do not define you, so i am saying to me: you are greatness personified because christ in you the hope of glory and if any man is in christ, he is a new creature, old things are passed away and all things are made new. and i know the grace of God that though he was rich he became poor that i through his poverty might be made rich and the lord is my shepherd , i shall not want, and that oppression is far from us as the east is far from the west. where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty. next post: i think ill update on my life so far and then the dark years in unilag and how i found the light and how it all formed me and re-formed me into another person. NB: i was talking with someone briefly about my childhood and the person said something about me when i was a kid, and i was a little sad and then that was the highlight of my day because i had lost the little girl inside me who used to laugh and sing with abandon. she is gone. then i felt joy because it was the best time of my life to dance and play under the stars and to encourage and carry other people along. those are the best parts of me and if i can, i want to ressurect the part of me that took pleasure in life before "life happened. ok i really am a girl cos more weird things are happening. what was my conclusion when i woke up this christmas morning, before i became all moody a few minutes ago, it was that i loved him, money or no money, looks or no looks, even with some not so pretty habits, it just seems like everyone is throwing information at me and i am even going to risk me, he is the one that may actually get the chance to break my heart, i really hope this is not a game because you know guys and i fit the criteria for games like this cause i dont fall easily and love is important to me so even if i get him or not, all games are off, i choose to still say i love him even though i may get hurt. What won my heart? he has never looked at me like meat, you know that look, the one that says any girl is game as long as she has a face and a pair of boobs and ass. Hes never given me that funny look

i hate my office right now.

i think my boss is an over-achiever. i got a below average cos i could not get any adverts, all the interviews and my briefs and everything i did throughout the year was discounted like i was a common advertsing executive and not an media assistant and writer cum. what did annoy me was the fact that i felt i worked more than many of my colleagues that had a better appraisal. now what did that do to me? it demotivated me and reduced my love for my work. i am sad and dissappointed in what happened. i am an over-achiever but i like to ba appreciated and if not appreciated then be indifferent to me, what i absolutely cant tolerate is being put down especially when i am doing the best i can and busting my ass to produce results when no one has ever produced the results i did. if i do raise money and ened up doing my work excellently it will be becasue i want to prove that i can and not because of any threats however silent they may be. just got a laptop and so i will be having less stress and will do doing more writing. Thank God. i am about to become a much better writer. have not seen naija denzel in a while and love interest wahala is the last thing on my mind with job stress, i think i am just going to focus on my work for a while and just be friends. i love him, i love him not. i am sure that i like him though but like invisible said i have built walls that i myself cannot get over. so i guess thats it, i mean how do i go about breaking the ice without it seeming like i am giving him a green light to go on and ask me out. well, i think he is all those mature guys that will go like i know what i want and not want to spend time as friends... what am i saying? it sounds like crap, i guess i dont know what i want? end of post, i am going to let go and have lots of fun during christmas.

i offloaded my feelings so i could be light... and got insulted by teebay my blogville psychologist who wants me made over overnight, these things take time i tell myself. (but the other party usually does not see things this way). whatever! i was told i needed a coquette, and i quote 'to deal u sm blows, make u do stuff u neva done b4, make u open up n stuff' definition: a woman who flirts lightheartedly with men to win their admiration and affection; flirt. (i totally don't get this. a coquette is usually female, i need a female to deal me some blows and make do stuff like i have never done before, like make me open up and stuff) answer: i'd rather open up to a close friend of mine male or female, i tried once but then all my friends were exactly like me: stuck up and snobbish. i was hurt that she (fairlady) could not handle it and so i kept it to myself. i'd probably open up to the new friends i made a year later, but cos of the skeletons i had in my wardrobe, i was almost always on the surface. i made friends with really wonderful people then who helped me through ma issues without asking questions; they are still in my life today even if i don't get to see them often. i can call them up and its like we had never seperated. i love them so much and regret that i can't mention their names. My thanksgiving for the year they are xtians but not the up-in-your-face judgemnetal kind of christians we have today who nail you to cross and expect you to stay there. they just want you to consistently hold a scarlet letter to your head and be condemned. which is why i am glad i never gave up my unbeliever friend, i never could have made it wthout them. i thank God every day i met them or i might have committed suicide (yes! that disgusting word) they neverasked me any questions cos it was better that way for us all, i couldn't talk then anyway. ...and invisible my blogville hero came and commented on my post. i so dig invisible cos he's not afraid to criticize me and all. so invisible, will appreciate it if you comment on every article since you stopped commenting cos these past months have been a little crazy and i don't know if i have been making the right decisions. (i really appreciate your honesty, pls feel free to psychoanalyze me; i always do it to others in my head anyway, lol. so... i was thinking of leaving blogville and i have barely been here 3 months, wait let me check the exact time. okay check and i have been on blogville 7months and i have really enjoyed it. yes its been a lot of offloading of feelings that have held me back for a good many years. i am thankful for blogville, its been like my family that listens and loves me just the way i am. i love you guys on blogville and i have enjoyed getting to know you and yours and your life even though i can't see any of your faces and i love it just the way it is! i am always kidding myself that many pple on blogville sound like my friends on planet earth living in naija: i have few of them, the ones i have i trust. One of them is tying the knot soon. Surprised she waited this long, she's funny and bubbly and full of fun, will miss her but i am glad for her too cos i know this is what she wants. Ok, I realise that all of this so does not make sense so if you get it, you do; and if you don't get it, you don't i am blogging straight from my head and i want the feelings and stuff to come out exactly the way i am feeling it so, whatever! i am sorry (my dangerous alter-ego: shut up, you pple pleaser, its ur blog and you can do whatever you want with it) lol. So i am listening to James Morrison’s 'one last chance' and it’s like still loading so... i'll wait. I just finished listening to the other one em' "you give me something" 1st song and to be my honest romantic self, it's amazing! it speaks of letting go and finding out if naija-denzel has something to offer, perfectly logical conclusion. on the other hand, to be my cynical self (my cynical self is always around to save me from being too idealistic). many fools are always around to betray you if you trust them an inch and they'll justify their actions. ok my cynical self believes this is a nostalgic song to sing when you are blue. when you are sad and emotional. Conclusion: though it is a good thought, i have concluded that we are star-crossed lovers, never meant to be. i magine the things i believe. (i always considered myself an optimistic person, but right about now i am a downright pessimist. i will be happy with naija denzel when he finally hooks up with whichever princess he speaks, so i guess i am still optimistic, and i know i will find my prince) 2nd song having problems downloading it! downloaded after an hour and on a laptop again well the song is a nice one about a guy needing healing for his head will download both of them after i get my laptop this week then listen until i understand. nice music even though i don't know if it falls under inspirational or xtian music Finally, i am setting a wedding date for july 2010 and as from today i begin to work towards it. all my friends have been bugging me asking what i had been waiting for? could have married to 't' in 2005 but i just happened to not love him enough, never opened up to him, it was a crazy r/ship from the word go but i agreed to go ahead with it and ended up breaking up with t and affecting my perfect friendship with t (chic who introduced us). ibo boy! still like ibo boys bcos of t, had a perfect r/ship. problem: did not want to be a trophy wife, did not enjoy being a trophy g.friend, had all that money could buy but i did not see a future in it. so my wedding date is july 2010. H.spirit, help me keep a dates! i thought i could let this go but i need to ask, teebay (my self-proclaimed psychanalyst) what does this mean? like now i hold myself back from writin stuff dat'll make ur head pop :)! lol i don't understand, Defensive answer: (imagine you are talking to a pissed black american sister and her head is flying in all directions) next time when you feel like exrecising self control and not poping my head with stuff you write, be sure to send it to my inbox. address: tishasmith010@gmail.com, will read it sometime and send you a reply. this is my private space where i let go and blog my thots. it's meant to relax me and its serving its purpose. (here i get rid of all the hate and anger and the stuff that's bugging me and no on is getting me off blogger, at most i'll just delete this blog and start another cos i need it.) more pple have annoyed me today but i just won't blog about it they are just not worth it. their life's too boring so they are always focusing on someoneelse's life. meaning mine, how i hate to be in the spotlight, what can i do? i guess i'll just shine the way i know best.

...a christmas feeling.

i felt really bad yesterday, i am having the blues (invisible will never make a comment on my blog again since i have been whining over stupid stuff. i am smart but i feel so stupid right now cos i am treading in uncharted waters and i am paralyzed with fear (i guess!) i feel like a coward but i know i have got courage ok i will blame everything i write today on PMS cos it gets me emotional and acting unlike myself i am kinda scared to write about it but what the heck i will use it as a learning experience if any1 finds out about it and uses it as blackmail material well all through yesterday i was totally miserable and being in the presence of naijadenzel was like squeezing my insides and sending it through a grinder like the ones in street fighter i think i nearly passed out from the feelings i could not control (remind me to use this when i am writing my book, it will come in handy if good for nothing else at all) saw him earlier and he was surrounded by his fan club was jealous or not, i am not sure but i did not feel like ramming their heads into the wall so i guess i was not that jealous but what the heck i am the one who's being ignoring him so he deserves to live his life the way he wants it. the way that makes him happy, i mean am not one to have a dog in a manger attitude, i guess if he's happy, i'll be glad about it i am kinda of getting a stupid kinda of reputation that would make guys hate me before they meet me cos it appears/ or they interprete my responses as though i am proud but what can i do? i am just not a social animal; i think i could be quite reclusive if not for the job that i do yesterday, it was like God did not want me to bash my parents and their marriage, i don't hate them but i certainly don't want to be their de javu. i think i would commit suicide if i ever ended up with a replica of their life. 'perfect love casts out all fear' i think i just noticed a resemblance btw naijadenzel and my dad and i hate it. usually when i see any guy that looks like my dad i am pretty defensive and i turn nasty so they usually take to their heels but this feelings crept on me unawares and by then i kind of had a rapport with him so i set out to destroy the rapport and all i succeeded in doing was hurt me and him (maybe, you know guys) and make everything awkward. am i happy? i dunno! i got my way... but even sef God must have a reason for saying no and i have to be strong and not hurt me further (yes i am selfish) i need to look out for me. woke u this morning and was thinking about him, think about him at the oddest times! i think i am stupid and a psycho cos i know it mot likely will not succeed so why start? i would have loved to have had him as a friend and confidante but how do i even know i can be trusted. most of the stress i am going through comes from the fact that i can't talk things through at home, my younger ones can't stand him and don't want me to give him the time of the day. what about me i ask? well three months ago, i knew what i wanted, but today, i am not sure what i want but i know what i have to do and its sad but i guess i'll go on. cos its only God i can't do without and i won't do without it. Even though teebay says i will regret it in the future, i don't think so. i believe all things will work out for good. so my emotions are back under control cos am seeing ma lady in red, no more disgusting mood swings and unpredictable behavior. I know God will get me through this time. i still feel so stupid and strangely vulnerable, today i wanted to cry and then everyone at the office that could annoy me annoyed me and then i snapped and two people and then shut up before i did more damage, i feel like i am out of control and its not funny, i need my self-esteem back, i feel like everyone is stabbing at me with little knives and it is getting real crazy. u know what maybe i am paranoid, what i do know is that i need to stop thinking, face work, read a book, whatever will calm me down. jeez, i should be dramaqueen and not tisha. One thing i know for sure is that God loves me, I love me and my family love me and i can vouch for some of ma friends that they love me, its good enough for me, that is!

i refuse to judge you

judging other people is something i don't do and i am not planning to start judging others now. as an adolescent and a teenager, never judged people by the things they do, the way they dress or act and i will not be starting anytime soon i do not absolutely do not talk about people in a vindictive and damaging manner it makes a person very small in my eyes. i always would rather see from the point of view of the person wearing the painful shoes. when it comes to bad gal, rapists, murderers, wife beaters serail killers, stalkers, pimps and self righteous folks, loan sharks and participating passive observers i need the grace of God to not call them what they are i usually just out them in a mix and call that mix the world these are people bound to fulfill the devil's purpose by choice. i don't know why i always have this strong desire to change the world well, if Obama can, i guess i can too! besides God has said i can do all things At many ppoints i am at my wits end because the only way to change the world is by changing people and that has been one of my greatest challenges cos its a near impossible feat to accomplish why cos you can either influence people or not you can't force them i have been told that the only thing to do is to change myself i dare say that i am a world changer that is the only reason i can get up in the morning and keep moving because i know i can make a difference and change someone's life for the better my turf is in believing in people and being a team player if there is a team being accomplished to benefit other people, you can be sure to find me there i believe that God sent His son Jesus If you only know of the wildernesses and scary places he carried me through if you knew how He taught me to let go of my nightmares cos i couldn't sleep everyday for fear, vicious fear that tore at my insides and made my heart beat 200 times faster he is my hiding place and my rock and my sanctifier! i truly believe that in me lies the spirit of a champion one who never says die, whose spirit senses life and every single day i have the privilege of breathing in oxygen (His spirit) i will seize every opportunity that lies before me and do what will live beyond me. i choose to take a chance everyday on life and do something that changes another's world perspective, brings hope and leaves the world a better place i am tired of hearing of different kinda villains in the world i will rather be the hero that the world needs by doing things which proceeed from righteousness

He's dating someone else...

Well.

alls well that ends well thanks to this blog, i am not as hurt as i would have been if i did not have a blog well.

Thanks to blogville i am a-okay one of the binches tried to set me up but i am cool with it the other chic came at me like this is my property in my mind "i was like sister i am not interested" the bloke is so so shallow i wish i like put him through hell but its not worth it i would like to think i am more mature than that well, another love interest goes down the drain i have like two new ones on the line but they are sadly lacking in spirituality i wonder if i will ever find a man who listens to God like i do well.

With God, all things are possible 

 ...and i am willing to wait and maybe its because i am baby-faced and i look like a spring chicken but i don't think so i have always believed that whatever is worth doing is worth doing well so another application nearly suitable but not good enough and if you are wondering if it's not out of sour grapes i'll tell you that i have suffered enough from not listening when God speaks i'd just rather listen now ...and one of them is even in church the one who gave me the cheesy line of him being my destiny, talks real good the things that trip me (intelligence more than good looks) 

lol He's worth a trial, i am not attracted though so i want to see how much he wants me i'll seek him out and be his friend and if it doesn't work out, all good cos i'll have gained a friend who is not attracted to me or hating my guts or planning how to break me. 

One who loves me for me and does not want to date me and will not be offended if i tell him that i just want a good friend ... ...and do not want anything more than friendship least for now

My complete the question!

i adapted it from A gem princess I am...: going home soon, i need to shop My ex-boyfriend was...: sometimes controlling and uncaring about my dreams. Maybe I should....: Hang out with friends soon! I love....: reading novels I don't understand....: why I have to pretend to satisfy someone else's ego or pretend just to adapt to another person's fake way of living. I lost my....: cool yesterday night and made some cool decisions My current boyfriend is....: don't have one and the one i thought i would gel for is not as stuck u as me, he enjoys being disrespected by other people just to be popular, that's a turn-off People say I'm...: rude and independent Love is....: patient and kind, does not keep record of wrongs (love kind more!) Somewhere, someone is....: thinking about how much they love me and i have been wired to not reciprocate love so i have to learn just in case God has some dream man He is sending ma way. I will always...: thank God and trust Him. Forever is....: a nice word when you have your true love and every thing is perfect with your family but i choose to praise God. I never want to...: see the ugly side of people, God loves me, i know! I think the current President is....: non functional When I wake up in the morning, I....: i tell God i love u and whisper a prayer that everything will work out for good cos i love Him. Life is full of...:good stuff and excellent stuff that should be experienced My past is incredibly...: amazing and certainly risque, you can't say its not interesting I get annoyed when...: a trusted person acts out of order or does the pretend stuff. Parties are for...: chatting and being pretty wall flowers, sampling food (i am a size 8) (i prefer come chops) I wish...: I can find the man of my dreams (with lotsa money and a nice house and car, simple stuff right!)and get married and give birth to twin sons and a daughter and to work freelance and also a job i love! Tommorrow I'm going to...: go for the experience! I really want some....: chicken and chips with ketchp from a 5 star hotel in ikeja I have low tolerance for people who....: self-righteous and suffer from huge bouts of envy and gossip often. If I had a million dollars...: i would not buy shares, i'd start my business and open a home for abused women and children. i would also live in a 5 bedroom house with my cosy family and constantly be involved in charity.

This best describes me!

the chic who does not have it quite together this got me hooked on blogger.

i think its fading...

i think i am getting over him slowly i taught i was too old for crushes but it turns out i wasn't cos i don't know how else to describe something like this when you know it won't work out nd you still keep encouraging yourself to hope that it could no. 1 i hate several of his friends no.2 just because you are friends with someone does not mean you would want to spend the rest of your life with them no.3 i totally hate gutless guys but then to be honest. exactly what have i given him to work on? nothing! why? cos i can't see the future in this. no.4 its a total non issue cos God has not given his say-so in fact he's said not to go on. so why am i going on about it cos my mind wants to do something else and my body wants an entirely different thing (get your mind out of the gutter). that's old story. well so i have concluded on the issue. i am going to try to be friends since he's mature enough to not want to be enemies or is he? whatever i'll be friendly but keep the distance to mintain my sanity. i can do this and then work on operation, pick a boyfriend soon so there's no free space for any other available bloke to constantly be considering. i am pretty hot if i say so myself but no heart. i am not capable of eros love. crushes yes. love comes from trust and i don't trust any1 or have faith in any1 so until i am ready, i will just be playing games and hurting people and sometimes i can't help it. some of them will have so much ego and want to hurt me back, others will walk away and just say this babe has issues she hasn't worked through. just have to cope with it until i can learn to be open. i mean for like 2 yrs after that ugly incident, had no feelings at all, was glad when i started feeling a little after. took me another 2yrs b4 i got rid of the nightmares, had to get a boyf to get rid of the memories. i mean i am not going to be in a hurry for anybody or i'll just end up making some bloke miserable i will take my time walking and communicating with God 2 December 2008. Guess what happened this morning, the 'nuisiance' (he's annoying me now) came and told me hi, then went about paying attention to every other girl except me. i thought what the heck, who does this nigga think he is. i smiled but played it cool. you are so naive boy i thought to myself, you think i will fall for that stupid trick. i think i have seen every stupid 'guy trick' ever. talk to her friend and ignore her, laugh with every1 but her. he's trying to make me look stupid like he didn't/doesn't have the hots for me, well his ego must have suffered a knock-out and i don't care cos he's not loyal, he calls his friends three other females who have double-crossed me, hid my files, blackmail me, lie about me, generally be nasty to me all bcos of his skinny framework. i am fed up with a nigga who can't stand up and i will not tie myself to a coward and someone who is so easily manipulated, he pisses me off with his bootlicking. heard people from his tribe are extremely good at bootlicking. well i will not stand for it the nigga is fired or not? since he was never hired anyway. coward. pretending to be a gentleman and am not feminist if not i will demand that he stop all the opening of doors and acting all nice uggggggggggggggh!

how do i feel...

i am a little hurt and a little numb the only thing that gives me confidence is that i am sure that God has said it is not him if not i would probably be crying myself to sleep i just know that he is not equipped to cope with ma issues even though he thinks he is i meanwhile have been equipped to be strong after all i am a strong black woman (tear!) sometimes i don't want to be strong i just want to let go and weep but... These are the cards i have been given i must play with the best of me this is who i am in reality! Hate that word. have to go cos i think and know that i can change things.

i am half in-love half killing the love

i am at cross-roads i can kill the love i mean i have had experience but have to continue this later. (he had just come into the office then) i think i can cope a little... i am still bent on killing the love. my greatest fear is that he will recover before i do cos the love is not feasible anyway cos it will go nowhere. i am hurting he's hurting this is crazy or maybe i am just acting hollywood. well it's all for the best and i'll be fine. just have to keep away from him well, everybody's not in support anyway and i don't see how it can work i am sure it is just carzy attraction. meen! i have had one of the most difficult quarters this year if i come through this, i can come through anything have absolutely no control peace will post something else when i am better P.S no advice cos i will know what to do after i have worked things through, just suggestions.

having a readily stressful week...

have you ever fought attraction b4? it takes all the emotional energy you have and then some. i did not like him like that at first and now i am not sure how i feel. i have a nagging feeling that i am going to get hurt on this one cos i usually don't have my emotions involved. i am scared i don't usually admit i am scared, i have used every tactics i know to discourage me something tells me i am not making enough effort to cos maybe i like him liked him as a friend, never planned to take it further i mean where is the future in starting something that you might not finish i have been hurting for a week and hiding it i'll give it to me i have a strong will but on this one i think i need God I do! (please don't ask me to explain cos i can't, i am sorting myself out and i just can't explain anything) i will be back to blog cos i need to offload somewhere so i don't go crazy or have a nervous breakdown or something.

i hereby tag...

For a post let me answer funkola's QUESTION yeah! What would you do if you caught your man/woman cheating (doesn't have to have been while in action, just the knowledge of it is enough)? **i am taking everything into consideration step by step. - if it was just a meaningless shag. i'd let the un-serious dude go, where does he get off doing stuff like that? - if it was a regular occurrence with a particular person. I'd let him go too, he obviously is not on the same wavelength as i - if you both were married. i must have smelt such a crazy trait b4 tying the knot, i might try to work it out. - if you were married without kids. may work it out may not - if you were married with kids. may consider being a single mother, my heart can't take such rubbish. so i hereby tag extraOGD